TomeOfTruth

Chapter 123: H. Father

2011-02-21T21:04:00.003+08:00

H. Father,

I'm penning down my thoughts to you, for now. I'm not very good at speaking my thoughts out, so I'm writing this specially to you. This is my prayer and letter to you.

I want to thank you for listening to my every word. You allowed me to understand your love even more. You made a way to places, and showed me your answers. It means too much to me.

H. Father, I'm approaching the last days of my final year project at Nanyang Polytechnic. In me, I know that there is a long road ahead. In me, I know I should not worry. You said you would take care of what I would need in your plans. But everytime I'm awake just before I take my rest for the night, even when the work for the day is done, I cannot help but think of the future, and knowing that it will come. Time after time, you told me to be strong, and you reinforced the message once again. H. Father, I pray that you will break these limits within me. I pray that you will remove these doubts and grasps of fear and silence within me.

H. Father, as I approach the last days, my journey has been fraught with bumps over and over again. I thank you for sending Joseph, Joshua, Sumit, Wei Keat, Guo Wei and many names I may not recall for now. I thank you for sending me to Campus Crusade, to FCBC, and to Trinity.

H. Father, the attacks of the devil seem relentless, but your shield has always been standing there, a shield of faith and love.

I have released terrible acts of sins, even as far as blasphemy, reviling and wrath. Yet, as I asked for forgiveness and to repent, by your grace, I was saved.

H. Father, I still face bumps even now. I'm being pushed to the walls by the demands of my supervisor. My father doesn't let me have any rest even I reached home, sometimes driving me to the brink of lowering your shield and letting wrath consume me. H. Father, in me, I know you have plans for me, and that you put me in Nanyang Polytechnic, in this particular course for a reason.

Did you remember that time when I was angry and upset with myself, how I committed acts of blasphemy that even as of now I regret? I struggled with unhappiness and thoughts of destruction as I was pushed towards a new field and a new season. At times, as I got stuck in an FYP field and situation which I saw nothing but hatred and negativity, evil got hold of me and made me think of destruction of everything around me, even of destruction within myself.

Yet, you saved me once again, and provided me with what I needed to still be here today, writing this prayer. You reminded me of your love, time and time again.

I have reached a time when I am uncertain of the future you promised. I am not even sure if I can even be of any use to you. This life I hold, I do not know how to express it well, but maybe I was not meant to study life sciences at all.

H. Father, I pray that if this it true, make the path for me to move through. I pray that if this is but a false thought produced by the devil, that you will provide me with the strength and resolve to rebuke him and his lies, that you will break the chains and limits binding my mind.

H. Father, I pray that you will be there, to ensure I do not allow my wrath to consume me.

In the warm, sweet name of Jesus,
Amen.

Chapter 122: Bursting With Love and Desire For God

2011-02-01T00:18:00.002+08:00

My God has delivered me from the grasp of silence and unhappiness on my heart. With Him on the throne, as I lived solely for His glory, I drew the resolve and strength I ever needed in all that I did.

The journey of my FYP was something I thought to be pointless and hardly beneficial. I thought I was suffering, but in actual fact, all the illusion of sufferings hid what God had planned for me. I thought all this work was idiotic. I thought my enemies would stand eternal in victory and prosperity. As I wrote my report, I realised that there was such an abundance of knowledge I did not realised I had received. Not only did I gain better understanding of things I used to simply memorise for short term goals, but I learnt many things that lecture notes had never stated. These included practical skills, strategies and tactics.

When the schedule seemed impossible, somehow, by His grace, I overcame it all and progressed further than I had ever imagined.

He healed me when I was down. He kept my fire burning.

Though satan's attacks were relentless, His shield stood eternal. He removed the burdens and doubts, and broke the strangling chains of human limits.

Seek His heart in all that is done, and rebuke every attack from the devil. Dedicate everything, even the past, present and future to Him. The devil has no room or right at all. Clothe yourself in humbleness before the Lord.

Everyday, I want my love and desire for Him to grow even more.

What more is there for me to have any doubt? He has removed them.

Chapter 121: ... Of All the Nerve

2010-12-09T23:44:00.004+08:00

Lost Chapter. Closed.

Chapter 120: What Can I Do But Shut Up

2010-12-08T21:27:00.006+08:00

Lost Chapter. Closed.

Chapter 119: I Don't Care

2010-12-06T21:54:00.002+08:00

That's it. Simple and clear-cut, I'm not going to talk too much. There is no God, and it's all plain rubbish meant to enslave people, invented by the western community to keep other 'inferior' people in check.

Disclaimer: This is all in my own humble opinion. It might not be accurate. It is bias to at least some extent.

Chapter 118: I'm Throwing Everything In

2010-12-06T00:22:00.002+08:00

This is it. I know it is said that I should never test you, but I'm beginning to think I was hoodwinked into all this. Many things do not add up, but I do not care.

This is official. If you exist, show me a miracle, and I'll reconsider everything I have ever thought or said. And I mean a true miracle, that I can not explain on my own in any way possible.

If not, than I can never have a connection with something that cannot trust me that much.

Chapter 117: Convinced

2010-12-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

Throughout my FYP, I have been thoroughly convinced of many things. First up, who ever said that maintaining good grades would lead to better work was an idiot, and a liar who ought to be tied down and shot a million times.

Secondly, the same person who came up with the concept of hard work and perseverance probably invented the concept of convincing naive people into slavery.

In summary, it's all bull feces created by slavemaster tyrants.

And there happen to be couple of people whom I would be glad to harm if not for CCTV cameras, laws and an irritating conscience (Another invention by slavedrivers, I'm sure).

Chapter 116: Vortex Bones To Shake Well

2010-11-26T07:29:00.002+08:00

And just when I thought I would be doing the same thing throughout my FYP, something new pops out.

A while back, I had subcultured six plates from my collection of isolated fungi, so we could prepare their DNA for identification later on, according to a method used by some company that is supposed to be more efficient than a pulse-field method (science talk), based on the limits of their own database.

What I didn't know is that we were going to do the preparation so soon.

Scraping the plates seemed simple enough on the surface... except my own plates happened to be pretty old, and the older it was, the harder it was scrape it off without breaking the celloplane membrane used. Even to the point of bending the inoculating loop, it still wouldn't budge. Yeast, of which I had one sample of was, was known to be harder to pick up into the loop for a sample than others. Heh. Even at this time, I won't get to catch a break. Oh well.

Vortexing the DNA after cycles of freezing in liquid nitrogen to disrupt the sample structures so as to get the DNA was quite interesting as well. Holding the samples to be vortexed onto the machine for two cycles of five minutes and then twenty minutes had no skill involved, but it sure rattled the old bones. Pain didn't last long either.

That will be all for now.

Chapter 115: Cross Words

2010-11-25T07:33:00.002+08:00

Just the evening before, I headed to dinner with the people from NYP Campus Crusaders at Ang Mo Kio, after gym training.

What happened next was chaos in conversation. I cannot quite be sure of how it started, but one thing led to another and everyone soon became lost in translation.

I got involved until I learnt one thing. Keeping quiet in times like this is the best way to get untangled XD . As soon as I did that I got to finish my food easily. I was the last one to arrive, so everyone else was done and were just waiting for me while they chatted.

Lesson of the day. If you do not wish to be included in unwanted things being talked by others (this includes stupid gossip by others who happen to be in the same room), and know that getting involved has no purpose and will just result in disaster, just remember to keep the mouth shut, no matter how tempting it may be to say something. One of the main rules of survival here.

And that concludes it for now.

Chapter 114: If You Didn't Believe Me

2010-11-24T07:38:00.002+08:00

When I claimed that NYP Mindsport's Chess Club was full of elitist geeks, let me share a dialouge with you.

Shaun: Is there any training today?

SCL Disgrace Upstart (AKA JerkFace): You Mean Chess?

Shaun: (Yes, you idiot, what else?) Yes

JerkFace: (Playing a computer game on his laptop) It will be in the South Canteen.

Shaun: South Canteen?

JerkFace: (Still playing and looking at the screen the whole time) I mean North. There's no room today (*He means there is no proper clubroom space available)

Shaun: Why?

JerkFace: (Still playing) There's no why. There's just no room.

Shaun: (Feel like slamming his laptop down and smashing his head onto it)

There you go.

I did spend a good deal of time talking with two friends of mine (Vyncent and Nat), mostly of any nonsense we could think of at random for no reason. It went down to talking about firearms and what we would do with a bazzoka if we had one shot. One of the topics was short, and was about driving a vehicle.

On account of keeping people from mistaking me as a genocidal madman, since I was only joking during my answers when we talked, it ended up with both of them agreeing that I should never be given hold of a vehicle to drive, or a firearm of any sort at all costs. I'll leave the rest for guessing. :)

I take my leave for now.

Chapter 113: You Need A New Laptop

2010-11-23T07:17:00.003+08:00

... When you have to beg your current one to start up and not shut down at random, think of pounding your fists on it, or start sweet talking or coaxing it, in hopes that it is somewhat sentient enough to hear your pleas. Sometimes even apologizing for any past, slightly violent act or abuse you may have committed to it.

I was looking through some of the merchandise I purchased during the fair held recently, of which most, that is four of which, were books at a singapore dollar each.

I bought a school edition history book based on the British Empire and Commonwealh by George W. Southgate, the revised edition published in 1960, A 1962 school edition of My Early Life, by Winston S. Churchill and my favourite of the lot, Biology for Tropical Schools, Longman 1958, by Stone and Cozen. All hard cover copies. Smelling (No, I did not put my nose to it on purpose) and looking very old. But still readable in good condition.

The biology book still had certain writings of notes put into it by the original user, and has papers with personal notes written on it by the said student who used it once, slotted under the protective cover (Partially why I bought it). But the reason why it's my favourite amongst the ones I acquired is because this sort of biology is rarely taught anymore in universities, and was made at the time when biology knowledge was based on examination of body parts of creatures, rather than mainly on DNA. Very classic methods. Which is also why it's currently out of print, and most likely will remain so. It has got pretty good illustrations of things like parts of plants and the skeleton systems of animals like rats. I realised they did mention evolution and special creation but was very outdated when it came to DNA.

I can't even find the book for sale on the internet other than one copy of the same kind being sold on e-bay (and for Australian 48 dollars too, together with delivery charges at only Australia, what a deal >_<).

Strange as how they were printed in 1950s to early 1960s, and seem to have been used by a student. I can only guess it must have belonged to the elderly man who was selling them. He must have been a university level student at that time of sorts.

I will certainly treasure them though.

Chapter 112: Restarting in 15 Mins To Update

2010-11-21T19:24:00.002+08:00

It had been a while since I had last attended a service and listened to a sermon. For couple of reasons, including distance. Mostly the usual tell-tale signs of straying away from a path, but nothing to write here about.

I decided to attend one at Joe's Church, Trinity at Paya Lebar. It was refreshing and renewing. It reminded me of how I had forgotten about God's presence and love, undergoing torment under satan's attacks, leading me to confuse the attacker as God Himself, confused between satan's attacks and God's blessings. I have always been labelled as quiet, 'extra', serious and stern looking, sometimes even scary looking. I just was not the type to smile too much. My thoughs on honour and discipline were a little different from the rest, which made me quite the outcast. That is, to the majority, except for those few whom I exchanged conversations with.

It was warming to know that God was eternal, and that he always saw every creation as perfect.

Today was equally busy, as I opted to help sell animal (?) - shaped and strange unrecognisable sculptures of balloons to children at a fair, later learning how much teenage St. John first aiders have this strange fondness of such things. Good thing too, which got rid of the items we were trying to get rid of by giving out for free later, instead of bursting them right away. Someone even traded away a balloon for an origami, as other store owners were trying to get rid of their stocks at hand, especially foodstuffs.

I knew that boys had a liking to gun and sword-shaped balloons, so I sort of attempted to create two gun-shaped ones (Two since there was a lack of resources by then), which sort of was successful.

I used some of the coupons my father gave me as he had purchased them and forgot about the even until I told him about my going off to work there. There were quite a lot, of which another person used to buy lots of food. Even chocolate, despite the heat. But I guess he had the best of intentions, which was what really mattered.

Looking at the balloon sculptor hired to entertain the kids, I was quite dazzled by not really the balloons, but mainly the professionalism and skills he had in his own field. That was something one could admire. He knew how to entertain them well, using vibrant and rhythmic music, along with well-known cartoon sculptures made, inviting the children up with him. The clown-like costume and make-up he used was quite something too.

I guess that would be all for now.

Chapter 111: @FYP Halfway

2010-11-19T21:12:00.002+08:00

Been a while since I started a whole semester of lab. Every morning, I could even recognise the smell of the corridors by heart. It was e-learning week lately, and my dream of empty canteen seats were shattered nevertheless.

Oh well, at least I learnt how comfortable it can be to have both breakfast and lunch, as well as slacking off and rest just sitting outside the lab corridors, with a nice breeze and view from above unless it rains. Since it's usually just me who would dare to do such a thing, it's only one person so no one else, even my technical support officer (TSO) and supervisor seem to mind. I still get occasional glances by people who don't appear there too often enough to recognise the quiet figure there. Sometimes Joseph from level 5, also my current gym trainer (Too stingy to hire an actual professional =P), arrives to autoclave a few items or do some work there would exchange a few words.

Came to be my favourite corner after a while. Since there's a crusade corner, I hereby call it the, er... , fungi guy corner. Apparently, I'm one of the two people working under the fungi specialist supervisor, who happens to spend most of his time in the same lab doing fungi work. Okay, maybe all the time, other than when I'm sitting at the usual corner.

I did come across a biohazard label sticker, and was almost tempted to take it back with me, which would be breaking a lab rule. It reminded me of how I used to collect random stickers when I was four to five years of age. I can't even comprehend what was going on within the head of mine when I still had that hobby.

I guess the latest embarassing moment would be when I was caught mentioning my TSO when wondering if I should arrive late like the others and slack off and figuring out what I would say to him if he ever asked me to go back to work, during a chat with Joe. Until he told me I could say whatever I want to him as he was behind me >_< . Good thing I changed my words to something I actually wanted to ask my TSO sometime, about certain technical details of campaign work.

At autoclave room:

Shaun: Maybe I should see if I can get away with coming at 10 am +, taking a 3 hour lunch break and doing nothing but slack the whole day, just like almost everyone else on the same level, just for once. If Travis asks me why and tries to order me to go back to work, I would just say- "

Joe: Er... you can say whatever you want to him. He's behind you.

Shaun: ( Turns around, shocked, slightly stuttering) Erm, Travis, - (Thinks of something good to say)

Joe: ... You wanted to tell him about how you wanted to come late?

Shaun: No lah, Joseph, such a joker... Don't talk rubbish... (Can't help but laugh and panic inside for a while)

Shaun: Oh, (Changes subject), Travis, I've been meaning to ask you about what I should do after putting the dissolved extracts in the weighed and labelled falcon tubes.

That said, I still came super early as usual the next day... -_- . No guts, have I. No glory either I guess.

Chapter 110: Differences

2010-11-11T20:59:00.002+08:00

Just contemplating on differences between older gangsters compared to young ones. Especially after having some interest in the recent attacks. This is mainly based on local gang behaviour.

Such public attacks seem to be mostly done by very young gangsters. They do not seem to have enough brains to understand what it means to be a 'secret' society and love to attract or do not seem to mind getting unnecessary attention, especially on the front pages. They just want to prove themselves in toughness, hoping to be respected and feared. Very reckless, not knowing the consequences of such idiotic acts. More dangerous than senior gangsters in this case.

Senior gangsters are more experienced, and while they will fight for turf and to keep people out of their territories, they try as hard as possible to do it away from the eyes of security, knowing they can never truly win against the government and police. They will still beat people up for not paying up extortion money or loans, though. They are mainly interested in profitable crimes, like smuggling of contraband goods, dealing in illegal drugs, managing illegal betting houses, loan shark business, etc.

Chapter 109: Regarding Enid Blyton

2010-11-08T00:40:00.002+08:00

I happened to find a book written by Enid Blyton, a well-known children's book writer and decided to flip through. I recalled reading books such as those from her, but I had neglected such collections quite a couple of years.

At first glance, it consists of very simple yet clear plots, upon which easy-to-read sentences utilising a fairly sizable vocabulary are built around.

