I hate the word aethism or freethinkers. I detest the word blasphemy.
So, any form of open deniance to your master deities is blasphemy, is it?
And I guess using an insulting word like aethism to describe those who choose to live lifes with their own logic and control, and free will that everyone has a right to, is not blashphemy at all, and unlike blashphemy, is not an offence.
Instead of aethist, I personally prefer the term 'human', since as far as I am concerned, no one started declaring themselves as slaves or servants when early humans first appeared.
As as far as I know, 3.8 billion years ago, or when the earth was first formed, religions was a term unheard of.
Yet, most people choose to verbally attack 'freethinkers' and see them as aliens or foreigners with evil intentions or narrow minds.
Let us go back to the word narrow minded. When someone has enough free will to think on their own, I suppose in their context, that is being narrow minded?
I am insulted, and disgusted at this sickening world.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Chapter 87: Standalone System
Here you are, claiming that becoming a slave to God (yes, those were their exact words) and submitting everything to a being whom I consider to be a metaphorical idea that does good in giving people a ste of backbone and values to grow their lifestyle about, when I have problems of my own, including my reluctance to accept this as a real, actual being.
All they wanted was blind faith, and they hardly answered any of my questions, but instead raised more, and increased my skepticism. It seemed to me, that all they were trying to say, in summary, was that blindly pledging your allegiance to Christ's holy king and master would add value to life, and show the answers to questions I prefer to know the answers to first before I jump straight into anything.
Further more, I remain skeptical of the claim that the founder had an actual conversation with an out-of-this-metaphysical-world entity.
In short, no way. Not until I get a good reason to do so, or at the very least, when my questions are answered, concerning the basics of what I am getting myself into.
That's not too much of me to ask, is it?
Fairness is an artificial illusion. Sins are never measured with balance. There are bound to be people destined to walk and stand alone. Those who have no common grounds or past cannot get along. This is the law of nature. Even the tiniest cells stick together if similar, dying in shock if a new type of cell is added into the same environment.
Why would you run your hardest forever if the destination remains the same all throughout?
If you wish to run forever, let me ask this of you. How long is forever?
A path in which the destination is unknown is a foolish one to walk.
If you want to spread your words, then before you call me a cowardly loser, put your money where your mouth is and walk the same path as mine.
If this is the law of nature, I would rather see everything destroyed. If I could be assured of this destruction, I would cheerfully accept my own.
Let everything be cleansed away for good.
How long would you deny this and torture your soul, thinking eventually it will be better?
A cycle of chaos. Never truly up or down.
Ask yourself. How long is eventually, and when is someday?
An unproven hypothesis is all you would have achieved with this.
All they wanted was blind faith, and they hardly answered any of my questions, but instead raised more, and increased my skepticism. It seemed to me, that all they were trying to say, in summary, was that blindly pledging your allegiance to Christ's holy king and master would add value to life, and show the answers to questions I prefer to know the answers to first before I jump straight into anything.
Further more, I remain skeptical of the claim that the founder had an actual conversation with an out-of-this-metaphysical-world entity.
In short, no way. Not until I get a good reason to do so, or at the very least, when my questions are answered, concerning the basics of what I am getting myself into.
That's not too much of me to ask, is it?
Fairness is an artificial illusion. Sins are never measured with balance. There are bound to be people destined to walk and stand alone. Those who have no common grounds or past cannot get along. This is the law of nature. Even the tiniest cells stick together if similar, dying in shock if a new type of cell is added into the same environment.
Why would you run your hardest forever if the destination remains the same all throughout?
If you wish to run forever, let me ask this of you. How long is forever?
A path in which the destination is unknown is a foolish one to walk.
If you want to spread your words, then before you call me a cowardly loser, put your money where your mouth is and walk the same path as mine.
If this is the law of nature, I would rather see everything destroyed. If I could be assured of this destruction, I would cheerfully accept my own.
Let everything be cleansed away for good.
How long would you deny this and torture your soul, thinking eventually it will be better?
A cycle of chaos. Never truly up or down.
Ask yourself. How long is eventually, and when is someday?
An unproven hypothesis is all you would have achieved with this.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Chapter 86: Just Because I Must
Lecturers and students looking upon me as a failure of an outcast in spite of what I have done. And yet, only a few trusted friends and those who in charge of my case know the truth.
And yet, simply because I must, I have to take in silence as a payment for a sin that others have committed over and over again. What I would not give to join their ranks instead.
