Chapter 121: ... Of All the Nerve

Lost Chapter. Closed.

Chapter 120: What Can I Do But Shut Up

Lost Chapter. Closed.

Chapter 119: I Don't Care

That's it. Simple and clear-cut, I'm not going to talk too much. There is no God, and it's all plain rubbish meant to enslave people, invented by the western community to keep other 'inferior' people in check.

Disclaimer: This is all in my own humble opinion. It might not be accurate. It is bias to at least some extent.

Chapter 118: I'm Throwing Everything In

This is it. I know it is said that I should never test you, but I'm beginning to think I was hoodwinked into all this. Many things do not add up, but I do not care.

This is official. If you exist, show me a miracle, and I'll reconsider everything I have ever thought or said. And I mean a true miracle, that I can not explain on my own in any way possible.

If not, than I can never have a connection with something that cannot trust me that much.

Chapter 117: Convinced

Throughout my FYP, I have been thoroughly convinced of many things. First up, who ever said that maintaining good grades would lead to better work was an idiot, and a liar who ought to be tied down and shot a million times.

Secondly, the same person who came up with the concept of hard work and perseverance probably invented the concept of convincing naive people into slavery.

In summary, it's all bull feces created by slavemaster tyrants.

And there happen to be couple of people whom I would be glad to harm if not for CCTV cameras, laws and an irritating conscience (Another invention by slavedrivers, I'm sure).

Chapter 116: Vortex Bones To Shake Well

And just when I thought I would be doing the same thing throughout my FYP, something new pops out.

A while back, I had subcultured six plates from my collection of isolated fungi, so we could prepare their DNA for identification later on, according to a method used by some company that is supposed to be more efficient than a pulse-field method (science talk), based on the limits of their own database.

What I didn't know is that we were going to do the preparation so soon.

Scraping the plates seemed simple enough on the surface... except my own plates happened to be pretty old, and the older it was, the harder it was scrape it off without breaking the celloplane membrane used. Even to the point of bending the inoculating loop, it still wouldn't budge. Yeast, of which I had one sample of was, was known to be harder to pick up into the loop for a sample than others. Heh. Even at this time, I won't get to catch a break. Oh well.

Vortexing the DNA after cycles of freezing in liquid nitrogen to disrupt the sample structures so as to get the DNA was quite interesting as well. Holding the samples to be vortexed onto the machine for two cycles of five minutes and then twenty minutes had no skill involved, but it sure rattled the old bones. Pain didn't last long either.

That will be all for now.

Chapter 115: Cross Words

Just the evening before, I headed to dinner with the people from NYP Campus Crusaders at Ang Mo Kio, after gym training.

What happened next was chaos in conversation. I cannot quite be sure of how it started, but one thing led to another and everyone soon became lost in translation.

I got involved until I learnt one thing. Keeping quiet in times like this is the best way to get untangled XD . As soon as I did that I got to finish my food easily. I was the last one to arrive, so everyone else was done and were just waiting for me while they chatted.

Lesson of the day. If you do not wish to be included in unwanted things being talked by others (this includes stupid gossip by others who happen to be in the same room), and know that getting involved has no purpose and will just result in disaster, just remember to keep the mouth shut, no matter how tempting it may be to say something. One of the main rules of survival here.

And that concludes it for now.

Chapter 114: If You Didn't Believe Me

When I claimed that NYP Mindsport's Chess Club was full of elitist geeks, let me share a dialouge with you.

Shaun: Is there any training today?

SCL Disgrace Upstart (AKA JerkFace): You Mean Chess?

Shaun: (Yes, you idiot, what else?) Yes

JerkFace: (Playing a computer game on his laptop) It will be in the South Canteen.

Shaun: South Canteen?

JerkFace: (Still playing and looking at the screen the whole time) I mean North. There's no room today (*He means there is no proper clubroom space available)

Shaun: Why?

JerkFace: (Still playing) There's no why. There's just no room.

Shaun: (Feel like slamming his laptop down and smashing his head onto it)

There you go.

I did spend a good deal of time talking with two friends of mine (Vyncent and Nat), mostly of any nonsense we could think of at random for no reason. It went down to talking about firearms and what we would do with a bazzoka if we had one shot. One of the topics was short, and was about driving a vehicle.

On account of keeping people from mistaking me as a genocidal madman, since I was only joking during my answers when we talked, it ended up with both of them agreeing that I should never be given hold of a vehicle to drive, or a firearm of any sort at all costs. I'll leave the rest for guessing. :)

I take my leave for now.

Chapter 113: You Need A New Laptop

... When you have to beg your current one to start up and not shut down at random, think of pounding your fists on it, or start sweet talking or coaxing it, in hopes that it is somewhat sentient enough to hear your pleas. Sometimes even apologizing for any past, slightly violent act or abuse you may have committed to it.

I was looking through some of the merchandise I purchased during the fair held recently, of which most, that is four of which, were books at a singapore dollar each.

I bought a school edition history book based on the British Empire and Commonwealh by George W. Southgate, the revised edition published in 1960, A 1962 school edition of My Early Life, by Winston S. Churchill and my favourite of the lot, Biology for Tropical Schools, Longman 1958, by Stone and Cozen. All hard cover copies. Smelling (No, I did not put my nose to it on purpose) and looking very old. But still readable in good condition.

The biology book still had certain writings of notes put into it by the original user, and has papers with personal notes written on it by the said student who used it once, slotted under the protective cover (Partially why I bought it). But the reason why it's my favourite amongst the ones I acquired is because this sort of biology is rarely taught anymore in universities, and was made at the time when biology knowledge was based on examination of body parts of creatures, rather than mainly on DNA. Very classic methods. Which is also why it's currently out of print, and most likely will remain so. It has got pretty good illustrations of things like parts of plants and the skeleton systems of animals like rats. I realised they did mention evolution and special creation but was very outdated when it came to DNA.

I can't even find the book for sale on the internet other than one copy of the same kind being sold on e-bay (and for Australian 48 dollars too, together with delivery charges at only Australia, what a deal >_<).

Strange as how they were printed in 1950s to early 1960s, and seem to have been used by a student. I can only guess it must have belonged to the elderly man who was selling them. He must have been a university level student at that time of sorts.

I will certainly treasure them though.

Chapter 112: Restarting in 15 Mins To Update

It had been a while since I had last attended a service and listened to a sermon. For couple of reasons, including distance. Mostly the usual tell-tale signs of straying away from a path, but nothing to write here about.

I decided to attend one at Joe's Church, Trinity at Paya Lebar. It was refreshing and renewing. It reminded me of how I had forgotten about God's presence and love, undergoing torment under satan's attacks, leading me to confuse the attacker as God Himself, confused between satan's attacks and God's blessings. I have always been labelled as quiet, 'extra', serious and stern looking, sometimes even scary looking. I just was not the type to smile too much. My thoughs on honour and discipline were a little different from the rest, which made me quite the outcast. That is, to the majority, except for those few whom I exchanged conversations with.

It was warming to know that God was eternal, and that he always saw every creation as perfect.

Today was equally busy, as I opted to help sell animal (?) - shaped and strange unrecognisable sculptures of balloons to children at a fair, later learning how much teenage St. John first aiders have this strange fondness of such things. Good thing too, which got rid of the items we were trying to get rid of by giving out for free later, instead of bursting them right away. Someone even traded away a balloon for an origami, as other store owners were trying to get rid of their stocks at hand, especially foodstuffs.

I knew that boys had a liking to gun and sword-shaped balloons, so I sort of attempted to create two gun-shaped ones (Two since there was a lack of resources by then), which sort of was successful.

I used some of the coupons my father gave me as he had purchased them and forgot about the even until I told him about my going off to work there. There were quite a lot, of which another person used to buy lots of food. Even chocolate, despite the heat. But I guess he had the best of intentions, which was what really mattered.

Looking at the balloon sculptor hired to entertain the kids, I was quite dazzled by not really the balloons, but mainly the professionalism and skills he had in his own field. That was something one could admire. He knew how to entertain them well, using vibrant and rhythmic music, along with well-known cartoon sculptures made, inviting the children up with him. The clown-like costume and make-up he used was quite something too.

I guess that would be all for now.

Chapter 111: @FYP Halfway

Been a while since I started a whole semester of lab. Every morning, I could even recognise the smell of the corridors by heart. It was e-learning week lately, and my dream of empty canteen seats were shattered nevertheless.

Oh well, at least I learnt how comfortable it can be to have both breakfast and lunch, as well as slacking off and rest just sitting outside the lab corridors, with a nice breeze and view from above unless it rains. Since it's usually just me who would dare to do such a thing, it's only one person so no one else, even my technical support officer (TSO) and supervisor seem to mind. I still get occasional glances by people who don't appear there too often enough to recognise the quiet figure there. Sometimes Joseph from level 5, also my current gym trainer (Too stingy to hire an actual professional =P), arrives to autoclave a few items or do some work there would exchange a few words.

Came to be my favourite corner after a while. Since there's a crusade corner, I hereby call it the, er... , fungi guy corner. Apparently, I'm one of the two people working under the fungi specialist supervisor, who happens to spend most of his time in the same lab doing fungi work. Okay, maybe all the time, other than when I'm sitting at the usual corner.

I did come across a biohazard label sticker, and was almost tempted to take it back with me, which would be breaking a lab rule. It reminded me of how I used to collect random stickers when I was four to five years of age. I can't even comprehend what was going on within the head of mine when I still had that hobby.