That said, it is capable of giving an excellent start on building one's vocabulary. The simple writing style, and yet descriptive enough sentences allows one to exercise their imagination to create images of the events within one's mind. The simple plots helps one to get ideas on what can be written about, should they decide to compose essays of their own for practice. The illustrations are enough to help boost imagination, and yet not too much to prevent one from concentrating too much on them rather than on the words depicting the stories, which should be the main point of focus.

With simplicity kept in mind to keep the eyes of readers glued to the pages, the grammar used is perfect. Great for early readers. I guess I still keep them around as a reminder of times past.

Chapter 108: Christian, I Might Refuse To Be

2010-10-26T23:45:00.003+08:00

... If this continues on. In this sense, I refer to the Christians I have come across. The only thing we have in common would be a connection with God. Bear in mind this only applies to the ones whom I have met recently, and do not apply to the general population. I may be wrong, and I am biased to an extent here. Bear in mind this as I write.

To be honest, most of such said people whom I have met seem to be completely incapable of writing or speaking one sentence without the word 'God', 'Faith', 'Satan', 'Sin', 'Christ', and the worst part is, in every response they give seems to have a bible reference as a must-have. Yes, I am pretty sick of it, and that pretty much makes the difference between me and them.

Take yesterday for instance, when I was talking to someone. I wanted to steer his conversation to a more casual one, but he would not shut up about using the phrases 'Joyful this', 'Faith that'. He stopped only when I asked about his hobbies. Finally found a way.

I'll give it straight, It is great that you are this dedicated to God as the center of your life, but you have to understand that there are others around you who may not do so to such an extent, that is, those who do not worship the same 'God'. While it may seem perfectly alright to spray the name of your God to no matter who you encounter, it would be great, out of courtesy and to be considerate, to be more universal in your language unless the person seems to be as bold as you.

Another example would be in scam emails concerning money. If you aren't sure of what religion your potential victim would be, be more universal and not so obnoxious, instead of writing 'God bless you' at the end of the mail and making Islam references, when I clearly did not state that I was a Muslim in my msn profile. Does my name sound Muslim in any way? I would reply back in this manner if not for the fact that I do not want to recieve more of such junk mail (I get an irritating number of 15+ every week, when I never ever reply to either. Can't they get it into their thick head that I'm not a greedy fool like their target victims?).

ALright, I'm done ranting for now.

Chapter 107: FYP So Far

2010-10-06T21:58:00.005+08:00

From the past three weeks up until now, I've been going through my Final Year Project. It's not really a final year, since I still have a semester left. Well, kind of, I suppose.

It's not so bad. I think I might be getting used to the techniques. The thing is I'm just extra worried about the sterility and the avoiding of contamination so I can get accurate results. Well, I just have a ways to go, since there is stil much to learn in perfecting my skill and techniques. I just wish I can learn faster. Oh, well. One step at a time, right? As long as I remember that every problem has a solution of it's own. I just have to search for it, and sooner or later, depending on my will, I'll find it somehow.

If I were to be honest, I'm still quite concerned about whether my project will be successful. But there's not much choice, isn't there? Rather than be too worried, I should just be cautious, while taking enough courage to dive into the different work I have to do. There isn't much to that. Nothing more, nothing less.

As long as I walk with God as Enoch did, as an instrument of His will, ready to hear and carry out his commands through His perfect plan, while he provides for me all that I need in this journey. And I hope I can continue follow Him even unto his Kingdom after death, just as Enoch was fortunate enough to do so.

Chapter 106: After All That's Said and Done

2010-09-09T10:25:00.002+08:00

That's it. Five examination papers came by and gone, so fast, just like that. Now that these five monster modules are out of the way, these five bumps on the road, a new hurdle appears. My final year project approaches, which I have a certain fear about. For one thing, I have never been too skilled when it comes to practicals and presentations. This module includes a lot of lab work and a final presentation at the end.

Everyday at school will be 8.30 am to 5.30 am, with perhaps one hour lunch break at most. The timings for work may be extended if need be.

Oh, right. If I pass my Marketing for Life Sciences 1 this year, I get to take it's sequel next semester too.

I start going back next monday.

That's all for now.

Chapter 105: Checkgoal

2010-08-10T15:40:00.003+08:00

Alright, I still post even within such crucial times, unlike what I had said in the last post. I was taking a break for a while, and thought of a game I haven't played for a while. I stopped going to the Chess Club for a while, mainly because except for one and a half of other people, the rest of the players were mainly arrogant, and very ironically, the sterotypical disgrace I thought rarely existed. Biggest one is the latest head honcho who used to be an ex-captain, did badly and had to complete National Service, and still comes crawling back jobless, but is still able to talk big.

To be honest, I respect them as players, but not them as people.

Hopefully that one and half doesn't get corrupt too, just as most people do within 1/2 a year, as I had experienced.

I learnt the game in an about less than an hour after being taught by a friend a few years ago who convinced me to join the co-curricular club he was in, by the lures of a good air conditioned and comfortable environment, with the teacher in charge promising to deliver as many CCA points as possible.

I'm still learning to improve, but I didn't have any other associates whom I managed to convince to play the game. Mainly because of misconceptions.

And even still now, I'm hearing the same ones again.

First of all, do not generalise all players of this game as nerds. I'll like to point out that this applies not only to chess, but science students.

Second of all, stop with the sterotypes of chess players being smart or good at memorising. Not only is that generalising, but let me give you an example here. I'm lousy at grades, possibly one of the worst students in my school in all history, and I have a terrible memory when it comes to taking note of the names of people I manage to meet only once or twice. And the kind of fool who rambles on this blog and often doesn't listen to his own advice.

There's a lot more other than that.

I enjoy chess because it's a game, just like that soccer most people enjoy so much. It has that intense feeling that is special, quite similar to what people might find in regular physical sport games. And yet, it has it's perks compared to soccer. Soccer and other sports are interesting in the fact that you are using your energy and muscles that makes you stay alert at all times and actually pay attention to what you're doing, making victory and defeat that much stimulating.

But chess is a game that you have to calculate and look further ahead, and there is that feeling where at the end, you get to see who prevails in their calculations and predictions. It forces everyone to be on the alert and to be constantly vigilant. Losing focus can result in your downfall here.

And let's face it, unless the opponent is a sore loser or uncouth, and since the rules are so plain to see and follow, there is hardly any need for penalties or any incident of injury. Well, unless the opponent, outside of the actual playing of the game, decides to throw a king in your eye.

Besides that, you don't need a video to record games. You just need either memory, or a paper to record chess notations down turn by turn. That way, unlike soccer, it's so simple to view past games and relfect whenever you want to.

That's all for now. Until then.

Chapter 104: Before the Last Battle

2010-08-05T09:05:00.002+08:00

Before I stop writing on this blog for a while in preparation for what could be the most important semester climax of my course of study, before I get to dive into the third year and the final year project, perhaps I should talk about something I just realised these few days.

I had recently attended a gathering/event organised by members of the Faith Community Baptist Church within the polytechnic itself, based on what is known as "The 40 Days of Faith".

And I have this habit of starting discussions that conflict and debates against the Christian faith. Personally, I blame this on the fact that being a free-thinker before, I have spent more time thinking outside of what is written within the bible scriptures. Being a student of science, who thinks of Facts vs Faith as no contest in the favour of facts, this doesn't help lower my impulse to question their beliefs at all.

And most of the time, it seems to be the same. Our discussions enver end, often going in circles. They'll try to break such circles with the talk of faith, while I defend my point of view with facts. And at the end of the day, all they seem to be able to do is give the usual "I may not have all the answers at the moment, but I'm sure they will come one day when the time is right" speech.

Hmm...

Chapter 103: Two By Two They Went

2010-07-26T00:44:00.003+08:00

These creatures we call 'animals' so as to differentiate ourselves from us as 'humans'.

To us, as evident from the words of God, we were being given the duty of managing this Earth and it's inhabitant, including animals, as well as to replenish the Earth (Sadly I have yet to see more of this compared to destruction, but that's another story).

We rear, kill and consume animals. All in ethical and humane ways of course. According to what we mean by ethical, legal and moral.

We use them in our experiments in hopes of ultimately improving our lives of comfort. Once again, all very ethical, legal and moral as to how we defined such terms.

And of course, we humans were supposedly special. We do, of course, posess the holy spirit, unlike the animals, or so we say.

I tend to disagree, however. We can disect a human and an animal, but all we can see is the body, but there is no evidence of the animal not having any holy spirit.

We say the animals cannot have faith in God and thus have no holy spirit. But then again, it is easier for me to say and prove that they can have faith, but not in ways comprehendable by our overglorified, over-boasted, peanut brains (peanut, relative to the all-knowing God).

Let me bring about another human term. It is called bullying. Often, we define bullying as a way of giving one illusion of dominance and mastery by exerting our power over a weaker being.

Now see it this way. If we did not have the power, including the tools and the techniques to do so, could we still exert our mastery over animals and still use them according to how we please? This is assuming the animals have power equal to ours.

There you have it. No matter how much we may say that we have that special holy spirit compared to animals, we cannot do a single thing to them on our own, not unless God performed a miracle.

Holy spirit is hard to proof as to whether animals have it, but power advantage is very solid and visible.

In that case, how are we different from Bullies?

Chapter 102: Father, Saviour and Lord

2010-07-15T20:47:00.002+08:00

Very often, when it comes to Christ in the center of our lives, we often emphasis on his role as a saviour and a lord.

But what about as a father?

So far, all that I have learnt is that we must obey, listen and practice the words of God, in order to be truly his child.

However, because of this, I remain skeptical of whether this is all there is to a father and child relation.

First up, all I can do to 'communicate' with this father is to pray and read the bible, and try to unravel the experiences and teachings he hides from us for some reason, perhaps to test us.

But what kind of father would refuse to meet face-to-face with is children and instead turn his back to us for what seems like eternity? If we see his face, we will surely die? What a kind father this is.

Even a father would like to meet his child as soon as he or she is born, no matter how angry he may be.

I have to say his anger management issues seen in the old testament makes him sound very much like a father in that aspect.

It would be nice for a father to actually listen and consider the opinions of others including his children for a change.

How can we ever learn or hold a father-child relation if he keeps his back to us and refuses to discuss and talk with us in non-cryptic ways?

And I would like to be very honest on this. If my father were to see me nothing as a plaything for 'thy pleasure' and that he can dispose me of anytime I want, I would rather wish that I never existed at all. Slaves to God indeed.

And his cruelty towards animals is quite something indeed. Reading the commandments, I keep seeing 'stone the bull to death'. Oh, and his rules of treating servants sure is nice though. If the servant wants to be with his family instead of living, let's do something to his ear which sounds quite painful in my opinion.

And it really is courteous to smash and defile sacred property of others without permission, and ostracize ourselves from non-believers. That's racial harmony and respect for the property of others for you, coming from the bible itself, which is supposed to be God's words.

Let's see here. At least a few commandments end up with putting someone to death or burning them with fire.

Nice one. Anyone caught working on one single day of the week, which is the holy sabbath, must be put to death. Even if he needs to work to support a dying family. How thoughtful and considerate of Him.

I'm sry, but just all this is starting to make me reconsider following this 'King' of ours.

I'm beginning to consider dropping out of Christ's followers.

Chapter 101: Everything I Have

2010-07-11T20:20:00.002+08:00

After everything that has happened so far, there is so much that I want to say in today's entry. I'm going to let out everything now.

About a few days ago, a worker at CCC heard about how I could participate in Buddhist Society activities and yet lead a Christian life, since he once said that their beliefs contradicted each other. I told him about this since I said that I had joined the YOG Flash Mob training as part of their training.

Let me focus on the reason why I joined in the first place. Believe it or not, at first, I had absolutely no intention of joining in some ridiculous actions and movements while shouting a cheer that would remove every shred of dignity I had left. I just didn't run that way.

But according to what I heard, BS was in terrible trouble if they could not find enough people to fill the quota required, and they were far behind. The threat was to be disbanded so as to make room for other CCAs to become official. It was not the making more room, as I felt they had their point there.

What I was infuriated at was that this was sounding more and more like they wanted to do this for the sake of doing so for some obnoxious political agenda rather than to uphold the true sportsman spirit and pride of Singapore.

I was even more so knowing full well I did not have the power needed to stop them.

But I could only do the next best thing by joining.

True, my joining still left them short of people. But just because I am weak and cannot fully produce a solution to solve the problem, doesn't mean I have an excuse to stand by. I'm sure that, Buddhist Society or not, the Lord would command me to assist my fellow men rather than remain idle.

When it comes to the issue the CCC member mentioned, let me put it this way. I am not entirely sure if this is what society wants, but when I first joined these groups, my first thought was to learn and understand about the different people around. You can read all the religious books in the world, but they won't help you a bit in truly understanding. These books were printed in perspective, and such knowledge is not used to it's full potential without the input of experience.

The commandments mentioned obeying only the true lord. But Buddha was never a God. He was, in fact, a teacher. Although I merely joined to witness their ways first hand, this does not mean that I entirely approve of their ideals. The way I see it, I am simply looking at his teachings, that is, I am listening to his opinions.

"Do not lean on your own understanding". Of course, I will remain faithful to the Lord and listen as well as carry out his commands, but let me ask you this. Anyone of you who wishes to question my actions.

"Why not" Whenever we discuss a topic, even something as sensitive as religion, we like to stay true to our opinions, and voice them out. Let's face it, we choosed to follow Christ based on our own free will, opinions, and attitude. The choice to make the first step stemmed from a the results of a process shaped by our own perspective.

However, the way I see it, it is also good to listen to the opinions of others, while giving ours, and this is what we call discussion. Communication. An actual exchange of what is stored up there is our minds.

And what better way is there to do so other than combining both knowledge we acquired through books and witnessing the activities and beliefs of others?

If there is one thing I wish to do more than just read the bible, I want to communicate with Him. For that reason, I have always preferred combining bible reading with prayers. So we could actually hold a discussion.

Chapter 100: No Truth, No Tome

2010-07-02T11:06:00.002+08:00

Whew. The 100th chapter, huh? When I first started this blog as a way to past time early last year, I never thought I would write seriously and enough to go beyond 70 chapters.

Time for a review, I suppose.

Looking back at early posts made, most of them were pretty rough, undeveloped, immature and written with limited knowledge and understanding of what to write within this blog. Most of it sounded like mindless scribbles on a nursery notebook, and probably still does, albeit not as much as it used to.

But, frankly, I may be a little... okay, very much, embarrassed by what I wrote before. But, I refuse to delete them, because I also quite fond of keeping this blog to remind me of how much has changed or happened, including my views of the places and people around me.

And no matter how many times I can rewind the passage of time, or try as much as I can, I will never create the same memories that I have right now, and that's just how special they are to me. I said special, but I never said anything about pleasant.

I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Here's to another 900 more chapters.

And it's great knowing that the common tests are over for now, but the aftermath is not too pretty. Two reports and one assignment.

Chapter 99: Right or Wrong

2010-06-29T13:14:00.002+08:00

Very often, we find ourselves asking, 'What Should I Be Doing?'. There is the common element of needing to differentiate between right and wrong here.

From what I have found out, a lot of people use different ways to do so.

In Christianity, from what I can tell, right and wrong is based on the words of God himself. For example, through holy scriptures. But the question I would have is how God tells right from wrong. Then again, the fact that God may be the one who defined right and wrong, being the creator of all things contradicts the elements within my question.

In buddhism, it seems that right and wrong is based on whether the actions and thoughts are rooted in negative aspects such as greed and selfishness. But the question again, is how and who defines such aspects, and whether they can prove that their words are absolute.

Certain people say that they base right and wrong on their emotions, while others say they base it on their visions of logic. SOme say that they use a combination of both.

For me, I do not believe in the concepts of right and wrong. What is right, in terms of what I do, I base it on my surroundings and how people act. As they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do".

But that is not all. I also factor in what I should do based on what objectives I want, based purely on will, whether the objectives will result in unnecessary harm, and if it does result in harm, it must be justified by benefits to objects and people involved.

And I have to say, most of these ideals and beliefs I base my decision on is what I am comfortable with, and what kind of environment I had based my education and growth on, and what kind of influences I may have come across.

I cannot promise a true unbiased decision.

No one can truly draw the line between right and wrong, is a conclusion I can come to for now.

