Chapter 86: Just Because I Must

Lecturers and students looking upon me as a failure of an outcast in spite of what I have done. And yet, only a few trusted friends and those who in charge of my case know the truth.

And yet, simply because I must, I have to take in silence as a payment for a sin that others have committed over and over again. What I would not give to join their ranks instead.

I cannot fail. I cannot falter. Failure is literally not an option that is to be tolerated. Until the end. For one and a half year, this is a promise I have kept.

I must be cautious and never rest. And yet, I am fated to meet the same end as those who are not.

I must reach and grasp for something that will never be there, forever and ever.

It hurts and gets worse deep within, and yet my efforts to take it in stride and work to relieve it will never succeed, ever.

Never a real identity among them. Just a shadowy reflection of what they are, and of what I once was.

It is not possible to be truly accepted by those whom you have never shared a common past with. Those false smiles and passing 'hellos'. The assumptions of lecturers that we have our established cliques. And to take it all in silence as the one and only minority out of the general public. It sickens me to the core. And yet, I have to take it in silence as the ultimate payment.

Those who say otherwise are not me. And if you can show someone who has gone through the same and can say so, I will very gladly take back my words in relieve and believe in such a small hope of being wrong.

Those who say that never giving up is the key to success are those I detest. Hypocrites who have no idea and yet speak of such gibberish.

It sickens me. I would gladly welcome the destruction of everything. But I would not say so.

A peer. Huh. I do not have a peer, if it is a person whom you can relate to.

Let it all end, and with it, all that I despise.