Chapter 71: A Bark

I find it hard to believe I chose to post a new chapter as an activity since I cannot seem to sleep, even though it is this late.

It appears that I have a habit of spending my holidays staying up a little late, and just thinking and wandering about.

Sometimes, or maybe I should say, most of the time, thinking of regrets and troubles I cannot find a way to express in plain words, and that I cannot be bothered to share with even my family and friends. Not even with God if there is one. Because these troubles and regrets are something that I know are only as natural as the rising sun, and should and cannot be neutralised in any way.

It's kind of hard to explain. I guess I can compare it to, perhaps, how you may dislike the sounds of crows in the late noon, but you know it is only natural for them to fly around and sound like they do. And that trying to stop this would bring about nothing good.

Besides such things, I guess my thoughts are also about the future. I feel a litte interested in what is to come, and a little upset that time is passing so quickly. Maybe it is a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant feelings.

But I have no reason to feel worried. Deep down, I know that no matter what may happen, or how I feel, the pasaage of time and events flow down, and just like always, I will carry on walking despite the destination being known.

Blocking or trying to avoid this passage is foolish and only brings about pain and suffering.

The passage is just like a river.

It will always flow, and my only task is give it my all throughout the whole river.

I cannot help but give less than 100%.

I want to, but the things we want and things we know we should do are often different, or at least in my case.

There was a time when as a younger child, I had the ability to be inspired and passionate about everything around me. I could actually be excited in all that I did.

I also believed that in the 90/10 rule.

But as times went by, I realised that in the things I want to do, time and time again, it has been proven that 90% is what is given to you, and 10% is from your own effort.

Ever since then, my spirit is just something that I crudely superglued together in an attempt to piece together again. Only with the illusion and unanswered faith in a bright future.

All these motivational talk conmen... you liars. All they did was sell hope, like a glorified drug.

Another thing I have been thinking about, is how I never seem to gather the will to brutally retaliate.

Often, I threaten, but at the end of the day, I easily forget about it and just let it go.

Maybe I am a bit of a coward, and that my own bark is worse than my bite, and nothing else.

Sigh. It worked. All this writing has made me sleepy.

Until then.