Chapter 98: Welcome to 5040

2010-06-29T08:39:00.003+08:00

About two days ago, I had one of the strangest dreams. It was just like any other day, when you hear people talking about what the future might bring, and about their hopes and dreams, the usual conversations.

The next day, I somehow found myself in a strange place.

There were a lot of slums and factories, and a lot of debris around. People were either staying in groups together in one place, looking at passer-bys suspiciously, while some people, supposedly working there, often fought and scrambled for what little currency they could find. These currencies were strangely-shaped. Some were in the form of pill-like structures, while some were shaped like small pieces of chalk. Being new here, I took some currency for safety measure (Okay, it may seem like stealing, but this was for survival reasons).

I then decided to go to the train station to see where I was. It turns out I was in Singapore, and the train station really looked different. The lines were so complicated and certain stations I used to know of were gone, while new ones I had never heard of were there. From what little currency I had, I purchased a ticket heading for Yio Chu Kang Station, to head for the only place I could think of where I could probably find people I knew of.

Along the way, a person was caught stealing a wallet. He was caught immediately and assigned to stay in a prison-like cabin within the train until further judgement.

I reached Nanyang Polytechnic. The building looked a little larger, albeit a little familar. While there, I recognised certain people. In fact, they looked exactly like they did, as I knew them. They did not seem to recognise me at all. Looking at a calender nearby, I saw the year 5040, believe it or not.

The most interesting thing was that none of these people whom I knew seemed to not have aged since 3030 years ago. Or maybe they simply looked familar. Way too familar!

There was an election about to come as well, as seen from certain posters. But no one seemed too happy about it. It seemed that someone really iron-fisted and tryannic was in charged of the place.

Before I could find out more, I woke up.

What a strange dream. This was like something out of a bad science fiction novel.

Oh well.

Chapter 97: Really, The Closest I Have Ever Got To

2010-06-22T21:48:00.005+08:00

Harming crabs is eating just plain fried buns meant to go with a certain crab dish (Can't take chilli, and that was at least a couple of months ago) and that extra rare, very-hard-to-find soft-shell crab (I mean, how many times do I ever get across such a rare dish? And that was a few weeks ago).

But afterwards, I will probably refrain from having anything to do with crabs for a long time to come. Meaning after that little trip to the Rocky Beach off Changi Boardwalk to release around six boxes of live crabs as part of an animal liberation act.

But honestly, that place was not a very good choice, and maybe I should have told them, but by then it was too late. Changi seasides are best known for being fishing spots for live seafood. With all my heart, I can only wait and hope that those crabs will never be caught again.

Although it would be amusing if those fishermen decided to go diving barefeet at that time. Okay, not so, but rather evil of me since crab-induced wounds are also known to possibly lead to infection by flesh-eating bacteria, very likely leading to amputation of infected areas or death.

Thankfully, that area is not so well known as a swimming spot. Whoever decides to, however, I can only wish luck for that random stranger and that that unfortunate, potential victim happens to be using heavy duty armour or protection of some kind.

It sure was one day to remember though. Constant wrestling matches with the legs and pincers of the crabs while trying to cut them loose reminded me of what fiesty creatures these can be.

I do have my worries though.

For one thing, the balance of the eco-system. For another, being grown in artificial environments of farms, that they can adapt quickly to and survive in natural environments.

Sigh, it is but less than a week to another series of meaningless battles. Battles that everyone is forced to fight with their hardest. Only difference is that it is truly meaningless to me since there is hardly any benefit of my doing so other than to survive to the next level. But, I suppose, all this while, survival is equivalent to victory for me.

I have not seen the 'evils' of the world. All I have seen is merely the truth.

Chapter 96: A Thousand Words

2010-06-11T21:17:00.002+08:00

Thinking back, I have this habit of never using pictures for this blogsite. I guess it's just part of my own personal code in writing here.

Besides the fact that this functions as my notepad rather than a sketchpad, I never quite enjoyed or fully appreciated the concept of taking pictures.

Typically, when tourists come to look at displays or areas of interest, rather than take their time to enjoy the present using their five senses, they choose to immediately snap a photograph.

This photograph functions as something for people to look at after their trip.

But often, when taking photographs, we forget to take our time to actually experience the whole thing fully and first hand. In that case, I feel that the point of the whole trip was wasted. If that is all you wanted to do, why not just practice photography at home and look for pictures on books and the internet?

I think, perhaps, I would rather focus on saving the experience as a memory within me that I can still feel the power of my five senses whenever I think of those times.

And the words I use here are an extension of what I have observed.

Until then.

Chapter 95: Time to Transcend Infinity

2010-06-10T09:24:00.003+08:00

Whenever I have to reflect, I realise that everyone has limits within their current knowledge of this world.

This may sound strange, but somehow, I feel that the world can be infinite. It seems to be growing everyday, not just in terms of time and space, but in the people and their movements. In this way, it seems almost impossible to comprehend this every growing database of the universe.

If there was an archive for the histories of the world, I believe it would not only be large beyond comprehension, but also growing without limit. Slow, perhaps, but without limit.

So if I, as well as others, were to stay within our circles of comfort and safety without summing up the courage to venture beyond and trudging on with that great journey, we would be missing out on a lot.

There is a whole endless road out there for us to explore. It is just a matter of being up to it.

True, certain things may seem dangerous and fearful, and we may not want to accept things that we cannot perceive comfortably and accomodate into the realities we know, but through taking the initiatives and attitude towards journeying into this huge world of ours, can we ever make our life meaningful and fruitful. If we refuse to enhance our growth and development in mind and spirit, than what use is this gift known as life?

Still don't believe me? Well, I suppose I have my own story to tell you.

For a long time, I had limited knowledge on the people within the campus. I used to think of all of them as selfish hypocrites with ignorant, naive ideals, refusing to acknowledge the comfortable unknown, but instead choosing to cover up and justify their actions and beliefs with 'noble' sounding excuses just to make them feel good and sooth the guilt.

Dragging chairs instead of lifting (utterly lazy and noisy), switching on laptops during lectures, smoking with public toilets, using 'colourful' words in their everyday conversations, burping outloud thinking it's funny and great, noisy beyond comparison in libraries, occsionally singing outloud and yelling in lifts when in a clique, having mentalities of taking lifts down and then going up (NYPians will know what I mean), bumping into others and just walking off without a word, having egos beyond comprehension, etc.

I had especially limited knowledge on Christianity, and probably still have.

But Singapore is a country with multiple backgrounds and religions, and to live in such a place, we have to be willing to learn and accept the various differences.

If I refused to learn more, I would only be judging by what I saw on the surface, shaped and modified by by my own biased perspective.

Well, I suppose it all began when I decided (I don't know what got into me) to step up to the Campus Crusade for Christ booth for the CCA open house at NYP 2010.

Honestly, I am not even sure I remember why despite being a non-Christian and non-believer for so long, I actually did that.

Soon, I begun attending various P.D.As one after another as an attempt to learn more about my fellow students who held such beliefs.

I saw no harm in it, and since it seem like a good way to spend time, I continued coming anyway, and joined a Disciple Group for that same reason. I started off with a blank, clean slate of an attitude and was determined to learn more from them.

Sometimes, I spent time talking to the members of that organisation.

I found that I had been mistaken.

And therefore, I had never regretted my decision on stepping up that day.

Indeed, I had nothing to lose, and through my experience, I learnt more about other students within the campus, includng their various individual thoughts and stories. Stories that I can take with me in my memories when I finally graduate.

The world is without limits. To transcend infinity? It's your choice.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." - Morpheus, The Matrix (1999)

Until then.

Chapter 94: Forget Those Not

2010-06-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

Forgive and forget seems to be a cliche phrase. And I view it as yet another naive idea, along with the idea of erasing the past.

Yes, it is true that I can forgive, but I find it rather foolish to forget.

It seems the habit is to sweep the past under the rug and then forget it all.

But never forget, the time of time is constant and cannot be broken. The past will always exist.

During the daytime, you cannot see the moon. But you know that it does exist And in the evening, although it may seem invisible to mortal eyes, the sun does exist.

Even though you cannot see it, no matter how much it waxes and wanes, the dark side of the moon will always exist.

The past is the same. You might not be able to see it, or choose to ignore it, but it will always exist. It cannot be changed nor erased. Rather than avoid, it might be more practical to accept it in a way that is beneificial to you.

Speaking of ideals, I visited the funeral of one of my two favourite Aunts from my Mother's side just a few days ago.

Which made me ponder, on what the term 'death' is used on.

The way I see it, we often use death to describe the physical structure of the subject when all its functions that relate to life, such as the ability to respond to stimuli, cease, and the body begins to decompose.

But is that really it?

I suppose the reason why people find it hard to part with the physical body is because it is the ultimate proof and source of the person's life, one with which you can interact with and get a response that comforts you.

However, I feel that a person's 'life' extends beyond his physical structure representing him, especially if 'life' means that the person exists in an observable form that does not involved degradation.

When a person 'dies', he leaves behind extensions of himself or herself, through contributions made that affect the world and its inhabitants, and through the family left behind, as well as the memories which always exist through the flow of time.

Therefore, even though I may not have met her for over ten years, I still remember and cherish the memories with her that I hold. And in that sense, she is very much alive to me.

I know nothing of the soul, spirit, or anything beyond the physical world, but these extensions of a person's life are what I have truly experienced and know.

Perhaps the meaning of life is nothing if death does not exist. We often contrast the two to tell the difference, after all.

Ultimately, since humans first came up with the terms 'life' and 'death', giving birth to names for such concepts, it is up to them to decide how to use such terms.

Chapter 93: Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

2010-06-06T00:07:00.003+08:00

How often have you heard people say that they would like to change everything and turn back time if they could? I would wager that you have heard it often enough.

Well, it may seem quite tempting, but upon further thought, even if I could do so, given such incredible power, I would not.

The past is not a very appealing thing to think of.

When I think of times that I could have done, and things that have turned to a place where I can never reach, all because I made cowardly decisions, it hurts badly.

When I think of the silly and immature things I did back then, it hurts too.

And being reminded of it all by those observable changes in the present and impending future do not help at all.

And, of course, often the good memories are overruned by the bad ones.

But instead of labelling everything as good and bad, black and white, I would like to categorise them all under one happy roof. No matter what they are, they are the truth that will stand it's ground forever.

And the truth form memories that shape my experience. And this is experience that I would never trade away for anything in the world, for it is part of me.

It may be painful, happy or fearful, but these memories are the greatest and most unique gifts that I can never get again if I discarded them.

So, why would I want to go and change the past for?

Chapter 92: Path of Rampage

2010-05-30T17:15:00.002+08:00

I think, at last, all my ties to the past have already been cut, once and for all.

Coupled with the fact that I have extreme distaste for the current status of human nature, I am free to have a disregard for everything except the path I have to walk.

And I do not make my decision blindly either.

You may ask me to be proud of humanity. But instead of that, I would be willing to hear reasons why I should be.

You might say selflessness is a possible innate quality in people. In actual fact, this is just the opposite.

All living organisms, from the smallest of bacteria to humans, have the innate instinct to group together with the same kind and expand our numbers, while in the process decreasing that of others.

Humans are worse, as they have the mentality that they are superior in terms of intelligence to everyone else, and thus feel the need to satisfy their illusions of greatness over every other creature.

Take a look at how we enslave animals as a way of preservation, just because we think only we can truly take care of ourselves, and that we must remain the masters who govern the fate of other organisms.

The reason for this instinct, is because all creatures tend to fear what they cannot comfortably perceive, which is anything that they cannot accomodate into their comfort zones of well being and formed reality, and choose to ignore it and wait. This accomodation, or when they find excuses to cover up their actions in some crude justification, is what we often call 'understanding'.

Being 'superior', humans despise what they cannot have any amount of control over.

Preservation? For the greater good? To keep for future studies? Please. These are but excuses to make their actions of arrogant seem worth it, and to make them feel better.

So I suppose tigers and other organisms are not allowed to experiment with humans and cage them for studies? Or is this simply what a bully would do? Try to control every little thing they see, and ignore or sulk about what they cannot?

In train stations, children rush for seats, while parents help to fight for such comfort, all for the well being of their own kind or own self. This is another demonstration of their need for self-preservation.

And even now, I will wager that whatever I may have said here, I say this to anyone I know, they will just be shrug it off as delusional and unrealistic. All except one or two. But I cannot blame them. After all, this is to be expected, from experiences that I may have gone through.

Chapter 91: In His Company

2010-05-21T22:05:00.004+08:00

True, no one is really around to share the experience and pain with. At least, no one who fully understands me.

I do notexpect them to try to. It is, after all, seemingly impossible for them to do so. How can I do so? Our perceptions and wills are different and unique.

Seeing is believing, after all. Whatever I experience and perceive, and if there is nothing I can do to change anything, I will simply let it be and absorb it into my will.

Whatever happens, as the flow of passage permits, I will stand there and take it all.

However, no one may understand me, but I know I am never alone.

Even when no one is around, no matter where I go, I am never by myself.

I may not be fully ready to take in his complete existence, but if The Lord does exist, then I need not be in solitude at all.

Everything may seem as harsh and cold as winter's winds, but all I have to do it look around.

Every blade of grass I see, every cloud I see in the skys, and even the trees... everything is a marvellous creation of his.

It is evidence, and a promise of his that he will never abandon me. The holy spirit resonates, and it is a gift from him.

Therefore, how can I be alone?

I do not care if he is almighty or not, or even when he lacks limitless power.

He is a friend who will never abandon our side, and that is enough to tide me through.

I cannot careless if he does rise again or not.

He is always around, and that is enough to chase away the biting winds.

Whether he rises or not, it will never matter, for to me, he is always near us.

Chapter 90: Season's Edge

2010-05-13T23:06:00.002+08:00

I tried fighting against the majority for a change. Not that I would actually win for sure, but just for a change of pace. As simple as that. Instead of the norm, which included being supressed by the will of those who gather together, I thought it might be a nice change, and maybe a bit of an amusement for this tired spirit, to do so.

It was a nice change. But it really burnt me.

But some things just seem to affect my will. I welcome it, but at the same time, I hate the fickle hand of chronos.

I used to firmly believe that there is no right or wrong in this world. The so called 'justice' belongs to the strongest faction. The strength of people, and also dependant on how many have band together.

Power decides everything, and anything that says otherwise was nothing but an reminder of how people refuse to face the truth, and instead foolishly cling onto their naive ideals within their safety circle of comfort.

Maybe it was just the people whom I had come across that shaped such a will and reasoning.

Even after that small incident, few people actually wanted to make peace.

Even when I gave my thoughts out to those within a small discussion group, full of people whom I had just met in a club, there were people who disagreed and offered to show that I was wrong in that.

I cannot seem to decide.

I cannot decide between disregarding such actions as an extension of naive thoughts, or whether I was truly wrong and should rethink my ways.

This isn't quite like me. To me, I used to think that each decision was easy to make and that time would flow to completion no matter what.

That the flow of events and time would always exist unhindered.

What has happened to me? And to my will which I had faith in being unbreakable.

Chapter 89: Happy Meal

2010-05-04T20:44:00.002+08:00

What is happiness to you? Quite an interesting question. I wonder how I can answer such a question.

To me, I guess happiness occurs when you put in all your vigour and energy into something you have never really tried before, and eventually you gain so much satisfaction, amusement, and discover things you never knew existed before, that you forget all the troubles and pain of the world you used to see.

Chapter 88: Close-Minded, Self-Righteous Hypocrites

2010-04-30T23:20:00.004+08:00

I hate the word aethism or freethinkers. I detest the word blasphemy.

So, any form of open deniance to your master deities is blasphemy, is it?

And I guess using an insulting word like aethism to describe those who choose to live lifes with their own logic and control, and free will that everyone has a right to, is not blashphemy at all, and unlike blashphemy, is not an offence.

Instead of aethist, I personally prefer the term 'human', since as far as I am concerned, no one started declaring themselves as slaves or servants when early humans first appeared.

As as far as I know, 3.8 billion years ago, or when the earth was first formed, religions was a term unheard of.

Yet, most people choose to verbally attack 'freethinkers' and see them as aliens or foreigners with evil intentions or narrow minds.

Let us go back to the word narrow minded. When someone has enough free will to think on their own, I suppose in their context, that is being narrow minded?

I am insulted, and disgusted at this sickening world.

