Chapter 56: Insignificance

I gave it some thought.

It happens everytime. Everything seems to going so smoothly and the goal appears so close, and just before the finish line, fate always finds a way to make my energy and effort insignificant. Thereafter, it lets me experience the whole cycle again, escalating my hopes and than dashing them, just like a small child playing with the bugs on the ground.

I guess I just lack the strength to cross that line.

What it is telling me is that I should realise that desire for power and the ability to get it are very different.

What it wants me to know is that I am but an insignificant bug on the ground. And that I should stay that way.

That makes sense. Everytime I look at the sky, or at the stars at night, I look at them and wonder if my existence or disappearance will ever make a dent in this great network.

Look at all those planets and clouds, so far away and so large. And at myself, nothing but a relatively tiny amount of bonded protein and elements.

Sure, I always tell myself that it's the right thing to stand up again and fight. But what is the point? Is this value that I thought of to be part of my natural heart nothing but an element society planted into my mind?

I wish I could find proof. Proof that I want to charge on and grasp my desire for strength. Proof that what I think want is really what I want. I selfishly wish that I had this proof.

I can only feel bitterness and anguish repeating these endless cycles of hope and failure over and over again. Exhausted of forcing myself to repeat this. Exhaused of doing so just because I am told not giving up is the right thing to do, either by society or by myself.

At the same time, this side of people is so fustrating and heart-gripping, yet beautiful and hypnotically wondrous.

Why is it that despite knowing we will never ever win, and knowing that we are just wasting our energy and time, that we continue to suffer and push on? I do not want to simply be told that this is the right thing to do, but I want to know why.