I guess the latest embarassing moment would be when I was caught mentioning my TSO when wondering if I should arrive late like the others and slack off and figuring out what I would say to him if he ever asked me to go back to work, during a chat with Joe. Until he told me I could say whatever I want to him as he was behind me >_< . Good thing I changed my words to something I actually wanted to ask my TSO sometime, about certain technical details of campaign work.

At autoclave room:

Shaun: Maybe I should see if I can get away with coming at 10 am +, taking a 3 hour lunch break and doing nothing but slack the whole day, just like almost everyone else on the same level, just for once. If Travis asks me why and tries to order me to go back to work, I would just say- "

Joe: Er... you can say whatever you want to him. He's behind you.

Shaun: ( Turns around, shocked, slightly stuttering) Erm, Travis, - (Thinks of something good to say)

Joe: ... You wanted to tell him about how you wanted to come late?

Shaun: No lah, Joseph, such a joker... Don't talk rubbish... (Can't help but laugh and panic inside for a while)

Shaun: Oh, (Changes subject), Travis, I've been meaning to ask you about what I should do after putting the dissolved extracts in the weighed and labelled falcon tubes.

That said, I still came super early as usual the next day... -_- . No guts, have I. No glory either I guess.

Chapter 110: Differences

Just contemplating on differences between older gangsters compared to young ones. Especially after having some interest in the recent attacks. This is mainly based on local gang behaviour.

Such public attacks seem to be mostly done by very young gangsters. They do not seem to have enough brains to understand what it means to be a 'secret' society and love to attract or do not seem to mind getting unnecessary attention, especially on the front pages. They just want to prove themselves in toughness, hoping to be respected and feared. Very reckless, not knowing the consequences of such idiotic acts. More dangerous than senior gangsters in this case.

Senior gangsters are more experienced, and while they will fight for turf and to keep people out of their territories, they try as hard as possible to do it away from the eyes of security, knowing they can never truly win against the government and police. They will still beat people up for not paying up extortion money or loans, though. They are mainly interested in profitable crimes, like smuggling of contraband goods, dealing in illegal drugs, managing illegal betting houses, loan shark business, etc.

Chapter 109: Regarding Enid Blyton

I happened to find a book written by Enid Blyton, a well-known children's book writer and decided to flip through. I recalled reading books such as those from her, but I had neglected such collections quite a couple of years.

At first glance, it consists of very simple yet clear plots, upon which easy-to-read sentences utilising a fairly sizable vocabulary are built around.

That said, it is capable of giving an excellent start on building one's vocabulary. The simple writing style, and yet descriptive enough sentences allows one to exercise their imagination to create images of the events within one's mind. The simple plots helps one to get ideas on what can be written about, should they decide to compose essays of their own for practice. The illustrations are enough to help boost imagination, and yet not too much to prevent one from concentrating too much on them rather than on the words depicting the stories, which should be the main point of focus.

With simplicity kept in mind to keep the eyes of readers glued to the pages, the grammar used is perfect. Great for early readers. I guess I still keep them around as a reminder of times past.

Chapter 108: Christian, I Might Refuse To Be

... If this continues on. In this sense, I refer to the Christians I have come across. The only thing we have in common would be a connection with God. Bear in mind this only applies to the ones whom I have met recently, and do not apply to the general population. I may be wrong, and I am biased to an extent here. Bear in mind this as I write.

To be honest, most of such said people whom I have met seem to be completely incapable of writing or speaking one sentence without the word 'God', 'Faith', 'Satan', 'Sin', 'Christ', and the worst part is, in every response they give seems to have a bible reference as a must-have. Yes, I am pretty sick of it, and that pretty much makes the difference between me and them.

Take yesterday for instance, when I was talking to someone. I wanted to steer his conversation to a more casual one, but he would not shut up about using the phrases 'Joyful this', 'Faith that'. He stopped only when I asked about his hobbies. Finally found a way.

I'll give it straight, It is great that you are this dedicated to God as the center of your life, but you have to understand that there are others around you who may not do so to such an extent, that is, those who do not worship the same 'God'. While it may seem perfectly alright to spray the name of your God to no matter who you encounter, it would be great, out of courtesy and to be considerate, to be more universal in your language unless the person seems to be as bold as you.

Another example would be in scam emails concerning money. If you aren't sure of what religion your potential victim would be, be more universal and not so obnoxious, instead of writing 'God bless you' at the end of the mail and making Islam references, when I clearly did not state that I was a Muslim in my msn profile. Does my name sound Muslim in any way? I would reply back in this manner if not for the fact that I do not want to recieve more of such junk mail (I get an irritating number of 15+ every week, when I never ever reply to either. Can't they get it into their thick head that I'm not a greedy fool like their target victims?).

ALright, I'm done ranting for now.

Chapter 107: FYP So Far

From the past three weeks up until now, I've been going through my Final Year Project. It's not really a final year, since I still have a semester left. Well, kind of, I suppose.

It's not so bad. I think I might be getting used to the techniques. The thing is I'm just extra worried about the sterility and the avoiding of contamination so I can get accurate results. Well, I just have a ways to go, since there is stil much to learn in perfecting my skill and techniques. I just wish I can learn faster. Oh, well. One step at a time, right? As long as I remember that every problem has a solution of it's own. I just have to search for it, and sooner or later, depending on my will, I'll find it somehow.

If I were to be honest, I'm still quite concerned about whether my project will be successful. But there's not much choice, isn't there? Rather than be too worried, I should just be cautious, while taking enough courage to dive into the different work I have to do. There isn't much to that. Nothing more, nothing less.

As long as I walk with God as Enoch did, as an instrument of His will, ready to hear and carry out his commands through His perfect plan, while he provides for me all that I need in this journey. And I hope I can continue follow Him even unto his Kingdom after death, just as Enoch was fortunate enough to do so.

Chapter 106: After All That's Said and Done

That's it. Five examination papers came by and gone, so fast, just like that. Now that these five monster modules are out of the way, these five bumps on the road, a new hurdle appears. My final year project approaches, which I have a certain fear about. For one thing, I have never been too skilled when it comes to practicals and presentations. This module includes a lot of lab work and a final presentation at the end.

Everyday at school will be 8.30 am to 5.30 am, with perhaps one hour lunch break at most. The timings for work may be extended if need be.

Oh, right. If I pass my Marketing for Life Sciences 1 this year, I get to take it's sequel next semester too.

I start going back next monday.

That's all for now.

Chapter 105: Checkgoal

Alright, I still post even within such crucial times, unlike what I had said in the last post. I was taking a break for a while, and thought of a game I haven't played for a while. I stopped going to the Chess Club for a while, mainly because except for one and a half of other people, the rest of the players were mainly arrogant, and very ironically, the sterotypical disgrace I thought rarely existed. Biggest one is the latest head honcho who used to be an ex-captain, did badly and had to complete National Service, and still comes crawling back jobless, but is still able to talk big.

To be honest, I respect them as players, but not them as people.

Hopefully that one and half doesn't get corrupt too, just as most people do within 1/2 a year, as I had experienced.

I learnt the game in an about less than an hour after being taught by a friend a few years ago who convinced me to join the co-curricular club he was in, by the lures of a good air conditioned and comfortable environment, with the teacher in charge promising to deliver as many CCA points as possible.

I'm still learning to improve, but I didn't have any other associates whom I managed to convince to play the game. Mainly because of misconceptions.

And even still now, I'm hearing the same ones again.

First of all, do not generalise all players of this game as nerds. I'll like to point out that this applies not only to chess, but science students.

Second of all, stop with the sterotypes of chess players being smart or good at memorising. Not only is that generalising, but let me give you an example here. I'm lousy at grades, possibly one of the worst students in my school in all history, and I have a terrible memory when it comes to taking note of the names of people I manage to meet only once or twice. And the kind of fool who rambles on this blog and often doesn't listen to his own advice.

There's a lot more other than that.

I enjoy chess because it's a game, just like that soccer most people enjoy so much. It has that intense feeling that is special, quite similar to what people might find in regular physical sport games. And yet, it has it's perks compared to soccer. Soccer and other sports are interesting in the fact that you are using your energy and muscles that makes you stay alert at all times and actually pay attention to what you're doing, making victory and defeat that much stimulating.

But chess is a game that you have to calculate and look further ahead, and there is that feeling where at the end, you get to see who prevails in their calculations and predictions. It forces everyone to be on the alert and to be constantly vigilant. Losing focus can result in your downfall here.

And let's face it, unless the opponent is a sore loser or uncouth, and since the rules are so plain to see and follow, there is hardly any need for penalties or any incident of injury. Well, unless the opponent, outside of the actual playing of the game, decides to throw a king in your eye.

Besides that, you don't need a video to record games. You just need either memory, or a paper to record chess notations down turn by turn. That way, unlike soccer, it's so simple to view past games and relfect whenever you want to.

That's all for now. Until then.

Chapter 104: Before the Last Battle

Before I stop writing on this blog for a while in preparation for what could be the most important semester climax of my course of study, before I get to dive into the third year and the final year project, perhaps I should talk about something I just realised these few days.

I had recently attended a gathering/event organised by members of the Faith Community Baptist Church within the polytechnic itself, based on what is known as "The 40 Days of Faith".