Chapter 87: Standalone System

2010-04-29T20:57:00.004+08:00

Here you are, claiming that becoming a slave to God (yes, those were their exact words) and submitting everything to a being whom I consider to be a metaphorical idea that does good in giving people a ste of backbone and values to grow their lifestyle about, when I have problems of my own, including my reluctance to accept this as a real, actual being.

All they wanted was blind faith, and they hardly answered any of my questions, but instead raised more, and increased my skepticism. It seemed to me, that all they were trying to say, in summary, was that blindly pledging your allegiance to Christ's holy king and master would add value to life, and show the answers to questions I prefer to know the answers to first before I jump straight into anything.

Further more, I remain skeptical of the claim that the founder had an actual conversation with an out-of-this-metaphysical-world entity.

In short, no way. Not until I get a good reason to do so, or at the very least, when my questions are answered, concerning the basics of what I am getting myself into.

That's not too much of me to ask, is it?

Fairness is an artificial illusion. Sins are never measured with balance. There are bound to be people destined to walk and stand alone. Those who have no common grounds or past cannot get along. This is the law of nature. Even the tiniest cells stick together if similar, dying in shock if a new type of cell is added into the same environment.

Why would you run your hardest forever if the destination remains the same all throughout?

If you wish to run forever, let me ask this of you. How long is forever?

A path in which the destination is unknown is a foolish one to walk.

If you want to spread your words, then before you call me a cowardly loser, put your money where your mouth is and walk the same path as mine.

If this is the law of nature, I would rather see everything destroyed. If I could be assured of this destruction, I would cheerfully accept my own.

Let everything be cleansed away for good.

How long would you deny this and torture your soul, thinking eventually it will be better?

A cycle of chaos. Never truly up or down.

Ask yourself. How long is eventually, and when is someday?

An unproven hypothesis is all you would have achieved with this.

Chapter 86: Just Because I Must

2010-04-23T18:08:00.002+08:00

Lecturers and students looking upon me as a failure of an outcast in spite of what I have done. And yet, only a few trusted friends and those who in charge of my case know the truth.

And yet, simply because I must, I have to take in silence as a payment for a sin that others have committed over and over again. What I would not give to join their ranks instead.

I cannot fail. I cannot falter. Failure is literally not an option that is to be tolerated. Until the end. For one and a half year, this is a promise I have kept.

I must be cautious and never rest. And yet, I am fated to meet the same end as those who are not.

I must reach and grasp for something that will never be there, forever and ever.

It hurts and gets worse deep within, and yet my efforts to take it in stride and work to relieve it will never succeed, ever.

Never a real identity among them. Just a shadowy reflection of what they are, and of what I once was.

It is not possible to be truly accepted by those whom you have never shared a common past with. Those false smiles and passing 'hellos'. The assumptions of lecturers that we have our established cliques. And to take it all in silence as the one and only minority out of the general public. It sickens me to the core. And yet, I have to take it in silence as the ultimate payment.

Those who say otherwise are not me. And if you can show someone who has gone through the same and can say so, I will very gladly take back my words in relieve and believe in such a small hope of being wrong.

Those who say that never giving up is the key to success are those I detest. Hypocrites who have no idea and yet speak of such gibberish.

It sickens me. I would gladly welcome the destruction of everything. But I would not say so.

A peer. Huh. I do not have a peer, if it is a person whom you can relate to.

Let it all end, and with it, all that I despise.

Chapter 84: The Mission

2010-04-20T20:15:00.004+08:00

I had better finish the assignment soon...

But I still remember the day I heard of it.

Script writing time.

Time: Early Thursday Morning

Handphone: Ring Ring~

Myself: (Thinking) Five more minutes... and then I'll call back. It's probably not important, most likely some telemarketer or salesmen spam. Who calls at this time of the day anyway? Besides, if it's important, I can always pretend my phone was on silent mode. Heh heh.

1 hour Later

handphone: Ring Ring Ring~

Myself: (Thinking) Again? Alright, alright, you win a medal for making me grumpy in the morning, and that also means I should probably get up. Very likely to be worth my time if it rings that much. No telemarketer can possibly be that single-minded.

After getting up and calling back...

Myself: O_O 6550? NYP line? Oh boy... Better call back. If they ask, I can still counter using the silent mode excuse.

Fortunately, they didn't ask why I did not reply for two calls. Turns out it was about the assignment. >_>

Chapter 84: Codes Of All Kinds

2010-04-19T19:39:00.002+08:00

Well, it wasn't too bad. The first day of the semester, that is. Introduction week, quick, short and simple. Oh, and do or die... okay, I might be stretching this a little, do or take the full course module, assignment. There wasn't any practical, as typical for the first week, but I still had to see Mr AK to discuss my future plans for the rest of the course.

So, with 3 hours left, I decided to read a bit of my overdued (I'll return it soon and pay, not to worry) copy of the 'Da Vinci Code'. I wanted to see what was so special about it. Pretty good and kept me a little occupied.

I didn't care much for the story, but I have always been interested in artifacts and legends, especially those based on Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity. The wandering jew, the legend of the prophet (Allah's representitive), the spear of destiny, the miracle of Fatimah, etc...

I also had a bit of interest in demonology, the titles and special properties, and summoning conditions and requirements of special ones (No, I'm just interested in researching, I'm not blasphemous enough to even mention actually doing so without shuddering at least a few times).

Angels and their creation and purpose piques my interest a little too, especially stories of their strength, both in might and spiritual.

But I had to wonder about this when I read the book.

It mentioned that Christianity had done wonders for the world despite the blashemy the book talked about, and I had to agree.

But upon the idea of the religion, I was thinking...

!!!!!Do not read beyond here if you are significantly sensitive to ideas that go against the Vatican or Christianity!!!!!

If there was a creator... who was almighty... who are we to say if he really represents good? What if he might have represented what he call evil?

I wonder if there is proof that he was the embodiment of good.

And before we can even do it... Does evil and good exist? And who has the right to define these two values?

If humans are imperfect, then how can we perfectly distinguish good and evil?

Chapter 83: Justice

2010-04-18T02:13:00.002+08:00

A man who killed in revenge over everything that he had lost. An execution awaits him.

Do we know the full story? Have we seen it his way as well?

His eyes gaze over those who around the execution grounds. The saddest eyes.

'Justice', they cry out.

'This is a most heinous deed that I would not have committed if I were in his shoes', so they claim.

Are they sure they are not saying this just to make themselves feel good? And have they considered everything from all points before making a decision?

Maybe. Maybe not.

To avoid a biase decision, a group of people are gathered to discuss before coming to a conclusion.

This cannot be denied. It is difficult to have everyone's view before making a decision. That is understood.

But this does not escape my point of today. Those who have the power make the rules.

Chosen at random, and with fairness, you say? I have to laugh at this. Nothing is truly random. Every force, both physical and mental at work eventually equate to a decision. I find it hard to believe in the concept of random.

Further more, who makes the rules? Humans. Humans making rules for other humans like them. If one's heart is imperfect and impure in some way, as well as biased to some point, then how can the same kind of person make perfect laws?

How is it possible for an imperfect being to create and administer something perfect?

This kind of 'justice', feels like an illusion meant to present the vision of peace.

Rather than justice, I would call these rules the thoughts of those who have the most power.

Justice is blind... but those in power do not seem to be carrying guiding sticks.

Chapter 82: Ends Justifying Means

2010-04-17T00:31:00.005+08:00

Looking at my desk, I spot a dvd my father lent to me. It is called 'Battle of Britain', which sadly, I have yet to watch.

Maybe I will watch it in the afternoon, since it's a weekend when that I plan to spend staying at home anyway. It is a small tradition of mine, to spend the last weekend of the holidays preparing myself for the next semester, both mentally and through preparing the necessary materials.

I remember when my father mentioned Admiral Yamamoto, who was weary of America's strength during the second World War, both industrially and in terms of military and political might. He knew that it was a mistake to attack them at that time.

When he claimed that President Roosevelt's order of killing the Admiral outside battle grounds was an act of murder, I had a few thoughts on that view.

Personally, I do not hold it against the ex-president. As a matter of fact, I think it was the right decision. They had information on where he would be, and how he would be relatively unprotected. If they had not killed him there and now, that opportunity would be lost, and in return, he might return to command in battle and be reponsible for the lives of his own soldiers.

Maybe there might have been a loss of honour... But weighing that against the value of lives and his duty to protect them... Maybe I would have done the same thing as well.

Chapter 81: Clearance

2010-04-16T02:47:00.002+08:00

Just a few days left. But I think I know the answer. I know exactly what I want to do, but I was just afraid of failing again like I did countless times.

Maybe it is a failure, but even I do not succeed, then I will make the next best move. I can still salvage what I can. Even though I may never succeed, at least I know I have gained some experience, and have improved further, albeit by a little bit. And I can keep at this until the final end. Perhaps I won't succeed today, or even tomorrow, but I know that the truth will all be revealed at the end.

The next move would be to keep an unwavering mind, and to have absolute faith in the end.

Chapter 80: This Grayish World

2010-04-14T00:01:00.003+08:00

Do not take this the wrong way, but I am not sure if this is the right way to express my thoughts. I feel tired of 'living' in this world. No, not in a suicidal sense. This is different.

I grow weary of moving like a gear in this colourless world, chained down by earthly obligations, unspoken promises and unwritten rules. Maybe it is just me, but I want to find a way to believe that life is worth living it's fullest. That there is a reason for me to drive through with all my might.

Instead of wondering through the standard path that is in clear view, though feeling lost for a reason that has no reason of it's own for existing.

Lost in a place where the lines that used to separate places seem to blur, and yet I know this blurring is the real thing.

There is no clear line at all. There is no absolute truth. Can you see what another person is seeing? There is no ultimate justice. Those who have the power make the rules.

If it's an open ended road... than I guess this way is more exciting in a way. But this make getting lost easy.

Chapter 79: Special Lesson On Tactical Retreats

2010-04-10T23:30:00.004+08:00

Time for a new chapter in the Tome of Truth. And today is a special one that focuses on the finer points of the art of tactical retreats.

We all know that tactical retreats are very important most of the time, as they allow us to regroup and re-strategise in case of emergencies. Going head on using the same tactics when you are obviously in a bad situation is almost suicidal.

However, I would like to focus on examples of when to make a tactical retreat in life... or sometimes pretend to call it such but actually escape to safety permamently.

These are examples from my previous experience.

Situation 1. When anyone calls you by your full name, you know it's often not a good thing. And in other situations, such as when you get a call, most likely an irritating telemarketer, just feel free to slam it down. Or speak in a foreign language they probably won't understand.

Situation 2. When an unknown stranger, most likely a salesman, and very often an insurance agent says that they want to make a deal or compromise, or when they 'guarantee' that you are getting the best in life. Do not believe them at all.

Situation 3. When someone you aren't too close to starts to act all friendly and smiles. This also very much applies to insurance agents.

Until then.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 78: Certainty

2010-04-07T02:14:00.003+08:00

So a new semester starts in less than two weeks time from here. No big deal. Been here, done that.

But what have I got to show for it? I have neither disappointment in the ending of the holidays, nor do I have excitement towards a so-called new start. I cannot even define my true feelings towards this. It's simply a blur of fear of the unknown future, and yet I feel no fear towards moving on to the inevitable future. Maybe I have grown weary of trying to slow the future down, or that I have understood thatt moving forward is all that is to be done.

Uncertainty clouds the future ahead, and steadily, we trudge on.

Thinking back, there was a time when I got excited by this element of uncertainty. It once inspired me to put all my heart and soul into charging towards it with everything I had.

I cannot say that I am sure of my capability of putting that much passion and inspiration, but I am ceratin about one thing.

I can only keep moving forward, and I will put everything I have got to the best of my judgement to the test.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 77: Grammar Makes My Head Spin

2010-04-05T16:30:00.002+08:00

I came across a rule known as 'the i before e rule, except after c', and I had no clue as to how to use it or what it meant. In fact, I have to admit that when it comes to grammar rules and terms such as adjectives and who-knows-what, I never bothered ro memories since I found that they simply made me more confused.

According to my mother who I had asked after dinner, this rule applies to words like deceit, perceive, receive and maybe a few others I cannot think of at the moment.

And when I said confusing, this applies to this particular rule as well. Maybe it is more of a personal thing, but I feel more comfortable and at ease when writing without forcing myself to think of all these rules and terms people have made in attempts to make life easier.

I guess this might have to with the way I grew up using this language. I trained my command over it through speaking and reading on a daily basis. In fact, I think I picked the habit of visiting bookstores and libraries up from my father.

I still need to work on my grammar, but for now, reading, writing and speaking the language on a daily basis serves as my favourite way to training my command over it.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 76: Perhaps Hypocritism Isn't Such A Bad Thing

2010-04-05T01:41:00.005+08:00

Once, I received a very insulting message from some stranger coward quite recently. Maybe around two weeks ago. I hate people who think they know people so well, but are ignorant of the fact that nobody knows everything in the world. But I harbour more hatred to cowards who lack the guts to confront me head on.

In fact, although I wouldn't do it, the first thought that came to me was breaking the fingers of whoever did this so they could never use them again. I was even toying with the idea of waiting patiently until that time.

That is, until a friend told me to cool down and forget about such people.

A few days later, the same friend got into the same state of hatred and anger towards a liar.

At first, I was a little amused by how quickly one can forget what they taught others, by just a simple fit of anger.

But then I realised that, perhaps this is what strangely connects people together. No one is perfectly strong on their own and will lose their stability in situations. But with the way people help to remind each other to keep their cool, and support each other, in this way, they share a connection. And maybe this is what connects everyone together.

Just maybe.

Chapter 75: Maybe The Sun Has Lifted A Little

2010-04-03T17:29:00.003+08:00

I guess I've come to realised that blogging is quite a pleasant activity. I seem to actually like writing on it, seeing how I've written quite frequently these days. I don't really feel that grouchy, nor do I feel that the world seems so dark and cloudy these days. Maybe the sunlight's coming through afterall.

Or most likely, I seem to feel better by posting instead of keeping everything silent within me. Writing kind of helps me to reflect as those words come out from me into physical form.

Not completely ready for things ahead of me, but I certainly feel a little better than before, and I see that as a good thing, and perhaps a sign that I should do this more often.

After all, I still remember that writing was one of my favourite activities even twelve to thirteen years back.

Not that I was any good at it, but I liked it as a hobby, and to me, that was all that really mattered. Happiness that I could find there was the prize that I kept my eyes on.

And I guess I probably still do. Maybe it's just a guess, but it's better than nothing. One step forward, at the very least.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 74: Nightmares Stay So

2010-04-02T23:07:00.002+08:00

I must say, this is one of the few times I actually want to post twice on the same day.

Has anyone ever had this feeling before? Where you wake up from a nightmare and then feel a huge relieve and gladness that it stayed as a nightmare, and that you were still safe, lying in bed. I have. But this has it's own counterpart, where I would feel really disappointed if my dream remained one once I woke up. Both experiences happened once each over the course of my recent semester holidays.

Let's go over the bad part first. I once dreamt of getting the semester results I dreamt for and even dreamt that I saw them online. Which, of course was not possible since it was still so early. But it felt very real. Imagine the disappointment and fading of hope when I woke up and found myself still in my room.

As for the nightmare... well, this gets quite complicated. I dreamt of doing an examination on an English Language Subject that mainly consisted of questions on spelling and defining words from life science courses. And they all seemed similar to actual questions I attempted for the examinations. Even the feeling that I felt during the examinations, including all the stress felt real, and just like it usually does. Most realistic yet somehow unrealistic dream ever. And before long, I also dreamt that I failed, scoring 19 out of 120 (very strange number score combination). I woke up immediatedly, and was I ever glad. Fortunately, none of that came true since I passed every module. And not too shabby too, if I might say so.

Dreams like snowflakes, beautiful but melting away.

And nightmares like darkness, disappearing as daylight shines through my eyes.

Chapter 73: Missed The Broad Side Of The Barn

2010-04-02T12:49:00.003+08:00

Sigh... guess I missed the chance to take advantage of yesterday's April Fool's Day. Although I did not really have many ideas on how to do so. Not very creative ones either.

I was comtemplating bluffing this blog into conversion for neo nazi propaganda after being offered by the elusive organisation a reasonable sum of money for doing so. Or, I could go and convince potential freshman of my polytechnic whom I knew that NYP was going to do something special for their orientation week by using a surprise fitness test for qualifications, due to Singapore's complain of unfit and lethargic students, and also as chance for NYP to gain recognition as pioneer of sorts (and also to spite SP).

As you can see... very, very weird ideas that probably only my mind can think of. Then again, it takes a mind that warped to write a blog such as this.

Well, of the things that could be but missed the target... there they are.

But one thing I would certainly not miss in sight is the new semester.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 72: Aimlessly Lost

2010-04-01T00:20:00.002+08:00

Why does it all seem so repetitive? This river that flows through, the road that seemingly never ends, passing by the continuous road markings and traffic signs in a relaxing blur.

A path that is has to be travelled despite having a destination that I have mxied feelings towards.

These school years too. Study life is something that I have savoured too long, with a flavour that I know the taste of too long.

The holidays are the same too. Exciting and something to look forward to in the beginning, with no reason that I could put in words. It starts to get boring later, with a force pulling me to long for a change, in the form of the next semester. Strange enough, I know this change is nothing new to me, and yet I would long for it.

Fear, hope, uncertainty... all this adds up to what I feel about this change I seem to long for.

It would probably be like the rest, having six to seven modules with a project for almost every one. And a time where I would be juggling them along with assignments and asessments.

I know of this cycle too well, and have grown weary of it somewhat. Then there is National Service, University and work, before finally death.

And no matter what deviation there is, it basically remains the same. Even variation becomes predictable and tiring.

I wish I knew where I could find my lost inspiration and passion, and how I could live my life to which I could fully put it in.

Chapter 71: A Bark

2010-03-31T02:50:00.002+08:00

I find it hard to believe I chose to post a new chapter as an activity since I cannot seem to sleep, even though it is this late.

It appears that I have a habit of spending my holidays staying up a little late, and just thinking and wandering about.

Sometimes, or maybe I should say, most of the time, thinking of regrets and troubles I cannot find a way to express in plain words, and that I cannot be bothered to share with even my family and friends. Not even with God if there is one. Because these troubles and regrets are something that I know are only as natural as the rising sun, and should and cannot be neutralised in any way.

It's kind of hard to explain. I guess I can compare it to, perhaps, how you may dislike the sounds of crows in the late noon, but you know it is only natural for them to fly around and sound like they do. And that trying to stop this would bring about nothing good.

Besides such things, I guess my thoughts are also about the future. I feel a litte interested in what is to come, and a little upset that time is passing so quickly. Maybe it is a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant feelings.

But I have no reason to feel worried. Deep down, I know that no matter what may happen, or how I feel, the pasaage of time and events flow down, and just like always, I will carry on walking despite the destination being known.

Blocking or trying to avoid this passage is foolish and only brings about pain and suffering.

The passage is just like a river.

It will always flow, and my only task is give it my all throughout the whole river.

I cannot help but give less than 100%.

I want to, but the things we want and things we know we should do are often different, or at least in my case.

There was a time when as a younger child, I had the ability to be inspired and passionate about everything around me. I could actually be excited in all that I did.

I also believed that in the 90/10 rule.

But as times went by, I realised that in the things I want to do, time and time again, it has been proven that 90% is what is given to you, and 10% is from your own effort.

Ever since then, my spirit is just something that I crudely superglued together in an attempt to piece together again. Only with the illusion and unanswered faith in a bright future.

All these motivational talk conmen... you liars. All they did was sell hope, like a glorified drug.

Another thing I have been thinking about, is how I never seem to gather the will to brutally retaliate.

Often, I threaten, but at the end of the day, I easily forget about it and just let it go.

Maybe I am a bit of a coward, and that my own bark is worse than my bite, and nothing else.

Sigh. It worked. All this writing has made me sleepy.

Until then.

Chapter 70: Of Words and Men

2010-03-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

Finally, it's the 70th chapter! A miracle considering how much I have been neglecting the blog and procastinating!

Time to do the norm and have a little reflection on this very anniversary.

If there is one thing I have to reflect on, it is why I created such a blog in the first place. Obviously, this blog has gone through so many changes and evolved quite far.

This includes the topics, the writing style and maybe some changes to the site appearance. Still as black, plain and pictureless as ever though.

I have never been one who likes using words, unless I need to kill some time, which is partially why I created this blog.

Sometimes, it isn't because I have no concern over anything. Just that I dislike talking unless I see how it solves the problem. Generall, I see talking as a waste of time for most of the day, which is why I primarily use it as a time waster.

But lately I wonder if I should just close this blog down until I get the spirit of things going within me again.

I have a lot of questions in mind that I wish I had some clues towards the answers I seek. What exactly am I to do? Is there something that I can truly pour my whole soul in? Or do I remain as a drone? An average droning citizen. Surely there must be something I can equate my life to.

I can't seem to be put as much passion into life as I used too in my younger days unless I know my true purpose.

I need to find myself again.

Until then though. All hail the tomeoftruth blog! =D

Chapter 69: Promotion Ranks and New Credit Transfers

2010-03-26T00:11:00.002+08:00

Time for me to recap on everything that has happened thus far.

I finally get promoted from braces to retainers, and someone's been using my alternate email address to register for warcraft, or world of warcraft, whichever it is, game account. but obviously failed to hack it. And I know the reason why. Heh. Fools.

And, my expectations, or should I say, predictions for the module I can get transfer of credits for so long as I do some work required for it is right. It happens to be Human Bio and Diseases, quite similar to Anatomy and Physiology which I studied before, and fortunately passed.

That's all for now, so until then.

Chapter 68: Time to Unleash the Chains

2010-03-16T23:09:00.002+08:00

If all goes well, the braces which I have gotten so used to these few years should be taken off today.

But like I said, not that it matters too much to me. I've gotten so used to them that I don't even feel them, except maybe when they change and tighten them for me.

The only difference here is that I will be partially free, other than the retainers which I actually have no clue what they look like or how they should be used. But I will be able to eat anything I want without the Dentist complaining.

Can't believe there was a point when I refuesed to get bracing done though. I guess it's the same with getting a new pair of shoes. I get used to them, sooner or later.

Oh well.

Until then.

Chapter 67: It's Not Easy Having A Positive Perspective

2010-03-09T14:03:00.002+08:00

Looking back, I have little choice but to admit to myself that my views on my surroundings look too cynical and dark. But it isn't easy to have a positive view on everything.

What I mean is, I tend to see the world as working in perfect order, as it has always been, in perfect balance.

That much I have to agree.

But what gives me a cynical impression of things around me is that everything seems to be based on a predictable and over glorified, infinite loop.

Believe me in this. I want to see the world as something that everyone of us aspires it to be for the brighter future.

But I want and what it looks like is entirely different.

But you know, it's just not easy to be a optimist. If I had one wish in the whole world, it would be to have the ability to see and charge towards the light, while fighting off the darkness all around.

Chapter 66: Perfect Harmony

2010-03-01T12:49:00.002+08:00

Another morning, another brand new day. And everything seems to be in order. Let us check the list again.

Here I am, with a set of module notes with me, awaiting another day of either examinations, projects or assignments. Check.

And the roulette seems to have landed on final examinations period. Among the population of those involve. we have those who slack, those who burrow their minds into their module notes very much consistently, and those who have a mixture of both activites of various degrees.

We also have those who are on the verg of, or already have a breakdown.

Check.

As is always, people are trying their best to change the world into what they think is ideal or better, typically with winners enjoying the spoils of victory, and losers walking away in pain, either giving up or plotting their next attempt for revenge.

All this can sometimes involve hypocrites and false hope.

Another check on the list.

Part of the losers think they are suffering the most and intend to stay that way. Society usually preaches the typical 'don't give up' speech on them, which has a high chance of working.

Check.

Yes. The world certainly is in perfect harmony and working order, as it always has been.

Until then.

Chapter 65: Let's Talk About Opinions

2010-02-27T16:47:00.004+08:00

Another post, another opportunity spent idling time and energy away. Chalk one more up to procastination.

But moving on to the main point of the post of today, I have to wonder, what exactly are our views on reality?

In other words, what kind of rules do we derive from how we see the world? Maybe we might not see it that way, but most of us live by a set of personal rules.

Sometimes, these are partly or completely derived by outside influences and the environment.

But what I am interested in is, how our personal perspectives of what we see affects these sets of rules.

Unless we are really obedient to our peers and fellow men, we are very likely to be extremely subjective in almost everything we do.

That is to say, the rules we derive are have general similarities to each other, either due to cooperative influences from each other, or from living in the same environment or reality, or perhaps from adaption itself.

For me, whatever I have written in this post all comes from the set of rules I live by. I feel that this means we should try our best to respect each other's opinions.

Of course, it is possible that being in positions of greater powers tempts us to believe we should make the ultimate set of rules and suppress that of others who may oppose us.

Is this what the world really is about? After all, in my humble opinion, no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the human heart. With two feet in the coffin, it is ultimately your own will you take with you, not that of others.

Supression and taming of the spirits of others seems futile.

But, I suppose, that is up to what you think.

Until then.

Chapter 64: A Miracle

2010-02-25T19:54:00.002+08:00

Chancing upon a souvenir of the past, I remembered something.

The day I came to believe in miracles was around the most unlikely time.

I was beaten down in everything I did,and I knew nothing would get better. So, all I did was walk down without thinking, searching for defeat.

Until a miracle occured. And I could never forget that moment. That day, I felt like everything was right, and that nothing could ever go wrong at all. Like all the world was in harmony and I felt complete.

A pity that time has passed though.

Chapter 63: Blaze Beyond

2010-02-24T20:30:00.005+08:00

The intense heat of the blazing flames surrounding was something beyond belief. An eternity from which I knew the end.

"This is it. The final curtains of impending destiny falling in a blaze of defeat. My paper-thin life had finally been used up." These thoughts ran down my memory stream. A fall down the stream, rapidly enough to force a humble bow to my obvious futility in efforts to hang on to hope.

Hope. Amusing how many have said that the blaze of hope was the most beautiful sight. Even more so to realise how I had been so wrong. The blaze of defeat I see before my poisoned eyes is beyond simply appealing in vision. A blaze that has cleansed my sight once and for all. A final gift to me by the pity of the universe.

How could I have failed to understand this before? And how long had the aromatic, sweeetened drug of illusions hidden my sight from the truth?

Not that it mattered anymore, for the ultimate truth laid before me. Yes, the blaze of truth.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed to write something and coincidentally, I was planning a new post today. Even more so was that I had no idea for a topic. So I simply wrote the first part of the story I had in mind. Been a while since I did some fictional writing. If I think of it, I might post the next part up sometime later.

Chapter 62: Alive! But Tomorrow...

2010-02-23T12:34:00.002+08:00

If any one ever discovers this post, and can understand it fully and clearly, it means my brain is still alive despite the immunology genocide.

But then... here comes round two. Medical microbiology. There aren't many notes this semester that are new, so I think it should not be too bad. So long as I rely on my semi-photographic memory and focus. Sounds like a camera, from the way I describe my tools, huh?

Well, I hope I can still keep my sanity and mind intact after tomorrow, which once again will be indicated by a new post.

This is only the beginning, and the road is long and tough. But that doesn't matter.I know I had been waiting for this. I'm walking it, easy or tough, and that is reality and all that concerns me.

Until then.

Chapter 61: This is It

2010-02-22T12:04:00.002+08:00

No, this is not the latest film made by recovered footage of the last rehearsal concerts of a deceased world famous pop music artist.

But what it is, is the beginning of a long, grueling two weeks worth of final examinations. Which I spent the last two weeks (yes, last minute, what can I say? projects, reports and assignments held me back) preparing for.

Tomorrow would be a 1 hour paper revolving around 'Introduction to Immunology' which I believe I am prepared for.

The format seems quite simple, and the notes are easier to revise than that of the rest of the 6 modules.

If I get out of this with at least half of what is left of my precious brain cells intact, this will be evident by my ability to post more in understandable language.

May the barriers, innate and adaptive systems, with the power of immunoassays, protect us all from autoimmunity, immunodeficiency diseases, hypersensitivity cases, reproductive immunology attacks. Also, may vaccination guide us.

And cytokines for us all.

Until then.

Chapter 60: Scam Letter Flaws

2010-02-21T21:08:00.004+08:00

As a way of relieving my pressure, I have decided to dissect the many flaws of a common everyday scam letter just for the amusement of it.

The biggest flaw around here is that most letters do not state how they found your contact and why they chose you as their target to receive that large sum of money.

Sometimes they will say that they feel that they can trust in you and know you very well, despite the fact that you never openly or intently shared your personal details with them, much less know who they are.

Further more, it is most likely that they got such details through underhanded means if you did not intent to show them, which makes them seem even more suspicious.

All in all, the question is, 'why you?'.

The reason why those rare 'one born everyday' people will fall for this is because of human arrogance and pride. Everyone thinks that they are destined for greatness and that they alone should stand out and receive the best. Sure, it is great for one to have such a positive attitude, but it is this attitude that also become their weakness, unless you have street-smarts with you.

Next, for goodness sake, can't they be more original and surprise me? It's usually an obscenely large sum of money or huge investment, involving a roughly undeveloped country, a terminal disease, a dead or dying person, or a widow.

You would think they should invest a little in being creative. How can they call themselves scam 'artists' if they lack creativity?

And if only they will stop using God's name at every opportunity they can and making it sound all so overdramatic. And it would also be nice if they stopped all that boot-licking.

Those who sincerely need help should reach out for the government or any trusted societies.

Until then.

Chapter 59: Set in Motions

2010-02-17T00:03:00.002+08:00

Something touched my thoughts when I had a talk with my elder cousin at the last reunion dinner for Chinese New Year Celebrations Eve. He and his wife asked me if I was enjoying my school life and whether I was looking forward to serving National Service, or rather, if I was prepared.

I answered as to how I would at that time. I know that attempting to delay such inevitable events would only lead to pain and wastage of energy. I know that there is no point in doing so, and that my only solution and will is to move forward through the future events set in motion.

But that led me to think. If my will was to push forward into the future without delaying anything, would it not lead to the final door of death?

If so, then what is the proof of my existence? What kind of souvenir can I take back on this trip?

After some thoughts, the answer became clear to me. My mission here was to collect memories, the deeper and more meaningful, the better. Through these memories, I would establish an form of eternal existence, or you might even say immortality. And it is through this that I shall satisfy my desires and move on to greater heights. This shall be the way that I shall merge into the circle for greater heights.

But through these journey, there is of course pain and stumps alog the way. But whenever that happens, I think of how somewhere, out there, there is a fellow traveller who is suffering more than I am. And that if I were to surrender and yield, I would be dishonoring and disgracing these people. Therefore, I should bare with it and count myself fortunate instead. In this way, I can change suffering to motivation to push forward.

Well, if seems strange, I must agree, and clearly, I am not logician. But hey, if it works for me, than it does.

Until then.

Chapter 58: I Can't Move!

2010-02-04T15:46:00.002+08:00

Recently, I experienced something which used to happen quite a few times in the past.

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find that I could not move any of my limbs or body at all. What I meant was, I knew I was awake, but it was as though I had suddenly lost control of my body. It felt just the same way as it had in the past, as though ropes had bound me. Fortunately, I administered my usual response by focussing on snapping those ropes and moving, which had success in a less than a minute. But the terror was still the same. It felt like a phobia of sorts. Similar to claustrophobia.

This usually happens to me when I have a dream, which is quite an uncommon occurance. Only this time, there was no dream that I could recollect, which I found unusual.

These dreams were not pleasant ones either. They usually consisted of the feeling of falling down, thinking I have an overdue report despite full knowledge that there is no way for that to be real, dreaming of an examination where I could not answer enough questions in time, and dreaming that there were only a few days from an examination that I had not prepared for.

I am not sure if anyone has ever experienced the same, but now I am quite worried. On deeper thoughts, is this even natural, or is there something wrong with my nervous system? I am not so sure.

Chapter 57: Improvement or Degradation?

2010-02-01T16:49:00.002+08:00

We say that our fellow humankind have improved throughout the years.

I suppose it does seem like it, does it not? Looking at the tall skyscrapers and towers erected, and at the marvels of steel and concrete that we achieved, as well as the great monuments and sophisticated equipment and processes we created, this seems hard to deny.