And I have this habit of starting discussions that conflict and debates against the Christian faith. Personally, I blame this on the fact that being a free-thinker before, I have spent more time thinking outside of what is written within the bible scriptures. Being a student of science, who thinks of Facts vs Faith as no contest in the favour of facts, this doesn't help lower my impulse to question their beliefs at all.

And most of the time, it seems to be the same. Our discussions enver end, often going in circles. They'll try to break such circles with the talk of faith, while I defend my point of view with facts. And at the end of the day, all they seem to be able to do is give the usual "I may not have all the answers at the moment, but I'm sure they will come one day when the time is right" speech.

Hmm...

Chapter 103: Two By Two They Went

These creatures we call 'animals' so as to differentiate ourselves from us as 'humans'.

To us, as evident from the words of God, we were being given the duty of managing this Earth and it's inhabitant, including animals, as well as to replenish the Earth (Sadly I have yet to see more of this compared to destruction, but that's another story).

We rear, kill and consume animals. All in ethical and humane ways of course. According to what we mean by ethical, legal and moral.

We use them in our experiments in hopes of ultimately improving our lives of comfort. Once again, all very ethical, legal and moral as to how we defined such terms.

And of course, we humans were supposedly special. We do, of course, posess the holy spirit, unlike the animals, or so we say.

I tend to disagree, however. We can disect a human and an animal, but all we can see is the body, but there is no evidence of the animal not having any holy spirit.

We say the animals cannot have faith in God and thus have no holy spirit. But then again, it is easier for me to say and prove that they can have faith, but not in ways comprehendable by our overglorified, over-boasted, peanut brains (peanut, relative to the all-knowing God).

Let me bring about another human term. It is called bullying. Often, we define bullying as a way of giving one illusion of dominance and mastery by exerting our power over a weaker being.

Now see it this way. If we did not have the power, including the tools and the techniques to do so, could we still exert our mastery over animals and still use them according to how we please? This is assuming the animals have power equal to ours.

There you have it. No matter how much we may say that we have that special holy spirit compared to animals, we cannot do a single thing to them on our own, not unless God performed a miracle.

Holy spirit is hard to proof as to whether animals have it, but power advantage is very solid and visible.

In that case, how are we different from Bullies?

Chapter 102: Father, Saviour and Lord

Very often, when it comes to Christ in the center of our lives, we often emphasis on his role as a saviour and a lord.

But what about as a father?

So far, all that I have learnt is that we must obey, listen and practice the words of God, in order to be truly his child.

However, because of this, I remain skeptical of whether this is all there is to a father and child relation.

First up, all I can do to 'communicate' with this father is to pray and read the bible, and try to unravel the experiences and teachings he hides from us for some reason, perhaps to test us.

But what kind of father would refuse to meet face-to-face with is children and instead turn his back to us for what seems like eternity? If we see his face, we will surely die? What a kind father this is.

Even a father would like to meet his child as soon as he or she is born, no matter how angry he may be.

I have to say his anger management issues seen in the old testament makes him sound very much like a father in that aspect.

It would be nice for a father to actually listen and consider the opinions of others including his children for a change.

How can we ever learn or hold a father-child relation if he keeps his back to us and refuses to discuss and talk with us in non-cryptic ways?

And I would like to be very honest on this. If my father were to see me nothing as a plaything for 'thy pleasure' and that he can dispose me of anytime I want, I would rather wish that I never existed at all. Slaves to God indeed.

And his cruelty towards animals is quite something indeed. Reading the commandments, I keep seeing 'stone the bull to death'. Oh, and his rules of treating servants sure is nice though. If the servant wants to be with his family instead of living, let's do something to his ear which sounds quite painful in my opinion.

And it really is courteous to smash and defile sacred property of others without permission, and ostracize ourselves from non-believers. That's racial harmony and respect for the property of others for you, coming from the bible itself, which is supposed to be God's words.

Let's see here. At least a few commandments end up with putting someone to death or burning them with fire.

Nice one. Anyone caught working on one single day of the week, which is the holy sabbath, must be put to death. Even if he needs to work to support a dying family. How thoughtful and considerate of Him.

I'm sry, but just all this is starting to make me reconsider following this 'King' of ours.

I'm beginning to consider dropping out of Christ's followers.

Chapter 101: Everything I Have

After everything that has happened so far, there is so much that I want to say in today's entry. I'm going to let out everything now.

About a few days ago, a worker at CCC heard about how I could participate in Buddhist Society activities and yet lead a Christian life, since he once said that their beliefs contradicted each other. I told him about this since I said that I had joined the YOG Flash Mob training as part of their training.

Let me focus on the reason why I joined in the first place. Believe it or not, at first, I had absolutely no intention of joining in some ridiculous actions and movements while shouting a cheer that would remove every shred of dignity I had left. I just didn't run that way.

But according to what I heard, BS was in terrible trouble if they could not find enough people to fill the quota required, and they were far behind. The threat was to be disbanded so as to make room for other CCAs to become official. It was not the making more room, as I felt they had their point there.

What I was infuriated at was that this was sounding more and more like they wanted to do this for the sake of doing so for some obnoxious political agenda rather than to uphold the true sportsman spirit and pride of Singapore.

I was even more so knowing full well I did not have the power needed to stop them.

But I could only do the next best thing by joining.

True, my joining still left them short of people. But just because I am weak and cannot fully produce a solution to solve the problem, doesn't mean I have an excuse to stand by. I'm sure that, Buddhist Society or not, the Lord would command me to assist my fellow men rather than remain idle.

When it comes to the issue the CCC member mentioned, let me put it this way. I am not entirely sure if this is what society wants, but when I first joined these groups, my first thought was to learn and understand about the different people around. You can read all the religious books in the world, but they won't help you a bit in truly understanding. These books were printed in perspective, and such knowledge is not used to it's full potential without the input of experience.

The commandments mentioned obeying only the true lord. But Buddha was never a God. He was, in fact, a teacher. Although I merely joined to witness their ways first hand, this does not mean that I entirely approve of their ideals. The way I see it, I am simply looking at his teachings, that is, I am listening to his opinions.

"Do not lean on your own understanding". Of course, I will remain faithful to the Lord and listen as well as carry out his commands, but let me ask you this. Anyone of you who wishes to question my actions.

"Why not" Whenever we discuss a topic, even something as sensitive as religion, we like to stay true to our opinions, and voice them out. Let's face it, we choosed to follow Christ based on our own free will, opinions, and attitude. The choice to make the first step stemmed from a the results of a process shaped by our own perspective.

However, the way I see it, it is also good to listen to the opinions of others, while giving ours, and this is what we call discussion. Communication. An actual exchange of what is stored up there is our minds.

And what better way is there to do so other than combining both knowledge we acquired through books and witnessing the activities and beliefs of others?

If there is one thing I wish to do more than just read the bible, I want to communicate with Him. For that reason, I have always preferred combining bible reading with prayers. So we could actually hold a discussion.

Chapter 100: No Truth, No Tome

Whew. The 100th chapter, huh? When I first started this blog as a way to past time early last year, I never thought I would write seriously and enough to go beyond 70 chapters.

Time for a review, I suppose.

Looking back at early posts made, most of them were pretty rough, undeveloped, immature and written with limited knowledge and understanding of what to write within this blog. Most of it sounded like mindless scribbles on a nursery notebook, and probably still does, albeit not as much as it used to.

But, frankly, I may be a little... okay, very much, embarrassed by what I wrote before. But, I refuse to delete them, because I also quite fond of keeping this blog to remind me of how much has changed or happened, including my views of the places and people around me.

And no matter how many times I can rewind the passage of time, or try as much as I can, I will never create the same memories that I have right now, and that's just how special they are to me. I said special, but I never said anything about pleasant.

I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Here's to another 900 more chapters.

And it's great knowing that the common tests are over for now, but the aftermath is not too pretty. Two reports and one assignment.

Chapter 99: Right or Wrong

Very often, we find ourselves asking, 'What Should I Be Doing?'. There is the common element of needing to differentiate between right and wrong here.

From what I have found out, a lot of people use different ways to do so.

In Christianity, from what I can tell, right and wrong is based on the words of God himself. For example, through holy scriptures. But the question I would have is how God tells right from wrong. Then again, the fact that God may be the one who defined right and wrong, being the creator of all things contradicts the elements within my question.

In buddhism, it seems that right and wrong is based on whether the actions and thoughts are rooted in negative aspects such as greed and selfishness. But the question again, is how and who defines such aspects, and whether they can prove that their words are absolute.

Certain people say that they base right and wrong on their emotions, while others say they base it on their visions of logic. SOme say that they use a combination of both.

For me, I do not believe in the concepts of right and wrong. What is right, in terms of what I do, I base it on my surroundings and how people act. As they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do".

But that is not all. I also factor in what I should do based on what objectives I want, based purely on will, whether the objectives will result in unnecessary harm, and if it does result in harm, it must be justified by benefits to objects and people involved.

And I have to say, most of these ideals and beliefs I base my decision on is what I am comfortable with, and what kind of environment I had based my education and growth on, and what kind of influences I may have come across.

I cannot promise a true unbiased decision.

No one can truly draw the line between right and wrong, is a conclusion I can come to for now.

Chapter 98: Welcome to 5040

About two days ago, I had one of the strangest dreams. It was just like any other day, when you hear people talking about what the future might bring, and about their hopes and dreams, the usual conversations.

The next day, I somehow found myself in a strange place.