But that is only on the surface.

Looking beyond that, destruction seems to come before creation, does it not?

Take an origami crane for example. We destroy the potential time we had for other activites and the multiple future options, as well as the durability and usefulness of the paper we once had, in order to create such a work of art.

And how about the paper itself? To create it, did we not have to crush and mash wood pulp from trees into such necessities? And even through recycling, we use electricity and power in order to do so.

So, in a way, I suppose, some things are improved, but for the sake of doing so, we have to degrade something else. Just like the science of energy. It can only be transferred and transformed into something else, but by doing so, we erase it's present form.

For the sake of new cities and homes, we took away the potential alternate uses of the land targetted.

For the sake of learning and preservation, we locked animals within cages, but in that sense, we also made sure that they had a safe environment. And credit has to be given to our ensuring that the environment thet live in is as similar to their natural habitats as possible.

Whether we have improved, or degraded, it really is up to how you see it, in light of what you want to achieve.

Life is simple, huh? I can never see it that way. I see it as complicated.

Chapter 56: Insignificance

2010-01-31T21:33:00.002+08:00

I gave it some thought.

It happens everytime. Everything seems to going so smoothly and the goal appears so close, and just before the finish line, fate always finds a way to make my energy and effort insignificant. Thereafter, it lets me experience the whole cycle again, escalating my hopes and than dashing them, just like a small child playing with the bugs on the ground.

I guess I just lack the strength to cross that line.

What it is telling me is that I should realise that desire for power and the ability to get it are very different.

What it wants me to know is that I am but an insignificant bug on the ground. And that I should stay that way.

That makes sense. Everytime I look at the sky, or at the stars at night, I look at them and wonder if my existence or disappearance will ever make a dent in this great network.

Look at all those planets and clouds, so far away and so large. And at myself, nothing but a relatively tiny amount of bonded protein and elements.

Sure, I always tell myself that it's the right thing to stand up again and fight. But what is the point? Is this value that I thought of to be part of my natural heart nothing but an element society planted into my mind?

I wish I could find proof. Proof that I want to charge on and grasp my desire for strength. Proof that what I think want is really what I want. I selfishly wish that I had this proof.

I can only feel bitterness and anguish repeating these endless cycles of hope and failure over and over again. Exhausted of forcing myself to repeat this. Exhaused of doing so just because I am told not giving up is the right thing to do, either by society or by myself.

At the same time, this side of people is so fustrating and heart-gripping, yet beautiful and hypnotically wondrous.

Why is it that despite knowing we will never ever win, and knowing that we are just wasting our energy and time, that we continue to suffer and push on? I do not want to simply be told that this is the right thing to do, but I want to know why.

Chapter 55: Dissatisfaction

2010-01-27T00:37:00.002+08:00

Resting my weary eyes into the streets, what could I possibly see? Lo and hehold, strange drawings and glaring holes on the bodies of my fellow men.

But why would they do something like this? Maybe it is due to their dissatisfaction of the bodies given to them.

If there was a lord who would gaze upon these modifications on the works that he deemed perfect gifts to his children, would it pain thy heart?

And what if their parents? Would it not be equally painful for them?

Questions that appear upon these sights... What would the difference be between vandalism on artwork and what has happened to my brothers?

Perhaps we may not be tied by blood, but it still pains me to know of this. For no man is an island, and these bonds are but enough for me to relate to them.

Chapter 54: Decades Twice Over

2010-01-18T16:24:00.004+08:00

And where had those fleeting years gone to?

Upon the casting of sight on the burning candle below, the answers manifested as one longing shadow.

Of course.

There they were, incinerating into ashes, melting with the wax, racing towards nothingness, into the bitter-sweet layers of mere memories.

Mere memories that could only be savoured for but a brief moment.

But what of the light?

Whence came it?

And where might its destination be?

Could that have been from the phoenix rising from the ashes?

Or perhaps from the newfound potential of the melted wax?

Perhaps this light is what is charging towards a lively future,
while fighting off the darkness of the past about it.

Chapter 53: Man-Made

2009-11-29T01:40:00.003+08:00

I am quite sure most of you have heard of the 2012 rumours. That which I see no concern for, since nothing can prevent death, assuming these rumours are true, even if you were to gain all the almighty knowledge in the world for an eye.

And there have been certain religious groups going around claiming to be the potential sole survivors of this judgement, once againing, assuming there is a judge.

I, for one, prefer to remain an free-thinker for my own personal reasons, which while you see them as illogical (of which I do not care), I see as good enough for my own life.

And what are these reasons?

One, in my opinion, I see religions as groups of people who share a common set of beliefs which shape their view of the metaphysical and supernatural world. And I do very much admire the idea of people building harmony and bonds through common beliefs, but at the same time, I think this also requires the sufficient ability to understand and tolerate the beliefs of others.

Without this ability, which is as important as personal strength, I see religious efforts bringing an adverse effect of disharmony through conflicts that clash.

By far, I have yet to see significant harmony and unity benefits of religious movements. Rather, all I have seen are the forcing of people into throwing away their original ideas to surrender like an unwilling puppet to that of others. I cannot see religions as being different to warring states. And I have no desire to partake in conflicts of interests.

Up until now, for as far as I have seen, I dislike the calling of people to join religions that claim a better afterlife. I do not like to succumb to fears of afterlife, something that I have yet to have a fulll understanding of.

If there is an omnipotent force of the world who is willing to throw people who do not attend sunday church or forget to say their prayers into burning pits of lava, especially if they have no true malice at heart, then I would rather not support such cruelty. This is far from the loving, benevolent, forgiving lord who carries the sins of men whom I had heard of.

I have little urge to follow a book or set of beliefs written by mortal men who claim it to be the words of the lord himself.

Speaking of claims, I do realise that certain religions do not encourage curiosisty or ambitions into matters that, according to them, do not matter in life and conflict with the ideal life.

But, being someone who studies science, I have come to liking to be curious (controlled under standard ethics depending on the country) and, experiementing and observing to test hypothesises. Having complete faith in something I cannot see does not suit me at all. I am not saying faith is bad thing, but that it just does not suit my personality.

The way I see it, what we want to do or follow, depends on how well it suits us and works out for us. This is why understanding and tolerating is so important here.

Perhaps I may change my mind if I see changes before my eyes.

Until then.

Chapter 52: Impending Destiny

2009-11-22T22:01:00.004+08:00

I wonder... is this 'ultimate reality' we see before us merely the converging of what we collectively percieve, with different aspects and opinions clashing at the same time. If that is so, is true harmony, or a 'perfect, complete world' one whereby we eventually believe in the same objectives together, in order to eliminate the chaos.

And, if the earth really does die, do we really need to care about the destination, or the end state of the earth? After all... there is nothing we can truly do. Maybe rather than panicking, a better move would be to think about the journey instead, and live life as per normal, or how we want it to be. Is it worth spending time counting down to inevitable death?

Speaking of impending destiny, I just realised that I have been winning most of the chess games I played recently at the international chess club (Wednesday evening when I am free, air-con and 2 hours, why do you think I chose this CCA?).

And through playing and thinking back, I guess I did learn some things from this old game of mysterious origins and deep history.

It reminds me of concepts in war. For instance, war is a terrible ordeal. Every side involved are bound to lose at least something, and in the end, only one will earn victory. But then, what is left of your comrades and people? All gone, exchanged for the lives of the enemies. All soldiers really were to the player are nothing more than trinkets and tokens for checkmate.

Losses are inevitable, unless the opposition is really incompetent and throws away lives unknowingly. Therefore, most of the time, we focus on minmizing our losses, and making the enemy suffer heavier ones.

But checkmate, or absolute victory, really is a great feeling. It is as if everything you did came down to this final moment, and you can taste the fear in the air, and impending destiny and victory ahead. It is as though, no matter what happens next, you have won.

This game is not as unpopular or boring as you think. In fact, if you like, you can try it yourself. The more you learn about true tactics and strategies, you will come to appreciate the game. The history and origins are very interesting too. Do not just look on the surface. After all, how do you know that it is boring, if you have never tried to actually enjoy the game.

Until then.

Chapter 51: Absolute Truth

2009-11-16T20:05:00.002+08:00

There has been a question that has always been persisting me up until now, perhaps, from the age of 7 years of age. 12 years...

Is this world that I see and feel, and this 'life' I am living, just a dream created from my own mind and perspective?

Is this simply a dream?

We see news of deaths and accidents, we feel pain, and we feel happiness. But how do we know if we only think of pain as pain, or of happiness as happiness, because we see it that way?

Do we mold the structure of the world we live in and see? If so, do we each have a personal world that is modified to some extension by our own minds? Whereby the majority of these personal worlds have similarities that allow them to partially converge together into what we call 'reality'?

If this is so... if I am simply 'sleeping' and 'living' a 'dream'... than what is the absolute truth? Or is there even one?

To that extent, I have come to think of a possible idea.

Is everything simply data? Even these thoughts that flow through me could simply be data.

Let's say... that this possibility is very real.

Then everything would be data shaped, restructured and degraded, all according to our programming.

In this case, is it possible that we use very similar programs to structure and modify these data? These data structures may simply be alternate forms of the very same play dough we used.

And, perhaps through upgrading, and generating more thoughts, learning more from other different views and perspectives, would it be possible to change the data to something we all agree on? Maybe a world that we can all share in harmony.

Perhaps. This is, after all, just another possibility.

Until then.

Chapter 50: Whatever Comes To Mind

2009-11-13T21:17:00.002+08:00

As the title suggests, I cannot really think of one, since I simply write whatever comes to mind on every update without a topic of focus. After all, this is a blogsite/notepad for random scribbles. Just like a piece of paper I play tic-tac-toe or sketch on whenever the priority of listening attentively to lectures is not on the top of the A to-do list.

And like that piece of paper, this usually occurs very seldomly. Just like the updating of this blogsite.

Nevertheless, this is really it. I finally achieve the first checkpoint of reaching the 50th chapter. No confetti or champagne though. This blogsite is kind of budget. No pictures, no videos, no fancy decorations. Other than a good ol' game of pacman. This is a sort of book anyway. And what kind of tome has videos or music in it? Just good ol' fashioned words. Describing things that come to mind. Must not be a very high-selling book though.

50th chapter... despite inconsistent posting...

Either way... time to move on the topic of focus. Well... I did say there was not any topic of focus on usual days... but who said this was a usual day? And I just decided to put one topic today anyway. This is, after all, my random sketching paper in blogsite form.

"I dare you to -insert random challenge- or are you just a -insert random insult referring to lack of courage-?"

Does this look similar?

It gets me wondering sometimes... what exactly is courage?

Well, to me, there is courage even in refusing this kind of challenge. Or even accepting it.

The condition is whether you have the courage to face up to peer pressure and influences and decide things on your own terms.

If you simply accept the challenge just because you are afraid of being at laughed at or give in to the taunting of others... than I would pretty much call you a coward.

Courage lies in doing the sensible thing without the interference of outside factors.

But it also takes courage to accept certain factors and make full use of them. Do not let factors suppress you but use them to propel you.

What is courage? Well, that is your decision.

Did I not say that having the courage to make decisions is important? After all... who am I to declare that my opinions are completely right?

Your future, your courage, your decision.

Until then.

Chapter 49: And With The Sound 'Boom', Critisms from Omnipotent Judges Come In...

2009-11-10T20:49:00.003+08:00

Time for a new entry and chapter. Tis a rare phenomenon to be witnessed whereby I have written posts of such frequency these few weeks indeed, if I do say so myself.

I am sure most people who have read yesterday's news have come across the article titled, ''Rad'-hot Ris Low'. And for those of us who happen to be Singaporeans, or are those several foreigners who have heard of her, I am quite confident that it would not be necessary to conduct a short introduction to the profile of this very well-known lady, or that of why she has achieved such fame, or from the persepctives of others, notoriety.

If I recall from the days I spent at English lessons taken at secondary school, my ex-classmates and I were often reccomended to partake in discussions with the general public so as to further our konwledge of the world, and improve our critical reasoning skills. In the process, of course, our command of the language was to improve.

However, I did not have the confidence to do so publicly, and thus I have resorted to something similar but of a smaller scale, that is, to write my opinions on my personal blogsite.

Hence, let us begin.

From the comments that I had read, I noticed quite a few mentioning how the authors were not in favour of her new found confidence and drive in building up a new, positive image, while doing what I like to call 'damage control'.

Well, in my humble opinion, I very much liked the sound of her looking towards the future in a bright light, and I felt as though there was nothing despicable about her clothes preferences, shopping habits, or casual use of personally coined words.

We were all born with a different individual body and mind, and I do not see myself in any position to declare her hobbies or harmless perferences as horendous.

I also noticed that some were commenting on how she should have done more self-reflections.

While I do agree that her crimes should not go unpunished, I feel that they had indeed been sufficiently judged punished by the proper authorities, taking into consideration both her medical conditions, and the obvious crimes that had to be balanced by justice.

But I cannot comment on whether her self-reflection was sufficient as there is not enough information included in the article for me to do so accurately enough.

Nevertheless, I applaud her new found drive for life.

I also found her courage to have entered the competition very commendable. This, in my opinion, was a respected clash of different opinions and perspectives as to what the qualities that should represent Singapore in general, mediated by experienced judges. One of these opinions in the clash was Ms. Ris Low's, and I find nothing wrong with her wanting to test them with such courage and tenacity.

No one said she had to win. In fact, if you wish to blame someone, then blame the judges. They were, after all, the ones who made the final judgement. The authorities who perceived those judges as dependable enough were also at fault.

Ms Low was simply one of those many contestants who dared to put her image to the test.

However, I do agree that her opinion that those who criticised her would have behaved and presented themselves in more or less the same way as she did, was not entirely correct.

Firstly, I feel that the only way to prove that theory is to have all these people whom she accused take part in the very same competiton, which is of course, quite impossible.

And commenting on how atrocious her command of english and manners compared to oneself, was a very strange way of presenting oneself as a gracious citizen fo Singapore who knows when to criticise and when to lay off (especially when I do not see any profit or beneifts gained from commenting like that).

Everyone's opinion is biased and influenced by one's attitude and view to a minimum extent.

That said, I did not like her sweeping statement of those who criticised her to be cowards or bespectacled computer addicts. She does not have enough evidence to support those words at all.

As a matter of fact, it may be true that some of them were indeed cowards, but what she should be spending her time doing is not calling them names or putting them into cliche stereotypes, but instead analyzing their useful points and learning from them, in order to further her evident drive into a bright future.

Calling them as such would simply lower her to their level, or even worse.

Until then.

"Justice and faith, ignorance and escapism. They never learn. They never listen! "

"After all, people can only understand what they’ve experienced."

- Rau Le Creuset, Fictional Character of Gundam Seed series, from Sunrise.

Chapter 48: Only Human

2009-11-01T15:48:00.002+08:00

Going through this new semester has only brought me down to reality. It made me remember the limitations of being human.

True, we all try to soak up the punishment and pain of absorbing every lecture, tutorial and practical there is, and even go over daily revisions. This was the very same routine last semester. But through this, memories of the lessons of being limited in endurance and speed were recovered.

Sometimes I think they make up all these creative anatomy names, and names of bacteria and diseases just for the fun of watching us squirm.

I realise that it is possible that my mind is limited, but I'm not going to admit it outloud. The plan is to just find some way to overcome it, pretending that there is no shred of pressure within me just for the sake of pride and go all out. I will never admit weakness even if I lose everything and the irritating rumours of 2012 do come true.

After all, when the going gets rough, we will all just get going, right?

Until then.

Chapter 47: By The Power Of Anti-Gravity... You're Driving Newton And I Up The Fourth Wall

2009-10-30T23:01:00.004+08:00

This morning was my very first step into the notorious world of driving. That is correct. The basic theory test.

I took it at the Singapore Saftey Driving Center, conveniently located near Nanyang Polytechnic where I went to for a project meeting after I had my breakfast and test. It was just behind the Ang Mo Kio Fire Station Headquarters.

The reporting time was at 9.00 am, while the actual test started at 9.15 am, the very first session of the day. I believe it was at room 3 of level 4, near the enquiries counter, as directed by the obvious sign I saw near the main entrance of the building.

I arrived at around 8.40 am, and waited around the room. While so, I took a look at the notices on the board.

First up were two articles describing how some man in his late 30's charged S$300 per student to help them cheat by taking the theory tests on their behalf. I believed this applied to both the basic and final ones. Supposedly, he used their NRIC cards with his own pictures. Of course, using this amateurish method, he got caught in the end. (P.S I'm sure I would have done a better job, both economically and stealthily) (S$300 feels like short-changing clients if you ask me) (Not that I would do so in the future which is full of possibilities)

The second that piqued my interest were the pass rates of the three known test centers in the very fine (if you catch my drift) country of Singapore. By the way, they were not exactly the encouragement I needed. The test center I was taking the test at apparently has the lowest percentage of passes for theory tests so far, though their practical pass rates were decent.

Before I knew it, one by one other candidates appeared. They formed the most interesting part of my first attempt experience, to say the least.

All kinds of people came to take the test. Some were middle-aged adults, some were young polytechnic students like me and there were people trying to convert their foreign driving licenses to Singapore ones. There was even an obvious first-timer, who enquired for the test reporting time at the counters. And then, there were also candidates who had obviously done it before.

When the reporting time came, we formed a queue to the desk near the entrance of the room inside. When my turn came, I simply showed my NRIC card, and they gave me a piece of paper with my name and station number at the front, with a warning to disqualified drivers at the back to not take the test.

I sat at the last stream of the fourth row, between a Malay middle-aged woman, and a young chinese national (or maybe chinese educared) man.

After the introduction by the invigilator, and the briefing with the kind of voice you would hear in a hotline, we began the test. I entered my given password into the modern touch-screen computer, and began the 50 questioned MCQs (Multiple-Choice Questions). Some came with semi-flash-video diagrams, and I had a generous 50 minutes to complete them, of which I took up only 10 to 20.

The young man beside me finished a little earlier, and he did not look very happy, which once again, was not a relief to my already nervous mind from the night before.

Once I made sure that I answered all questions to the best of my judgement and ability at the time (the question index for checking was quite helpful due to fears of double touching and thus skipping questions unintentionally), I clicked the almighty 'end test' button, and waited for the judgement.

2 seconds passed... and... I passed. I could not help but feel dizzy with joy and success later on, though I had to first leave the room.

I was waiting to be told by the invigilator what to do, and was informed that I had to throw away the paper I was given initially (kind of like throwing used fullscap paper at the GCE O levels). The confidential message would self-destruct soon in 5 seconds, I guess. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the birefing =P.

I left, printed the result slip, went to the canteen for breakfast and exited the bulding. I saw a honda bike stimulator, which looked very interesting (and fun XD), enough to make me consider trying it.

I am currently considering doing the final theory test before getting the provisonal driving license (PBL, two L plates, registered car and instructor, no expressway).

And that, was my first experience at ssdc (I must have looked and sounded like a toruist >_<).

Until then.

Chapter 46: Looking Back, and Sideways

2009-10-27T22:38:00.002+08:00

Everyone really is selfish, are we not?

This is to be expected, no matter how shocking it may seem to some people. After all, everyone wants a better life. And most of the time, throughout the sands of time, it has been proven that the most effective way measured by the yield of results against units of time, you need to take something away from the opposition, or from the surroundings around you in order to gain something.

Maybe gaining will not lead to a better life, but most people believe it to be. There cannot be a winner if no one loses. And since people carry on following their own methods regardless of who they hurt, or who gets in the way, this proves how selfish they truly are.

True, it may seem like they actually care for others, but it is but an illusion. In most cases, there is hardly any improvement in the care of others. The damage remains, despite the blanket of sympathy covering it.

You can try, but you can never run away from your selfish nature.

We were all made with one body each to look after.

We were not meant, nor are we able to fully comprehend what it means to be another person. Without this capability, true compassion is unlikely.

We need only look after ourselves to survive.

Since we were made to have unique minds, no matter how similar, opinions from us are biased, and influenced by our individual attitude and perspective (possibly modified and, or built up through interactions with the environment) to at least a minimal extent. Therefore, we often think what we view to be best for the world is truly the best.

The world is a dark place, but we can always try to cover it with paper-thin, beatiful hope.

Chapter 45: Weather Within Emotions

2009-09-26T17:43:00.003+08:00

Dry, bitter, harsh, frigid, biting winds driving through the mind. Knowing that I should be upset, but not being able to remember the reason why. Or maybe it just goes two ways. I do not quite remember why, but neither do I want to try to find out why.

I just want to, and feel like walking away and carrying on the rest of life is all I can do. Or maybe I just want to believe that is all I can and should do.

The dust in the sky bring about tears within that cannot fall along with the buried memory.

The sunset does invoke memories of the times that were both fun and upsetting, yet not being that which I want to remember.

But it also reminds me that the future holds a lot more, and that I simply want to carry on, believing that the past was but a long forgotten dream.

Maybe that should be the way it is. I do sort of feel happier this way, or at least I see it that way.

Chapter 44: I Gave It My Best

2009-09-24T22:36:00.004+08:00

Results came out yesterday at 8 am.

Microbiology A (4 credits) - Distinction
Food Culture (4 credits) - Distinction
Introduction to Molecular Biotechnology (4 credits) - A
Inorganic Chemistry (4 credits) - B+
Communication Skills (2 credits) - C+
Mathematics for Life Sciences (3 credits) - C

Last semester's GPA - 2.98
Current semester's GPA - Uncalculated
Accumulated GPA - 3.198

Feeling - Unsatisfied, bitter

I gave it my best. But in the end, I suppose it just was not good enough. Perhaps things are indeed predetermined. Whether we have the strength we need, or not.

Chapter 43: What Have These Eyes Seen...?

2009-09-13T15:39:00.001+08:00

These few days, I have seen a few interesting things. Well, at least interesting enough to write home about. Just yesterday, there was a gundam exhibition with plenty of interesting model kits (You know, those miniature model kits of mobile mecha suits in the extremely long history of animation series?).

I took a few photgraphs here and there, since even I could not resist from the sight of such perfect and fascinating displays, despite my relative inexperience and lack of knowledge on the series. Too bad I cannot, and probably will not upload any of them (It's a thing of mine, blogsite's policy). If it is still open though, and you happen to be in the area, make your way down to Compasspoint (I believe that is the name of the place in Singapore?).

Check out the huge Strike Freedom over there, and along with the gundam's version of the well-known story of the 'Thrre Kingdoms', and the sneak peeks of prototypes... Oh, just check everything there out.

Besides that, I also spotted a few interesting places, which I believe to be at the top floor of a building known as Plaza Singapura.

For one thing, there was a special outlet known as 'Toy Outpost', and I quite like their idea. It's very intriguing, and allows you to not only browse and purchase items, but also allow you to rent a display locker for as low as $1.95 a day (maybe $60 a month), with some conditions though, to display and sell your own interesting items.

Such items can be vintage and also the latest modern toys, collectibles such as trading cards and lighters and other things, though I might not know the limitations as I have never tried it myself.

Besides being a great place to find rare items, this idea lets you experience what it is like to be the boss of your own 'little business'. But why not let you drop by and experience these wonders for yourself?

If you happen to be there, there is another place that sells great (may actually working) guns, swords and amours of all kinds. I simply viewed them, since their price is kind of out of my reach. But, from what I had seen, they had not only really old specimens, but also really cool replicas of items you may have seen in animations and manga, or other media. This I have got to reccomend.

All in all, I have had quite an experience around these places. But, like I mentioned earlier, it might be worth your while to experience them for yourself.

Until then.

Chapter 42: Just a Couple of Thoughts

2009-09-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

While walking around once, I crossed paths with two very playful children, running around. Seeing them coming, I did, of course, try to step aside, but unfortunately, clashed with the younger of the two instead, resulting in her tripping, and crying.

I know it was an accident, but I could not help but feel a little disappointed, that perhaps I might have made the choice of attempting to step away in a different direction. I could not help but think, that perhaps I was partially at fault.

I suppose I was, which I have to admit, but since I did not have any intention of wanting this unexpected event to happen, but instead chose to try to stop it from happening with the best of my judgements and actions at the time, would that mnake me a sinner? Maybe whether I am depends on the perspective from which it is portrayed.

I know this question does not have much significance for now... but it would be an added bonus to know the answer, as it does interest me a little.

That aside... these few days, I cannot help but wonder if some people are hopelessly selfish? Maybe it is simply my view from living around my fellow countrymen, and having little exposure to the rest of the world, so let us limit my views to say, majority of the people I have met at those times.

That said, my experiences have given me the impression that these people, including myself, deep down within, even if it be only a insignificantly small amount, are selfish thoughts.

After all... if I were to succumb entirely to this selfish part of me, I realised that my thoughts and views on life change. This next paragraph depicts these thoughts.

"I am only given one life, and in the end, am I not the only one who can look after it? Who is to say others would help me, if I were to do the same for them? No, the only trusted idea is that I would certainly be the only one who can look after myself in the end. Therefore, no good would come out of compassion. Let others help each other if they wish, I do not need to care at all. Even if the whole world dies off, what does it matter to me?"

But if I were to fully control my own mind, I obviously do not think this is entirely true. I know that we are all connected to this same world together, live and will die at the same place, and therefore, the key to surviving and building a truly enhanced life is to work together, and give care and compassion to each other.

But the point here is, no matter how many courtesy campaignes we hold, we do not strive to eliminate selfishness, but to supress it to desirable and helpful (of our current perspective, of course) levels.

That is about all, for now.

Chapter 41: And the End of the Journey...

2009-09-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

A few days ago, I was playing a game for lesiure, trying to kill time during my 7 weeks of holidays. I had no big project, since I would only get promoted to year 2 the next semester.

But while my opponent was enjoying the fun of the game (while he was winning of course), and as he looked on to see if I found the same joy, I realised I might have been a little too serious.

At that time, others were enjoying the fun and amusement of the game, during the journey itself, and all I could think of with grim was finding a strategy to come back for a full victory. I felt the only was I could ever be happy was if the end of the journey was in my favour.

The same probably goes for everything else I have done. To put it simply, perhaps my attitude towards life needs to be adjusted. People say the journey is more important than the goal itself, which is a concept I have completely opposed...

Chapter 40: 3 Wishes? Why is 3 so special?

2009-08-25T19:57:00.001+08:00

Have we not ever wanted three wishes to be fufilled in our lives? Well, I do. Three things I want the most.

Courage. The courage to stand up against my own fears and the nerve needed to come out of my safety lines. I want the courage so I can do what is needed for me to change my life for the better. I just want this courage so badly. It would be even better if I had this courage a long time ago.

Strength. The strength to overcome anything. Without power, what good are my thoughts and effort? I can just push forward with all the ideals, but without the strength, it is all worthless. I depise my lack of strength. It stops me from ever reaching the goal. No matter how much effort put in, I can never gain this true strength. I despise this weakness and I want the strength to overcome it so badly.

Foresight. The foresight needed to see beyond the metaphysical world. The ability to see the truth. I dislike wandering around, being blinded by false illusions. Wandering around so long. I want true sight.

Until then.

Chapter 39: Beneath the Surface

2009-08-20T19:40:00.000+08:00

A long time ago, there existed a city that looked so clean. Well, at least it looked clean. They seemed to perfect, even foreigners and strangers respected it.

Hey, they have educational institutes of great reputation, and look after the citizen's health perfectly, for instance, discouraging smoking and heavily imposing tax on it.

But, shall we dig in a little further?

Take a certain well-know boy's secondary school for example. I believe that place has been said to be an excellent learning hub, being one of the best quality schools available.

But have we ever listened to the views of all the students within, and I mean all, not just choosing a selected few, or 'randomly picking' a few from a limited chosen group, or from students who happened to be conveniently nearby for questioning.

Funny how they had managed to hide articles of the school gangs, cowardly and unworthy teachers and principals, and silenced students.

Even their cheating in examinations is straightforward. Just a possibility, but I wonder if that is a great strategy for keeping up their school's academic reputation, where the teachers do not even do anything effective enough.

Not to mention the illegal dealing of drugs and cigarettes. Even the authorities are plain incompetent here.

In other words, this place is nothing but a paper house, the kinds you see at a chinese styled funeral. Looks good on the outside, but I am sure you can guess its strength and durability.

Is this world even worth caring for, and trusting? A person onced said that a few drops of oil does not mean the whole ocean is affected, but let me say something to this with all due respect. If we do not do anything, then the oil will simply spread, and than nothing will be left. Which is what we are doing.

If I am stopped from doing anything to help, due to their pathetic excuses and false pretences, than what?

Until then.

Chapter 38: And All the World's a Rage

2009-08-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

Good day, as I pen down more of my thoughts for memory's sake (Although what good will it bring).

Maybe I am a bit of a pessimist, as some may put it, but somehow, I see this world as a place of hardship and chaos. In a way, hardship drives us forward if we respond correctly, but on the other hand, this test of responses and effects can wipe out millions into devastation. Whether it is worth it or not, I suppose it is all in the eye of the beholder, as is with almost anything, both truth and lies, in my opinion.

'Will you continues believing in a truth, if it is a lie?' is a question I deem ridiculous in it's sense. Even the topic of whether it is deemed ridiculous or not lies in the eye of the beholder. I do not think there is an absolute truth. I think what we see as the absolute truth, is a result of the culture and society we grew up around, and the government control over the media and land. Not that the effect is immediate, but it gradually grows in influence.

I cannot see the world to be simple, because I choose not to. I see it as a complex network, because I believe it to the truth in my own eyes. They say whether there are complexities depends on whether you see them, and I choose to believe that.

On the other hand, while I do have my own ideals, I understand and respect the ideals of others, and see no point in changing them, as it will do me no good, and I cannot take away this very part of them. Even if I remove the present, the past will always remain.

To me, everybody wants to find a place they can call their home, or their own world. They want a place where they can be happy, simple as that.

I want a place where I can be truly happy too.

But changing the world to our absolute needs and desires, is never the solution. If we do this, there will always be a winner, and a loser. At the end of each day, one side ends up weeping in defeat, while the other cheers in victory.

And in this way, nothing but chaos and rage fills me.

Perhaps, the way to true happiness, is to change our ownselves. Not completely until we lose our true identity and origin, but to an extent where we can acheive what we really want with disrupting our surroundings, including the people around us.

Maybe that is what I want to. Maybe that is what will make me happy. Finding a way to true harmony.

Until then.

Chapter 37: Just Listen

2009-08-17T14:46:00.008+08:00

Another day, another post. Well, not really everyday, but these days I have a couple of thoughts I need to pen down so they will not be lost forever.

Sitting down, looking at my surroundings, I wonder. Do people really ever sit down just to listen, or just to think, even for a little while. How many of you actually take some time, using a hundred percent effort to think? Or even respect something enough to spare your brain cells for a while? It's not that hard, and it really benefits you.

It does not have to a complicated world issue, maybe just something you see, or a headline. Or better yet, what you say and what you do. How many of you simply spit out vulgar language without thinking through, just because you think it is the end of the world, and you suffered too harshly to even care? Have you ever given a thought before throwing food onto the ground? You may think it's tiring to think thnings through, but sooner or later, these behaviours develop into a habit, like a daily ritual.

Have you ever thought about your own self-respect? Do you really enjoy looking like a monkey while yelling or screaming, jumping up and down? It is true that apes have more chromosomes than humans, but, I do not really want to look like one, since I enjoy being a human.

Do you think others like it when you whine in your whining voice almost the whole day? Please, even if you do not want to respect yourself, which I can understand, at least pretend to for the sake of being considerate to others.

Open your eyes, listen with your ears, its kind of helpful. And the whole world does not revolve around you. Think about it. If everyone thought of themselves in that sense, than the whole world would spin out of control, into chaos.

Stop, think, listen, and smell the flowers.

Until then.

Chapter 36: The 'Impossible'

2009-08-17T14:46:00.004+08:00

No one has ever achieve this for as long as I can remember, yet I am willing to go against 'fate' as well as the odds.

After all, I am no more than just one speck of protein in the whole universe that I have yet to see.

And even, then, after all that I have seen, what makes me think I have an actual chance of this?

I know I will not put up much of a fight, as seen from so many previous failures.

I know I do not have the strength nor the capability that others before me have.

All I have is myself, my desire to try, and my basic right as a challenger.

But I cannot even explain the reason to my own self. I just know that I have to. Maybe it is similar to how I know when one is lying or speaking the truth immediately?