There were a lot of slums and factories, and a lot of debris around. People were either staying in groups together in one place, looking at passer-bys suspiciously, while some people, supposedly working there, often fought and scrambled for what little currency they could find. These currencies were strangely-shaped. Some were in the form of pill-like structures, while some were shaped like small pieces of chalk. Being new here, I took some currency for safety measure (Okay, it may seem like stealing, but this was for survival reasons).

I then decided to go to the train station to see where I was. It turns out I was in Singapore, and the train station really looked different. The lines were so complicated and certain stations I used to know of were gone, while new ones I had never heard of were there. From what little currency I had, I purchased a ticket heading for Yio Chu Kang Station, to head for the only place I could think of where I could probably find people I knew of.

Along the way, a person was caught stealing a wallet. He was caught immediately and assigned to stay in a prison-like cabin within the train until further judgement.

I reached Nanyang Polytechnic. The building looked a little larger, albeit a little familar. While there, I recognised certain people. In fact, they looked exactly like they did, as I knew them. They did not seem to recognise me at all. Looking at a calender nearby, I saw the year 5040, believe it or not.

The most interesting thing was that none of these people whom I knew seemed to not have aged since 3030 years ago. Or maybe they simply looked familar. Way too familar!

There was an election about to come as well, as seen from certain posters. But no one seemed too happy about it. It seemed that someone really iron-fisted and tryannic was in charged of the place.

Before I could find out more, I woke up.

What a strange dream. This was like something out of a bad science fiction novel.

Oh well.

Chapter 97: Really, The Closest I Have Ever Got To

Harming crabs is eating just plain fried buns meant to go with a certain crab dish (Can't take chilli, and that was at least a couple of months ago) and that extra rare, very-hard-to-find soft-shell crab (I mean, how many times do I ever get across such a rare dish? And that was a few weeks ago).

But afterwards, I will probably refrain from having anything to do with crabs for a long time to come. Meaning after that little trip to the Rocky Beach off Changi Boardwalk to release around six boxes of live crabs as part of an animal liberation act.

But honestly, that place was not a very good choice, and maybe I should have told them, but by then it was too late. Changi seasides are best known for being fishing spots for live seafood. With all my heart, I can only wait and hope that those crabs will never be caught again.

Although it would be amusing if those fishermen decided to go diving barefeet at that time. Okay, not so, but rather evil of me since crab-induced wounds are also known to possibly lead to infection by flesh-eating bacteria, very likely leading to amputation of infected areas or death.

Thankfully, that area is not so well known as a swimming spot. Whoever decides to, however, I can only wish luck for that random stranger and that that unfortunate, potential victim happens to be using heavy duty armour or protection of some kind.

It sure was one day to remember though. Constant wrestling matches with the legs and pincers of the crabs while trying to cut them loose reminded me of what fiesty creatures these can be.

I do have my worries though.

For one thing, the balance of the eco-system. For another, being grown in artificial environments of farms, that they can adapt quickly to and survive in natural environments.

Sigh, it is but less than a week to another series of meaningless battles. Battles that everyone is forced to fight with their hardest. Only difference is that it is truly meaningless to me since there is hardly any benefit of my doing so other than to survive to the next level. But, I suppose, all this while, survival is equivalent to victory for me.

I have not seen the 'evils' of the world. All I have seen is merely the truth.

Chapter 96: A Thousand Words

Thinking back, I have this habit of never using pictures for this blogsite. I guess it's just part of my own personal code in writing here.

Besides the fact that this functions as my notepad rather than a sketchpad, I never quite enjoyed or fully appreciated the concept of taking pictures.

Typically, when tourists come to look at displays or areas of interest, rather than take their time to enjoy the present using their five senses, they choose to immediately snap a photograph.

This photograph functions as something for people to look at after their trip.

But often, when taking photographs, we forget to take our time to actually experience the whole thing fully and first hand. In that case, I feel that the point of the whole trip was wasted. If that is all you wanted to do, why not just practice photography at home and look for pictures on books and the internet?

I think, perhaps, I would rather focus on saving the experience as a memory within me that I can still feel the power of my five senses whenever I think of those times.

And the words I use here are an extension of what I have observed.

Until then.

Chapter 95: Time to Transcend Infinity

Whenever I have to reflect, I realise that everyone has limits within their current knowledge of this world.

This may sound strange, but somehow, I feel that the world can be infinite. It seems to be growing everyday, not just in terms of time and space, but in the people and their movements. In this way, it seems almost impossible to comprehend this every growing database of the universe.

If there was an archive for the histories of the world, I believe it would not only be large beyond comprehension, but also growing without limit. Slow, perhaps, but without limit.

So if I, as well as others, were to stay within our circles of comfort and safety without summing up the courage to venture beyond and trudging on with that great journey, we would be missing out on a lot.

There is a whole endless road out there for us to explore. It is just a matter of being up to it.

True, certain things may seem dangerous and fearful, and we may not want to accept things that we cannot perceive comfortably and accomodate into the realities we know, but through taking the initiatives and attitude towards journeying into this huge world of ours, can we ever make our life meaningful and fruitful. If we refuse to enhance our growth and development in mind and spirit, than what use is this gift known as life?

Still don't believe me? Well, I suppose I have my own story to tell you.

For a long time, I had limited knowledge on the people within the campus. I used to think of all of them as selfish hypocrites with ignorant, naive ideals, refusing to acknowledge the comfortable unknown, but instead choosing to cover up and justify their actions and beliefs with 'noble' sounding excuses just to make them feel good and sooth the guilt.

Dragging chairs instead of lifting (utterly lazy and noisy), switching on laptops during lectures, smoking with public toilets, using 'colourful' words in their everyday conversations, burping outloud thinking it's funny and great, noisy beyond comparison in libraries, occsionally singing outloud and yelling in lifts when in a clique, having mentalities of taking lifts down and then going up (NYPians will know what I mean), bumping into others and just walking off without a word, having egos beyond comprehension, etc.

I had especially limited knowledge on Christianity, and probably still have.

But Singapore is a country with multiple backgrounds and religions, and to live in such a place, we have to be willing to learn and accept the various differences.

If I refused to learn more, I would only be judging by what I saw on the surface, shaped and modified by by my own biased perspective.

Well, I suppose it all began when I decided (I don't know what got into me) to step up to the Campus Crusade for Christ booth for the CCA open house at NYP 2010.

Honestly, I am not even sure I remember why despite being a non-Christian and non-believer for so long, I actually did that.

Soon, I begun attending various P.D.As one after another as an attempt to learn more about my fellow students who held such beliefs.

I saw no harm in it, and since it seem like a good way to spend time, I continued coming anyway, and joined a Disciple Group for that same reason. I started off with a blank, clean slate of an attitude and was determined to learn more from them.

Sometimes, I spent time talking to the members of that organisation.

I found that I had been mistaken.

And therefore, I had never regretted my decision on stepping up that day.

Indeed, I had nothing to lose, and through my experience, I learnt more about other students within the campus, includng their various individual thoughts and stories. Stories that I can take with me in my memories when I finally graduate.

The world is without limits. To transcend infinity? It's your choice.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." - Morpheus, The Matrix (1999)

Until then.

Chapter 94: Forget Those Not

Forgive and forget seems to be a cliche phrase. And I view it as yet another naive idea, along with the idea of erasing the past.

Yes, it is true that I can forgive, but I find it rather foolish to forget.

It seems the habit is to sweep the past under the rug and then forget it all.

But never forget, the time of time is constant and cannot be broken. The past will always exist.

During the daytime, you cannot see the moon. But you know that it does exist And in the evening, although it may seem invisible to mortal eyes, the sun does exist.

Even though you cannot see it, no matter how much it waxes and wanes, the dark side of the moon will always exist.

The past is the same. You might not be able to see it, or choose to ignore it, but it will always exist. It cannot be changed nor erased. Rather than avoid, it might be more practical to accept it in a way that is beneificial to you.

Speaking of ideals, I visited the funeral of one of my two favourite Aunts from my Mother's side just a few days ago.

Which made me ponder, on what the term 'death' is used on.

The way I see it, we often use death to describe the physical structure of the subject when all its functions that relate to life, such as the ability to respond to stimuli, cease, and the body begins to decompose.

But is that really it?

I suppose the reason why people find it hard to part with the physical body is because it is the ultimate proof and source of the person's life, one with which you can interact with and get a response that comforts you.

However, I feel that a person's 'life' extends beyond his physical structure representing him, especially if 'life' means that the person exists in an observable form that does not involved degradation.

When a person 'dies', he leaves behind extensions of himself or herself, through contributions made that affect the world and its inhabitants, and through the family left behind, as well as the memories which always exist through the flow of time.

Therefore, even though I may not have met her for over ten years, I still remember and cherish the memories with her that I hold. And in that sense, she is very much alive to me.

I know nothing of the soul, spirit, or anything beyond the physical world, but these extensions of a person's life are what I have truly experienced and know.

Perhaps the meaning of life is nothing if death does not exist. We often contrast the two to tell the difference, after all.

Ultimately, since humans first came up with the terms 'life' and 'death', giving birth to names for such concepts, it is up to them to decide how to use such terms.

Chapter 93: Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

How often have you heard people say that they would like to change everything and turn back time if they could? I would wager that you have heard it often enough.

Well, it may seem quite tempting, but upon further thought, even if I could do so, given such incredible power, I would not.

The past is not a very appealing thing to think of.