Maybe so.

I never liked to talk, because I never saw the sense or logic of it. After all, it is enough so long as we can get the results and put in the efforts and actions, is it not? I guess that is just how I see it.

So, I suppose there is no longer any need for words now.

Until then.

Chapter 35: Standing Back

2009-08-16T20:58:00.000+08:00

Well, it is the end of another usual uneventful week here. And from tomorrow on is my study break.

Also, it's just another one of the days where I feel the need to record my thoughts down before I forget them, like almost everything else after I am done with them. Which is usually everyday.

Okay, high time I stopped confusing everyone around with my long, seemingly meaniningless words.

And time I got straight to the point.

Ever since I do not know when (What useful details I provide), whenever people are in a tight spot, I used to believe standing back, and keeping my advice and hands to myself until they found the strength on their own to get back up onto their feet, was my way of respecting them, and the sheer way of making them learn something useful. Well, I am not that cruel, maybe until they really need help.

But the question is, when should I intervene, and stop waiting for them to find the strength they need on their own?

I know that I should do unto others what I want them to do for me, and that is exactly why. I want them to show the same respect for my self ability.

And people seem to reprimand me for this, calling me heartless.

Well, I have got to say that is not true, but I do think I may need to m ake a few changes, I will give that much credit.

Chapter 34: Higher... or Lower Purposes

2009-08-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

I have never really believed in a God or almighty force surrounding the universe. I suppose it was because of my surroundings that I grew up around. Despite the fact that I went to a school that emphasised so much on the blessings of God. I guess I never found reason to, since most everything that happened did not seem like a work of his at that time, and all the mistakes I made seemed to compile up, and I quite seemed to know that it was all my fault.

But history seems to be repeating itself this time around. Once, there was a time when everything seemed to go wrong, and even if something good did happen, what ever came about later just crossed it out. Whenever I tried my best and went my furthest, it just was not good enough.

Things did lighten up for maybe two to three years, but at the end of it all, it began to slide down, and disappear. Sure, some futile struggling occured, for maybe two to three years, but that all died down, and I could not seem to gather anything more, and everything seemed numb, no matter how much I cried out within.

If there is a force controlling all around, I can pretty much guess what this means. It probably means he wants me to move on from what I am doing. But if there is still hope, I would very much like a sign. Just a simple one would do.

Enough of this tortured life though.

Moving on, I came to learn something these days. Everyone has a little darkness within, no matter how -holier-than-thou they pretend to be. Some just cannot controll this darkness. The most glaring of all is their pride and ignorance, a very potent mix. I also realised another thing. If they do not like being proven wrong, then there is no point in talking to them, the control tyrants who pretend to be angels in the sky.

Everyone thinks that they suffer the most, and deserve the most pity. They unconciously think the world revolves around them, like it or not. But have they ever opened their eyes? Have they ever seen and acted compassionately when others suffered as they are now?

Ignorance is a very dangerous thing.

Until then.

Chapter 33: Just So Tired

2009-07-21T00:11:00.003+08:00

For the past few years, no matter what strategy or effort I put in, everything always seems impossible. I really think I exhausted every bit of strength left in me. Looking at my past dream, maybe I was aiming for something out of my reach and not something I am meant to do.

I have wasted at too much time just trying. Forget it. I can't even feel any energy left. It's all numb.

I also long for a change of pace. Maybe I should look for something else to work towards.

But whatever effort and experience from these years, will most likely continue to haunt me.

Chapter 32: The Return

2009-07-18T17:58:00.003+08:00

First of all, I had seen better days, and just wanted to lay down for a while. But from now, I think I feel better. Do not get me wrong, I have not, and probably never will give up on anything. I just need a rest here and there.

Life is a priviledge, and also a journey which is shared and continued by everyone. Everyday, no matter what we do, or what is the outcome, we spend every second seeking the means to protect and enhance this gift. Our faith in this enables us to go beyond what our five senses can conquer, which I think is the closest to the term 'miracle'. We all have the best intentions in mind, but just are not doing it to what most people deem favourable. But the fact that we share the same goal is good enough for me.

Sure, that above paragraph may make you go, 'humph. Just another one of those talk-a-lot-of-holier-than-thou-self-righteous-but-hardly-any-action-or-truth-in-it sayings'. But, hey, I will be frank with you. That just does not matter to me. In the end, I will be taking my own beliefs to my final station in this journey of life, not yours, and in my opinion, I am free to change it, or let them remain the same. I might, however, listen and take action if you give your opinions in a reasonable and civilized manner.

That said, while spending the day, I came upon an interesting but familar topic on smoking. Yes, the very notorious and almost one-sided argument. But before you roll your eyes and either (a) speed read without caring or (b) exit from this website while judging this without taking your time to read, you may be wondering how this is related to the earlier paragraph.

Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier, we call have different opinions as free living beings, and I personally feel we should consider that of both non-smokers, smokers and by-standers. Extremism will only most likely lead to (a) More battles between parties (b) A nice outer front of a beautiful world of people with fake smiles and fake 'honor' .

On your left, ladies and gentlemen, we have the supporters of anti-smoking, or controlled smoking. From the various control systems or bans I have seen proposed, I highly doubt any of them would achieve true peace. Sure, we may get a cleaner environment, but all we will get are really angry and hostile feelings within smokers. Surely, there is a better way to respect each other and still acheive true peace? In fact, if not for this outcome, some people may become more aggresive in maintaining their wish to smoke anywhere they want. I am not sure about you people, but this is an outcome I certainly would not want.

On your right, we have those who support freedom of smoking. A common argument I have seen is, while people claim they want freedom to breath in fresh air, smokers have claimed they want to have freedom to smoke when and where they want, and others should give way to them. While I do support the part where everyone should be given a right to do what they wish to do, I do not think it is fair to suppress the rights of others. 'You do not like it when people smoke in front of you while you are walking to the fresh smelling park? Then walk in front!' is what some have said. 'You do not like the smoke here? Then go somewhere else!' is another phrase I have encountered, along with 'You do not want to breath in the smoke? Then hold your breath until then!'. But let me ask you people, by controlling the places, positions, and times to breath, are you being fair to their freedom?

Personally, in my own humble opinion as a normal inhabitant of this big world, I think, before we even come up with plans to control smoking, the EVERYONE has to do, is open their hearts wide, and try to understand our feelings, and the positions we are in. Why not try to walk before we try to fly? I do not think it is right to force people to think smoking is unhealthy, or that smoking is a perfectly healthy habit.

I hope we can build a better world for everyone. Until then, farewell.

Final Chapter: Final wish

2009-05-07T22:41:00.002+08:00

Just writing so I can end this. The anguish of life. If I could alter reality... I would find the possibility where I never existed in the first place. Hey, at least it is less painful right? I believe the world splits into many possibilities... and if I believe enough in this particular one... perhaps I no longer would even have known of the pain of life.

Chapter 31: The Light Ahead

2009-04-22T22:57:00.003+08:00

Welcome to a new chapter here at the tomeoftruth, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, or whatever you want to be addressed with.

You know, today, while I was struggling to wake up in the morning for school, I was thinking. And, yes, I do think. This evil propaganda plot disguised as a (almost, just of the lesser evil) harmless looking blogsite did not manifest by itself, mind you. What was I getting up to live another day for? What was it that made me feel alive?

While, the answer is this. Besides waking up so I can write a new chapter to devastatingly crush all readers beyond mental repair so I can brainwash an entire army of slaves to do my bidding, and please pretend you did not hear that, so get back to reading this harmless blog, I think the reason I feel so alive is because I have an ambition to work for.

That is the reason I am attending my classes with utmost determination and focus, the core within which why I do my homework diligently despite the fact that I am writing this chapter as an excuse to conivince myself that I have a right to avoid my work for now as a short break.

But... what that ambition is... I guess when I acheive it, I will let you guys know. As soon as I do not procastinate, and we all know the story about that one. Even if you do not, it is very likely that you will soon.

Well, until that illusionary day, I will be seeing you all for the next chapter.

Au Revoir!

Chapter 30: It's Alive!

2009-04-21T22:52:00.002+08:00

A very good day to all viewers on the tome of truth blog, otherwise known as the living version of the underword, where many enter due to (almost) false advertising of an intense,e xciting vacation, while almost none leave with their sanity intact. So, count yourselves lucky, those who can still understand human words after reading this blog, as you have just hit the jack pot.

Moving on to the main dish of the dead, I mean, day, I have just completed on of my assignments which I think will be graded, fully explaining why I actually went ahead to work so hard for. I am, a very, but partially self-declared, gun pointing those to reason into agreeing with which doubles as an example, practical kind of blog writter.

And... anyway, after spending what seemed like a few millenia, but is actually just a few hours (exaggeratting, one of my hobbies, very relaxing, sided with a heart overdrive and a ice cold glass of panik attack), my proposal. But the topic is.........................................

................................................................................
...............................................................................
Wait for it.............................................................

Confidential! Thank you very much!

I might, however, reveal my location on the day my creation has it's debut showtime. Might, emphasis on the might. Mainly depending on my procastination level of the day. Which is usually quite high. But there is a small chance. Believe me, please. I am a very turstworth person. Maybe capable of creating false evidence just for leisure. But really, I am harmless.

So... as we heard it. It's alive! This deadly document is finally alive! Capable of burning eyes which lie on it! It's alive!

Until then, readers, sleep tight, and good night. Yes, it ryhmes, doe it not? I like rhymes. A lot. Goodbye. You can go now. Shoo. Scramble.

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Chapter 29: The Gates To The Field Of Honour

2009-04-20T23:00:00.004+08:00

Good day, fellow humans. Today, as we all know, partly due to my constant reminders, marked the start of a fresh, new semester. The gates to the battlefield finally open. The scent of the desire to fight for the sake of living is in the air.

Come, let us feast and indulge in these days of glory. The night is still young, and the winds bring forth soft, sweet whispers of victory and yet, raging, bitter yells of defeat.

Valhalla Hall descends on Earth, brilliantly standing against the vicious strike of the fiery sword held by an angel of battle.

Well, you get the point. From today, onwards, every day will be a battle to the ultimate goal. There can only be one left standing.

Chapter 28: Back... To The TomeOfTurthCave!

2009-04-19T18:58:00.002+08:00

Hello, gentlemen. Yes, I have finally awakened from a millenia (fine, less than a month, I was exagerating) of slumber to feast on this rotting world again... And I call forth this meeting of evil. And since I am the only member of this board (T_T, it's not my fault that I fired everyone else for the pleasure of it), we can skip the roll call.

Well, I got my timetable some time ago... five year one semester one modules as I had transferred over last semester, and one year one elective, food culture. A couple of reasons why I chose this particular elective module do exist, being a very reasonable person myself. I shall not hesitate to show thee the way to heaven should anyone wish to insult this blog. I am a very, partly self-proclaimed, practical man.

First of all, I can hardly imagine myself writing an essay in a foreign language unless there are benefits, as in knowing new ways to verbally abuse someone without them knowing what I am talking about, giving me time to return to the tomeoftruth mobile before they put things together.

Secondly, I refuse to take an IT course and risk getting poor grades. My very laptop can be my greatest enemy sometimes.

Finally, my knowledge on food and nutrition and it's sciences might give me some edge in this module.

Hmm.... and now the days of glory are ending... the doors to the battle beckon... and with my tomeoftruth utility belt, and the latest technology in expensively modified suits with a ridiculous mask... I shall be unstoppable.... *Insert evil laugh* Also, I have my new lecture notes.

Until then, have a happy day, readers... for now.

Chapter 27: Uncertainty...

2009-04-01T23:19:00.003+08:00

A big welcome to a sparkling new chapter of the tome of truth, dear guests. Well, only about two weeks counting down to the blasting of a new semester. I feel pumped up for the future that is to come... but baring in mind the powerful hurdles ahead, the stars that shone so bright upon the path to my goals just seem to dim, almost vanishing.

As does the fire within me. I just feel the curshing pressure of whether my best efforts will even be enough, while thinking of the great opposing power I felt before. The world is so large, and yet I feel so small. I do not know if I can make it, after witnessing such terrifying prowess.

But I do know this. All I have to hold onto, is the faith in whatever I have done so, the faith that my efforts will eventually lead me to the finishing line. That is all I have, a thin rope of faith. Just my beliefs. But when have I ever had any real beliefs in anything? I just have to try to keep this torch burning. And if I should burn out to a crisp, so be it. I do not really have much to lose. Just all that I have.

Until then, guys. My apologies if this sounds far more serious than my past entries, but I say this with all my heart. Oh, and when the new semester comes, I may not be posting much in this blog. And no, this is no april fool's joke. This will truly be my final stand.

Chapter 26: War Games...

2009-03-31T23:48:00.002+08:00

Hello, dear readers, to a new segement of the tome of truth. Well, for one rare moment during these few holidays of mine, I went to Nanyang Polytechnic to meet up with a few classmates to try out some sports. And to clear your doubts, yes, I do excersise.

Well, we did some badminton and casually played soccer (This just means the rules were not applied, so as to make it sound good enough to save my face >_<).

While playing such sports, whenever I looked at professionals who were so specialised in their respective sports, one thought came to me.

I may not be able to hold a candle to them in such sports, but when the time comes, I must put in a lot more effort and strategise better in my work, just like they do in their work.

Heh. Well, I guess that last part does not really make any senses to any of you right? Ah, nevermind. That is probably true for most of whatever I write anyway. But, as guinea pigs of the tome of truth, I guess you do not mind putting up with whatever I do here. >: D

When the time comes, I know what I ought to do, and to me, that is enough.

But when the next chapter of the tome of truth comes, and like for every other chapter, most people do not know what they ought to do... head to the nearest shelter or quickly shut their computer down... although you might want to be prepared, for it willl not be long for when that time comes...

Until then, experiment subjects, er... I mean, readers.

Chapter 25: Looking Back...

2009-03-30T23:34:00.004+08:00

Welcome, dear readers, to once again, a new chapter of the tome of truth. Well, remember the last time I mentioned the national education project? Okay, I guess that might have been a while, so let us have a recap.

To put this in basic form, in order to fulfil a certain requirement decreed by the grey men, I am told to create a documentary or representation of events in the past of Singapore, so as to learn and, to prove and certify that I am aware of the history of Singapore and how far it has brought us and the lessons we can learn, as a group project during the holidays, in which one of the first essential parts is to gather members from class which would be difficult to do so if not for MSN (The MicroSoft Network) Messenger program, handphones and emails (Okay... I guess it was not too bad) as a constructive activity which I would like the supervising lecturers to know that I find it very fun and interesting. (<------ NOTICE)

Actually, it really is kind of fun and interesting to learn about the past and the great things that do not exist today.

Well, back to the present, I went for another meeting today, and we settled the editing of the interview video (Which, trust me, is great entertainment, like watching a cantonese drama, but with actual solid content. I am going to ask for the RAW video later, if possible). And, we worked on the scenes and props, which meant mroe work for me to edit the script. >_<; But the highlight of the day, and to my horror, is that before I came to register the consequences in my mind, I already volunteered an area (the back area where a wooden door from the kitchen leads to the outside) as a place to hold a certain scene involving robbery. Speaking of robbery, since they were going to use fake knives, I am planning to edit the script to include a small slashing action, in which the robbed victim hurts her hand by using it to push the blade of the weapon aside as a natural defense machanism, just to add a little action. Originally, I would not have added that if we were to use real knives, for safety's sake.

Here, I went, sidetracking again. -.- Anyway, the reason why I volunteered is this. I told them that I would write the minutes for the meeting. But they were changing their mind and making so much discussion about where the scene of the robbery should be held, and since I thought the place I volunteered could look like what they were looking for, in order to help them find a conclusion, I automatically gave them a solution. Twenty-five percent within myself, I am hoping they will find the place unsuitable.

Well, now I have to get some cheap shorts and singlets to wear from an old market. And if I actually do wear a singlet for what has been a long time to come, that will probably be one of my most degrading moments. But, hey, the remaining seventy-five percent of me does see the bright and logical side, knows what that the right thing should be done, and will not mind a thing. Just as long as nobody else sees the video. Heh.

Until the next station of the tome of truth then, and no, do not get your hopes to high. I will not be posting the video of the play on this blog site. >_> And I shall still continue writing new chapters. Double bursts of bubbles.