When I think of times that I could have done, and things that have turned to a place where I can never reach, all because I made cowardly decisions, it hurts badly.

When I think of the silly and immature things I did back then, it hurts too.

And being reminded of it all by those observable changes in the present and impending future do not help at all.

And, of course, often the good memories are overruned by the bad ones.

But instead of labelling everything as good and bad, black and white, I would like to categorise them all under one happy roof. No matter what they are, they are the truth that will stand it's ground forever.

And the truth form memories that shape my experience. And this is experience that I would never trade away for anything in the world, for it is part of me.

It may be painful, happy or fearful, but these memories are the greatest and most unique gifts that I can never get again if I discarded them.

So, why would I want to go and change the past for?

Chapter 92: Path of Rampage

I think, at last, all my ties to the past have already been cut, once and for all.

Coupled with the fact that I have extreme distaste for the current status of human nature, I am free to have a disregard for everything except the path I have to walk.

And I do not make my decision blindly either.

You may ask me to be proud of humanity. But instead of that, I would be willing to hear reasons why I should be.

You might say selflessness is a possible innate quality in people. In actual fact, this is just the opposite.

All living organisms, from the smallest of bacteria to humans, have the innate instinct to group together with the same kind and expand our numbers, while in the process decreasing that of others.

Humans are worse, as they have the mentality that they are superior in terms of intelligence to everyone else, and thus feel the need to satisfy their illusions of greatness over every other creature.

Take a look at how we enslave animals as a way of preservation, just because we think only we can truly take care of ourselves, and that we must remain the masters who govern the fate of other organisms.

The reason for this instinct, is because all creatures tend to fear what they cannot comfortably perceive, which is anything that they cannot accomodate into their comfort zones of well being and formed reality, and choose to ignore it and wait. This accomodation, or when they find excuses to cover up their actions in some crude justification, is what we often call 'understanding'.

Being 'superior', humans despise what they cannot have any amount of control over.

Preservation? For the greater good? To keep for future studies? Please. These are but excuses to make their actions of arrogant seem worth it, and to make them feel better.

So I suppose tigers and other organisms are not allowed to experiment with humans and cage them for studies? Or is this simply what a bully would do? Try to control every little thing they see, and ignore or sulk about what they cannot?

In train stations, children rush for seats, while parents help to fight for such comfort, all for the well being of their own kind or own self. This is another demonstration of their need for self-preservation.

And even now, I will wager that whatever I may have said here, I say this to anyone I know, they will just be shrug it off as delusional and unrealistic. All except one or two. But I cannot blame them. After all, this is to be expected, from experiences that I may have gone through.

Chapter 91: In His Company

True, no one is really around to share the experience and pain with. At least, no one who fully understands me.

I do notexpect them to try to. It is, after all, seemingly impossible for them to do so. How can I do so? Our perceptions and wills are different and unique.

Seeing is believing, after all. Whatever I experience and perceive, and if there is nothing I can do to change anything, I will simply let it be and absorb it into my will.

Whatever happens, as the flow of passage permits, I will stand there and take it all.

However, no one may understand me, but I know I am never alone.

Even when no one is around, no matter where I go, I am never by myself.

I may not be fully ready to take in his complete existence, but if The Lord does exist, then I need not be in solitude at all.

Everything may seem as harsh and cold as winter's winds, but all I have to do it look around.

Every blade of grass I see, every cloud I see in the skys, and even the trees... everything is a marvellous creation of his.

It is evidence, and a promise of his that he will never abandon me. The holy spirit resonates, and it is a gift from him.

Therefore, how can I be alone?

I do not care if he is almighty or not, or even when he lacks limitless power.

He is a friend who will never abandon our side, and that is enough to tide me through.

I cannot careless if he does rise again or not.

He is always around, and that is enough to chase away the biting winds.

Whether he rises or not, it will never matter, for to me, he is always near us.

Chapter 90: Season's Edge

I tried fighting against the majority for a change. Not that I would actually win for sure, but just for a change of pace. As simple as that. Instead of the norm, which included being supressed by the will of those who gather together, I thought it might be a nice change, and maybe a bit of an amusement for this tired spirit, to do so.

It was a nice change. But it really burnt me.

But some things just seem to affect my will. I welcome it, but at the same time, I hate the fickle hand of chronos.

I used to firmly believe that there is no right or wrong in this world. The so called 'justice' belongs to the strongest faction. The strength of people, and also dependant on how many have band together.

Power decides everything, and anything that says otherwise was nothing but an reminder of how people refuse to face the truth, and instead foolishly cling onto their naive ideals within their safety circle of comfort.

Maybe it was just the people whom I had come across that shaped such a will and reasoning.

Even after that small incident, few people actually wanted to make peace.

Even when I gave my thoughts out to those within a small discussion group, full of people whom I had just met in a club, there were people who disagreed and offered to show that I was wrong in that.

I cannot seem to decide.

I cannot decide between disregarding such actions as an extension of naive thoughts, or whether I was truly wrong and should rethink my ways.

This isn't quite like me. To me, I used to think that each decision was easy to make and that time would flow to completion no matter what.

That the flow of events and time would always exist unhindered.

What has happened to me? And to my will which I had faith in being unbreakable.

Chapter 89: Happy Meal

What is happiness to you? Quite an interesting question. I wonder how I can answer such a question.

To me, I guess happiness occurs when you put in all your vigour and energy into something you have never really tried before, and eventually you gain so much satisfaction, amusement, and discover things you never knew existed before, that you forget all the troubles and pain of the world you used to see.

Chapter 88: Close-Minded, Self-Righteous Hypocrites

I hate the word aethism or freethinkers. I detest the word blasphemy.

So, any form of open deniance to your master deities is blasphemy, is it?

And I guess using an insulting word like aethism to describe those who choose to live lifes with their own logic and control, and free will that everyone has a right to, is not blashphemy at all, and unlike blashphemy, is not an offence.

Instead of aethist, I personally prefer the term 'human', since as far as I am concerned, no one started declaring themselves as slaves or servants when early humans first appeared.

As as far as I know, 3.8 billion years ago, or when the earth was first formed, religions was a term unheard of.

Yet, most people choose to verbally attack 'freethinkers' and see them as aliens or foreigners with evil intentions or narrow minds.

Let us go back to the word narrow minded. When someone has enough free will to think on their own, I suppose in their context, that is being narrow minded?

I am insulted, and disgusted at this sickening world.

Chapter 87: Standalone System

Here you are, claiming that becoming a slave to God (yes, those were their exact words) and submitting everything to a being whom I consider to be a metaphorical idea that does good in giving people a ste of backbone and values to grow their lifestyle about, when I have problems of my own, including my reluctance to accept this as a real, actual being.

All they wanted was blind faith, and they hardly answered any of my questions, but instead raised more, and increased my skepticism. It seemed to me, that all they were trying to say, in summary, was that blindly pledging your allegiance to Christ's holy king and master would add value to life, and show the answers to questions I prefer to know the answers to first before I jump straight into anything.

Further more, I remain skeptical of the claim that the founder had an actual conversation with an out-of-this-metaphysical-world entity.

In short, no way. Not until I get a good reason to do so, or at the very least, when my questions are answered, concerning the basics of what I am getting myself into.

That's not too much of me to ask, is it?

Fairness is an artificial illusion. Sins are never measured with balance. There are bound to be people destined to walk and stand alone. Those who have no common grounds or past cannot get along. This is the law of nature. Even the tiniest cells stick together if similar, dying in shock if a new type of cell is added into the same environment.

Why would you run your hardest forever if the destination remains the same all throughout?

If you wish to run forever, let me ask this of you. How long is forever?

A path in which the destination is unknown is a foolish one to walk.

If you want to spread your words, then before you call me a cowardly loser, put your money where your mouth is and walk the same path as mine.

If this is the law of nature, I would rather see everything destroyed. If I could be assured of this destruction, I would cheerfully accept my own.

Let everything be cleansed away for good.

How long would you deny this and torture your soul, thinking eventually it will be better?

A cycle of chaos. Never truly up or down.

Ask yourself. How long is eventually, and when is someday?

An unproven hypothesis is all you would have achieved with this.

Chapter 86: Just Because I Must

Lecturers and students looking upon me as a failure of an outcast in spite of what I have done. And yet, only a few trusted friends and those who in charge of my case know the truth.

And yet, simply because I must, I have to take in silence as a payment for a sin that others have committed over and over again. What I would not give to join their ranks instead.

I cannot fail. I cannot falter. Failure is literally not an option that is to be tolerated. Until the end. For one and a half year, this is a promise I have kept.

I must be cautious and never rest. And yet, I am fated to meet the same end as those who are not.

I must reach and grasp for something that will never be there, forever and ever.

It hurts and gets worse deep within, and yet my efforts to take it in stride and work to relieve it will never succeed, ever.

Never a real identity among them. Just a shadowy reflection of what they are, and of what I once was.

It is not possible to be truly accepted by those whom you have never shared a common past with. Those false smiles and passing 'hellos'. The assumptions of lecturers that we have our established cliques. And to take it all in silence as the one and only minority out of the general public. It sickens me to the core. And yet, I have to take it in silence as the ultimate payment.

Those who say otherwise are not me. And if you can show someone who has gone through the same and can say so, I will very gladly take back my words in relieve and believe in such a small hope of being wrong.

Those who say that never giving up is the key to success are those I detest. Hypocrites who have no idea and yet speak of such gibberish.

It sickens me. I would gladly welcome the destruction of everything. But I would not say so.

A peer. Huh. I do not have a peer, if it is a person whom you can relate to.

Let it all end, and with it, all that I despise.

Chapter 84: The Mission

I had better finish the assignment soon...

But I still remember the day I heard of it.

Script writing time.

Time: Early Thursday Morning

Handphone: Ring Ring~

Myself: (Thinking) Five more minutes... and then I'll call back. It's probably not important, most likely some telemarketer or salesmen spam. Who calls at this time of the day anyway? Besides, if it's important, I can always pretend my phone was on silent mode. Heh heh.

1 hour Later

handphone: Ring Ring Ring~

Myself: (Thinking) Again? Alright, alright, you win a medal for making me grumpy in the morning, and that also means I should probably get up. Very likely to be worth my time if it rings that much. No telemarketer can possibly be that single-minded.

After getting up and calling back...

Myself: O_O 6550? NYP line? Oh boy... Better call back. If they ask, I can still counter using the silent mode excuse.

Fortunately, they didn't ask why I did not reply for two calls. Turns out it was about the assignment. >_>

Chapter 84: Codes Of All Kinds

Well, it wasn't too bad. The first day of the semester, that is. Introduction week, quick, short and simple. Oh, and do or die... okay, I might be stretching this a little, do or take the full course module, assignment. There wasn't any practical, as typical for the first week, but I still had to see Mr AK to discuss my future plans for the rest of the course.

So, with 3 hours left, I decided to read a bit of my overdued (I'll return it soon and pay, not to worry) copy of the 'Da Vinci Code'. I wanted to see what was so special about it. Pretty good and kept me a little occupied.

I didn't care much for the story, but I have always been interested in artifacts and legends, especially those based on Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity. The wandering jew, the legend of the prophet (Allah's representitive), the spear of destiny, the miracle of Fatimah, etc...

I also had a bit of interest in demonology, the titles and special properties, and summoning conditions and requirements of special ones (No, I'm just interested in researching, I'm not blasphemous enough to even mention actually doing so without shuddering at least a few times).

Angels and their creation and purpose piques my interest a little too, especially stories of their strength, both in might and spiritual.

But I had to wonder about this when I read the book.

It mentioned that Christianity had done wonders for the world despite the blashemy the book talked about, and I had to agree.

But upon the idea of the religion, I was thinking...

!!!!!Do not read beyond here if you are significantly sensitive to ideas that go against the Vatican or Christianity!!!!!

If there was a creator... who was almighty... who are we to say if he really represents good? What if he might have represented what he call evil?

I wonder if there is proof that he was the embodiment of good.

And before we can even do it... Does evil and good exist? And who has the right to define these two values?

If humans are imperfect, then how can we perfectly distinguish good and evil?

Chapter 83: Justice

A man who killed in revenge over everything that he had lost. An execution awaits him.

Do we know the full story? Have we seen it his way as well?

His eyes gaze over those who around the execution grounds. The saddest eyes.

'Justice', they cry out.

'This is a most heinous deed that I would not have committed if I were in his shoes', so they claim.

Are they sure they are not saying this just to make themselves feel good? And have they considered everything from all points before making a decision?

Maybe. Maybe not.

To avoid a biase decision, a group of people are gathered to discuss before coming to a conclusion.

This cannot be denied. It is difficult to have everyone's view before making a decision. That is understood.

But this does not escape my point of today. Those who have the power make the rules.

Chosen at random, and with fairness, you say? I have to laugh at this. Nothing is truly random. Every force, both physical and mental at work eventually equate to a decision. I find it hard to believe in the concept of random.

Further more, who makes the rules? Humans. Humans making rules for other humans like them. If one's heart is imperfect and impure in some way, as well as biased to some point, then how can the same kind of person make perfect laws?

How is it possible for an imperfect being to create and administer something perfect?

This kind of 'justice', feels like an illusion meant to present the vision of peace.

Rather than justice, I would call these rules the thoughts of those who have the most power.

Justice is blind... but those in power do not seem to be carrying guiding sticks.

Chapter 82: Ends Justifying Means

Looking at my desk, I spot a dvd my father lent to me. It is called 'Battle of Britain', which sadly, I have yet to watch.

Maybe I will watch it in the afternoon, since it's a weekend when that I plan to spend staying at home anyway. It is a small tradition of mine, to spend the last weekend of the holidays preparing myself for the next semester, both mentally and through preparing the necessary materials.

I remember when my father mentioned Admiral Yamamoto, who was weary of America's strength during the second World War, both industrially and in terms of military and political might. He knew that it was a mistake to attack them at that time.

When he claimed that President Roosevelt's order of killing the Admiral outside battle grounds was an act of murder, I had a few thoughts on that view.

Personally, I do not hold it against the ex-president. As a matter of fact, I think it was the right decision. They had information on where he would be, and how he would be relatively unprotected. If they had not killed him there and now, that opportunity would be lost, and in return, he might return to command in battle and be reponsible for the lives of his own soldiers.

Maybe there might have been a loss of honour... But weighing that against the value of lives and his duty to protect them... Maybe I would have done the same thing as well.

Chapter 81: Clearance

Just a few days left. But I think I know the answer. I know exactly what I want to do, but I was just afraid of failing again like I did countless times.

Maybe it is a failure, but even I do not succeed, then I will make the next best move. I can still salvage what I can. Even though I may never succeed, at least I know I have gained some experience, and have improved further, albeit by a little bit. And I can keep at this until the final end. Perhaps I won't succeed today, or even tomorrow, but I know that the truth will all be revealed at the end.

The next move would be to keep an unwavering mind, and to have absolute faith in the end.

Chapter 80: This Grayish World

Do not take this the wrong way, but I am not sure if this is the right way to express my thoughts. I feel tired of 'living' in this world. No, not in a suicidal sense. This is different.

I grow weary of moving like a gear in this colourless world, chained down by earthly obligations, unspoken promises and unwritten rules. Maybe it is just me, but I want to find a way to believe that life is worth living it's fullest. That there is a reason for me to drive through with all my might.

Instead of wondering through the standard path that is in clear view, though feeling lost for a reason that has no reason of it's own for existing.

Lost in a place where the lines that used to separate places seem to blur, and yet I know this blurring is the real thing.

There is no clear line at all. There is no absolute truth. Can you see what another person is seeing? There is no ultimate justice. Those who have the power make the rules.

If it's an open ended road... than I guess this way is more exciting in a way. But this make getting lost easy.

Chapter 79: Special Lesson On Tactical Retreats

Time for a new chapter in the Tome of Truth. And today is a special one that focuses on the finer points of the art of tactical retreats.

We all know that tactical retreats are very important most of the time, as they allow us to regroup and re-strategise in case of emergencies. Going head on using the same tactics when you are obviously in a bad situation is almost suicidal.

However, I would like to focus on examples of when to make a tactical retreat in life... or sometimes pretend to call it such but actually escape to safety permamently.

These are examples from my previous experience.

Situation 1. When anyone calls you by your full name, you know it's often not a good thing. And in other situations, such as when you get a call, most likely an irritating telemarketer, just feel free to slam it down. Or speak in a foreign language they probably won't understand.

Situation 2. When an unknown stranger, most likely a salesman, and very often an insurance agent says that they want to make a deal or compromise, or when they 'guarantee' that you are getting the best in life. Do not believe them at all.

Situation 3. When someone you aren't too close to starts to act all friendly and smiles. This also very much applies to insurance agents.

Until then.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 78: Certainty

So a new semester starts in less than two weeks time from here. No big deal. Been here, done that.

But what have I got to show for it? I have neither disappointment in the ending of the holidays, nor do I have excitement towards a so-called new start. I cannot even define my true feelings towards this. It's simply a blur of fear of the unknown future, and yet I feel no fear towards moving on to the inevitable future. Maybe I have grown weary of trying to slow the future down, or that I have understood thatt moving forward is all that is to be done.

Uncertainty clouds the future ahead, and steadily, we trudge on.

Thinking back, there was a time when I got excited by this element of uncertainty. It once inspired me to put all my heart and soul into charging towards it with everything I had.

I cannot say that I am sure of my capability of putting that much passion and inspiration, but I am ceratin about one thing.

I can only keep moving forward, and I will put everything I have got to the best of my judgement to the test.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 77: Grammar Makes My Head Spin

I came across a rule known as 'the i before e rule, except after c', and I had no clue as to how to use it or what it meant. In fact, I have to admit that when it comes to grammar rules and terms such as adjectives and who-knows-what, I never bothered ro memories since I found that they simply made me more confused.

According to my mother who I had asked after dinner, this rule applies to words like deceit, perceive, receive and maybe a few others I cannot think of at the moment.

And when I said confusing, this applies to this particular rule as well. Maybe it is more of a personal thing, but I feel more comfortable and at ease when writing without forcing myself to think of all these rules and terms people have made in attempts to make life easier.

I guess this might have to with the way I grew up using this language. I trained my command over it through speaking and reading on a daily basis. In fact, I think I picked the habit of visiting bookstores and libraries up from my father.

I still need to work on my grammar, but for now, reading, writing and speaking the language on a daily basis serves as my favourite way to training my command over it.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 76: Perhaps Hypocritism Isn't Such A Bad Thing

Once, I received a very insulting message from some stranger coward quite recently. Maybe around two weeks ago. I hate people who think they know people so well, but are ignorant of the fact that nobody knows everything in the world. But I harbour more hatred to cowards who lack the guts to confront me head on.

In fact, although I wouldn't do it, the first thought that came to me was breaking the fingers of whoever did this so they could never use them again. I was even toying with the idea of waiting patiently until that time.

That is, until a friend told me to cool down and forget about such people.

A few days later, the same friend got into the same state of hatred and anger towards a liar.

At first, I was a little amused by how quickly one can forget what they taught others, by just a simple fit of anger.

But then I realised that, perhaps this is what strangely connects people together. No one is perfectly strong on their own and will lose their stability in situations. But with the way people help to remind each other to keep their cool, and support each other, in this way, they share a connection. And maybe this is what connects everyone together.

Just maybe.

Chapter 75: Maybe The Sun Has Lifted A Little

I guess I've come to realised that blogging is quite a pleasant activity. I seem to actually like writing on it, seeing how I've written quite frequently these days. I don't really feel that grouchy, nor do I feel that the world seems so dark and cloudy these days. Maybe the sunlight's coming through afterall.

Or most likely, I seem to feel better by posting instead of keeping everything silent within me. Writing kind of helps me to reflect as those words come out from me into physical form.

Not completely ready for things ahead of me, but I certainly feel a little better than before, and I see that as a good thing, and perhaps a sign that I should do this more often.

After all, I still remember that writing was one of my favourite activities even twelve to thirteen years back.

Not that I was any good at it, but I liked it as a hobby, and to me, that was all that really mattered. Happiness that I could find there was the prize that I kept my eyes on.

And I guess I probably still do. Maybe it's just a guess, but it's better than nothing. One step forward, at the very least.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 74: Nightmares Stay So

I must say, this is one of the few times I actually want to post twice on the same day.

Has anyone ever had this feeling before? Where you wake up from a nightmare and then feel a huge relieve and gladness that it stayed as a nightmare, and that you were still safe, lying in bed. I have. But this has it's own counterpart, where I would feel really disappointed if my dream remained one once I woke up. Both experiences happened once each over the course of my recent semester holidays.

Let's go over the bad part first. I once dreamt of getting the semester results I dreamt for and even dreamt that I saw them online. Which, of course was not possible since it was still so early. But it felt very real. Imagine the disappointment and fading of hope when I woke up and found myself still in my room.

As for the nightmare... well, this gets quite complicated. I dreamt of doing an examination on an English Language Subject that mainly consisted of questions on spelling and defining words from life science courses. And they all seemed similar to actual questions I attempted for the examinations. Even the feeling that I felt during the examinations, including all the stress felt real, and just like it usually does. Most realistic yet somehow unrealistic dream ever. And before long, I also dreamt that I failed, scoring 19 out of 120 (very strange number score combination). I woke up immediatedly, and was I ever glad. Fortunately, none of that came true since I passed every module. And not too shabby too, if I might say so.

Dreams like snowflakes, beautiful but melting away.

And nightmares like darkness, disappearing as daylight shines through my eyes.

Chapter 73: Missed The Broad Side Of The Barn

Sigh... guess I missed the chance to take advantage of yesterday's April Fool's Day. Although I did not really have many ideas on how to do so. Not very creative ones either.

I was comtemplating bluffing this blog into conversion for neo nazi propaganda after being offered by the elusive organisation a reasonable sum of money for doing so. Or, I could go and convince potential freshman of my polytechnic whom I knew that NYP was going to do something special for their orientation week by using a surprise fitness test for qualifications, due to Singapore's complain of unfit and lethargic students, and also as chance for NYP to gain recognition as pioneer of sorts (and also to spite SP).

As you can see... very, very weird ideas that probably only my mind can think of. Then again, it takes a mind that warped to write a blog such as this.

Well, of the things that could be but missed the target... there they are.

But one thing I would certainly not miss in sight is the new semester.

Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.

Chapter 72: Aimlessly Lost

Why does it all seem so repetitive? This river that flows through, the road that seemingly never ends, passing by the continuous road markings and traffic signs in a relaxing blur.

A path that is has to be travelled despite having a destination that I have mxied feelings towards.

These school years too. Study life is something that I have savoured too long, with a flavour that I know the taste of too long.

The holidays are the same too. Exciting and something to look forward to in the beginning, with no reason that I could put in words. It starts to get boring later, with a force pulling me to long for a change, in the form of the next semester. Strange enough, I know this change is nothing new to me, and yet I would long for it.

Fear, hope, uncertainty... all this adds up to what I feel about this change I seem to long for.

It would probably be like the rest, having six to seven modules with a project for almost every one. And a time where I would be juggling them along with assignments and asessments.

I know of this cycle too well, and have grown weary of it somewhat. Then there is National Service, University and work, before finally death.

And no matter what deviation there is, it basically remains the same. Even variation becomes predictable and tiring.

I wish I knew where I could find my lost inspiration and passion, and how I could live my life to which I could fully put it in.

Chapter 71: A Bark

I find it hard to believe I chose to post a new chapter as an activity since I cannot seem to sleep, even though it is this late.

It appears that I have a habit of spending my holidays staying up a little late, and just thinking and wandering about.

Sometimes, or maybe I should say, most of the time, thinking of regrets and troubles I cannot find a way to express in plain words, and that I cannot be bothered to share with even my family and friends. Not even with God if there is one. Because these troubles and regrets are something that I know are only as natural as the rising sun, and should and cannot be neutralised in any way.

It's kind of hard to explain. I guess I can compare it to, perhaps, how you may dislike the sounds of crows in the late noon, but you know it is only natural for them to fly around and sound like they do. And that trying to stop this would bring about nothing good.

Besides such things, I guess my thoughts are also about the future. I feel a litte interested in what is to come, and a little upset that time is passing so quickly. Maybe it is a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant feelings.

But I have no reason to feel worried. Deep down, I know that no matter what may happen, or how I feel, the pasaage of time and events flow down, and just like always, I will carry on walking despite the destination being known.

Blocking or trying to avoid this passage is foolish and only brings about pain and suffering.

The passage is just like a river.

It will always flow, and my only task is give it my all throughout the whole river.

I cannot help but give less than 100%.

I want to, but the things we want and things we know we should do are often different, or at least in my case.

There was a time when as a younger child, I had the ability to be inspired and passionate about everything around me. I could actually be excited in all that I did.

I also believed that in the 90/10 rule.

But as times went by, I realised that in the things I want to do, time and time again, it has been proven that 90% is what is given to you, and 10% is from your own effort.

Ever since then, my spirit is just something that I crudely superglued together in an attempt to piece together again. Only with the illusion and unanswered faith in a bright future.

All these motivational talk conmen... you liars. All they did was sell hope, like a glorified drug.

Another thing I have been thinking about, is how I never seem to gather the will to brutally retaliate.

Often, I threaten, but at the end of the day, I easily forget about it and just let it go.

Maybe I am a bit of a coward, and that my own bark is worse than my bite, and nothing else.

Sigh. It worked. All this writing has made me sleepy.

Until then.

Chapter 70: Of Words and Men

Finally, it's the 70th chapter! A miracle considering how much I have been neglecting the blog and procastinating!

Time to do the norm and have a little reflection on this very anniversary.

If there is one thing I have to reflect on, it is why I created such a blog in the first place. Obviously, this blog has gone through so many changes and evolved quite far.

This includes the topics, the writing style and maybe some changes to the site appearance. Still as black, plain and pictureless as ever though.

I have never been one who likes using words, unless I need to kill some time, which is partially why I created this blog.

Sometimes, it isn't because I have no concern over anything. Just that I dislike talking unless I see how it solves the problem. Generall, I see talking as a waste of time for most of the day, which is why I primarily use it as a time waster.

But lately I wonder if I should just close this blog down until I get the spirit of things going within me again.

I have a lot of questions in mind that I wish I had some clues towards the answers I seek. What exactly am I to do? Is there something that I can truly pour my whole soul in? Or do I remain as a drone? An average droning citizen. Surely there must be something I can equate my life to.

I can't seem to be put as much passion into life as I used too in my younger days unless I know my true purpose.

I need to find myself again.

Until then though. All hail the tomeoftruth blog! =D

Chapter 69: Promotion Ranks and New Credit Transfers

Time for me to recap on everything that has happened thus far.

I finally get promoted from braces to retainers, and someone's been using my alternate email address to register for warcraft, or world of warcraft, whichever it is, game account. but obviously failed to hack it. And I know the reason why. Heh. Fools.

And, my expectations, or should I say, predictions for the module I can get transfer of credits for so long as I do some work required for it is right. It happens to be Human Bio and Diseases, quite similar to Anatomy and Physiology which I studied before, and fortunately passed.

That's all for now, so until then.

Chapter 68: Time to Unleash the Chains

If all goes well, the braces which I have gotten so used to these few years should be taken off today.

But like I said, not that it matters too much to me. I've gotten so used to them that I don't even feel them, except maybe when they change and tighten them for me.

The only difference here is that I will be partially free, other than the retainers which I actually have no clue what they look like or how they should be used. But I will be able to eat anything I want without the Dentist complaining.

Can't believe there was a point when I refuesed to get bracing done though. I guess it's the same with getting a new pair of shoes. I get used to them, sooner or later.

Oh well.

Until then.

Chapter 67: It's Not Easy Having A Positive Perspective

Looking back, I have little choice but to admit to myself that my views on my surroundings look too cynical and dark. But it isn't easy to have a positive view on everything.

What I mean is, I tend to see the world as working in perfect order, as it has always been, in perfect balance.

That much I have to agree.

But what gives me a cynical impression of things around me is that everything seems to be based on a predictable and over glorified, infinite loop.

Believe me in this. I want to see the world as something that everyone of us aspires it to be for the brighter future.

But I want and what it looks like is entirely different.

But you know, it's just not easy to be a optimist. If I had one wish in the whole world, it would be to have the ability to see and charge towards the light, while fighting off the darkness all around.

Chapter 66: Perfect Harmony

Another morning, another brand new day. And everything seems to be in order. Let us check the list again.

Here I am, with a set of module notes with me, awaiting another day of either examinations, projects or assignments. Check.

And the roulette seems to have landed on final examinations period. Among the population of those involve. we have those who slack, those who burrow their minds into their module notes very much consistently, and those who have a mixture of both activites of various degrees.

We also have those who are on the verg of, or already have a breakdown.

Check.

As is always, people are trying their best to change the world into what they think is ideal or better, typically with winners enjoying the spoils of victory, and losers walking away in pain, either giving up or plotting their next attempt for revenge.

All this can sometimes involve hypocrites and false hope.

Another check on the list.

Part of the losers think they are suffering the most and intend to stay that way. Society usually preaches the typical 'don't give up' speech on them, which has a high chance of working.

Check.

Yes. The world certainly is in perfect harmony and working order, as it always has been.

Until then.

Chapter 65: Let's Talk About Opinions

Another post, another opportunity spent idling time and energy away. Chalk one more up to procastination.

But moving on to the main point of the post of today, I have to wonder, what exactly are our views on reality?

In other words, what kind of rules do we derive from how we see the world? Maybe we might not see it that way, but most of us live by a set of personal rules.

Sometimes, these are partly or completely derived by outside influences and the environment.

But what I am interested in is, how our personal perspectives of what we see affects these sets of rules.

Unless we are really obedient to our peers and fellow men, we are very likely to be extremely subjective in almost everything we do.

That is to say, the rules we derive are have general similarities to each other, either due to cooperative influences from each other, or from living in the same environment or reality, or perhaps from adaption itself.

For me, whatever I have written in this post all comes from the set of rules I live by. I feel that this means we should try our best to respect each other's opinions.

Of course, it is possible that being in positions of greater powers tempts us to believe we should make the ultimate set of rules and suppress that of others who may oppose us.

Is this what the world really is about? After all, in my humble opinion, no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the human heart. With two feet in the coffin, it is ultimately your own will you take with you, not that of others.

Supression and taming of the spirits of others seems futile.

But, I suppose, that is up to what you think.

Until then.

Chapter 64: A Miracle

Chancing upon a souvenir of the past, I remembered something.

The day I came to believe in miracles was around the most unlikely time.

I was beaten down in everything I did,and I knew nothing would get better. So, all I did was walk down without thinking, searching for defeat.

Until a miracle occured. And I could never forget that moment. That day, I felt like everything was right, and that nothing could ever go wrong at all. Like all the world was in harmony and I felt complete.

A pity that time has passed though.

Chapter 63: Blaze Beyond

The intense heat of the blazing flames surrounding was something beyond belief. An eternity from which I knew the end.

"This is it. The final curtains of impending destiny falling in a blaze of defeat. My paper-thin life had finally been used up." These thoughts ran down my memory stream. A fall down the stream, rapidly enough to force a humble bow to my obvious futility in efforts to hang on to hope.

Hope. Amusing how many have said that the blaze of hope was the most beautiful sight. Even more so to realise how I had been so wrong. The blaze of defeat I see before my poisoned eyes is beyond simply appealing in vision. A blaze that has cleansed my sight once and for all. A final gift to me by the pity of the universe.

How could I have failed to understand this before? And how long had the aromatic, sweeetened drug of illusions hidden my sight from the truth?

Not that it mattered anymore, for the ultimate truth laid before me. Yes, the blaze of truth.

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I needed to write something and coincidentally, I was planning a new post today. Even more so was that I had no idea for a topic. So I simply wrote the first part of the story I had in mind. Been a while since I did some fictional writing. If I think of it, I might post the next part up sometime later.

Chapter 62: Alive! But Tomorrow...

If any one ever discovers this post, and can understand it fully and clearly, it means my brain is still alive despite the immunology genocide.

But then... here comes round two. Medical microbiology. There aren't many notes this semester that are new, so I think it should not be too bad. So long as I rely on my semi-photographic memory and focus. Sounds like a camera, from the way I describe my tools, huh?

Well, I hope I can still keep my sanity and mind intact after tomorrow, which once again will be indicated by a new post.

This is only the beginning, and the road is long and tough. But that doesn't matter.I know I had been waiting for this. I'm walking it, easy or tough, and that is reality and all that concerns me.

Until then.

Chapter 61: This is It

No, this is not the latest film made by recovered footage of the last rehearsal concerts of a deceased world famous pop music artist.

But what it is, is the beginning of a long, grueling two weeks worth of final examinations. Which I spent the last two weeks (yes, last minute, what can I say? projects, reports and assignments held me back) preparing for.

Tomorrow would be a 1 hour paper revolving around 'Introduction to Immunology' which I believe I am prepared for.

The format seems quite simple, and the notes are easier to revise than that of the rest of the 6 modules.

If I get out of this with at least half of what is left of my precious brain cells intact, this will be evident by my ability to post more in understandable language.

May the barriers, innate and adaptive systems, with the power of immunoassays, protect us all from autoimmunity, immunodeficiency diseases, hypersensitivity cases, reproductive immunology attacks. Also, may vaccination guide us.

And cytokines for us all.

Until then.

Chapter 60: Scam Letter Flaws

As a way of relieving my pressure, I have decided to dissect the many flaws of a common everyday scam letter just for the amusement of it.

The biggest flaw around here is that most letters do not state how they found your contact and why they chose you as their target to receive that large sum of money.

Sometimes they will say that they feel that they can trust in you and know you very well, despite the fact that you never openly or intently shared your personal details with them, much less know who they are.

Further more, it is most likely that they got such details through underhanded means if you did not intent to show them, which makes them seem even more suspicious.

All in all, the question is, 'why you?'.

The reason why those rare 'one born everyday' people will fall for this is because of human arrogance and pride. Everyone thinks that they are destined for greatness and that they alone should stand out and receive the best. Sure, it is great for one to have such a positive attitude, but it is this attitude that also become their weakness, unless you have street-smarts with you.

Next, for goodness sake, can't they be more original and surprise me? It's usually an obscenely large sum of money or huge investment, involving a roughly undeveloped country, a terminal disease, a dead or dying person, or a widow.

You would think they should invest a little in being creative. How can they call themselves scam 'artists' if they lack creativity?

And if only they will stop using God's name at every opportunity they can and making it sound all so overdramatic. And it would also be nice if they stopped all that boot-licking.

Those who sincerely need help should reach out for the government or any trusted societies.

Until then.

Chapter 59: Set in Motions

Something touched my thoughts when I had a talk with my elder cousin at the last reunion dinner for Chinese New Year Celebrations Eve. He and his wife asked me if I was enjoying my school life and whether I was looking forward to serving National Service, or rather, if I was prepared.

I answered as to how I would at that time. I know that attempting to delay such inevitable events would only lead to pain and wastage of energy. I know that there is no point in doing so, and that my only solution and will is to move forward through the future events set in motion.

But that led me to think. If my will was to push forward into the future without delaying anything, would it not lead to the final door of death?

If so, then what is the proof of my existence? What kind of souvenir can I take back on this trip?

After some thoughts, the answer became clear to me. My mission here was to collect memories, the deeper and more meaningful, the better. Through these memories, I would establish an form of eternal existence, or you might even say immortality. And it is through this that I shall satisfy my desires and move on to greater heights. This shall be the way that I shall merge into the circle for greater heights.

But through these journey, there is of course pain and stumps alog the way. But whenever that happens, I think of how somewhere, out there, there is a fellow traveller who is suffering more than I am. And that if I were to surrender and yield, I would be dishonoring and disgracing these people. Therefore, I should bare with it and count myself fortunate instead. In this way, I can change suffering to motivation to push forward.

Well, if seems strange, I must agree, and clearly, I am not logician. But hey, if it works for me, than it does.

Until then.

Chapter 58: I Can't Move!

Recently, I experienced something which used to happen quite a few times in the past.

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find that I could not move any of my limbs or body at all. What I meant was, I knew I was awake, but it was as though I had suddenly lost control of my body. It felt just the same way as it had in the past, as though ropes had bound me. Fortunately, I administered my usual response by focussing on snapping those ropes and moving, which had success in a less than a minute. But the terror was still the same. It felt like a phobia of sorts. Similar to claustrophobia.

This usually happens to me when I have a dream, which is quite an uncommon occurance. Only this time, there was no dream that I could recollect, which I found unusual.

These dreams were not pleasant ones either. They usually consisted of the feeling of falling down, thinking I have an overdue report despite full knowledge that there is no way for that to be real, dreaming of an examination where I could not answer enough questions in time, and dreaming that there were only a few days from an examination that I had not prepared for.

I am not sure if anyone has ever experienced the same, but now I am quite worried. On deeper thoughts, is this even natural, or is there something wrong with my nervous system? I am not so sure.