I cannot fail. I cannot falter. Failure is literally not an option that is to be tolerated. Until the end. For one and a half year, this is a promise I have kept.
I must be cautious and never rest. And yet, I am fated to meet the same end as those who are not.
I must reach and grasp for something that will never be there, forever and ever.
It hurts and gets worse deep within, and yet my efforts to take it in stride and work to relieve it will never succeed, ever.
Never a real identity among them. Just a shadowy reflection of what they are, and of what I once was.
It is not possible to be truly accepted by those whom you have never shared a common past with. Those false smiles and passing 'hellos'. The assumptions of lecturers that we have our established cliques. And to take it all in silence as the one and only minority out of the general public. It sickens me to the core. And yet, I have to take it in silence as the ultimate payment.
Those who say otherwise are not me. And if you can show someone who has gone through the same and can say so, I will very gladly take back my words in relieve and believe in such a small hope of being wrong.
Those who say that never giving up is the key to success are those I detest. Hypocrites who have no idea and yet speak of such gibberish.
It sickens me. I would gladly welcome the destruction of everything. But I would not say so.
A peer. Huh. I do not have a peer, if it is a person whom you can relate to.
Let it all end, and with it, all that I despise.
And yet, simply because I must, I have to take in silence as a payment for a sin that others have committed over and over again. What I would not give to join their ranks instead.
I cannot fail. I cannot falter. Failure is literally not an option that is to be tolerated. Until the end. For one and a half year, this is a promise I have kept.
I must be cautious and never rest. And yet, I am fated to meet the same end as those who are not.
I must reach and grasp for something that will never be there, forever and ever.
It hurts and gets worse deep within, and yet my efforts to take it in stride and work to relieve it will never succeed, ever.
Never a real identity among them. Just a shadowy reflection of what they are, and of what I once was.
It is not possible to be truly accepted by those whom you have never shared a common past with. Those false smiles and passing 'hellos'. The assumptions of lecturers that we have our established cliques. And to take it all in silence as the one and only minority out of the general public. It sickens me to the core. And yet, I have to take it in silence as the ultimate payment.
Those who say otherwise are not me. And if you can show someone who has gone through the same and can say so, I will very gladly take back my words in relieve and believe in such a small hope of being wrong.
Those who say that never giving up is the key to success are those I detest. Hypocrites who have no idea and yet speak of such gibberish.
It sickens me. I would gladly welcome the destruction of everything. But I would not say so.
A peer. Huh. I do not have a peer, if it is a person whom you can relate to.
Let it all end, and with it, all that I despise.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Chapter 84: The Mission
I had better finish the assignment soon...
But I still remember the day I heard of it.
Script writing time.
Time: Early Thursday Morning
Handphone: Ring Ring~
Myself: (Thinking) Five more minutes... and then I'll call back. It's probably not important, most likely some telemarketer or salesmen spam. Who calls at this time of the day anyway? Besides, if it's important, I can always pretend my phone was on silent mode. Heh heh.
1 hour Later
handphone: Ring Ring Ring~
Myself: (Thinking) Again? Alright, alright, you win a medal for making me grumpy in the morning, and that also means I should probably get up. Very likely to be worth my time if it rings that much. No telemarketer can possibly be that single-minded.
After getting up and calling back...
Myself: O_O 6550? NYP line? Oh boy... Better call back. If they ask, I can still counter using the silent mode excuse.
Fortunately, they didn't ask why I did not reply for two calls. Turns out it was about the assignment. >_>
But I still remember the day I heard of it.
Script writing time.
Time: Early Thursday Morning
Handphone: Ring Ring~
Myself: (Thinking) Five more minutes... and then I'll call back. It's probably not important, most likely some telemarketer or salesmen spam. Who calls at this time of the day anyway? Besides, if it's important, I can always pretend my phone was on silent mode. Heh heh.
1 hour Later
handphone: Ring Ring Ring~
Myself: (Thinking) Again? Alright, alright, you win a medal for making me grumpy in the morning, and that also means I should probably get up. Very likely to be worth my time if it rings that much. No telemarketer can possibly be that single-minded.
After getting up and calling back...
Myself: O_O 6550? NYP line? Oh boy... Better call back. If they ask, I can still counter using the silent mode excuse.
Fortunately, they didn't ask why I did not reply for two calls. Turns out it was about the assignment. >_>
Monday, April 19, 2010
Chapter 84: Codes Of All Kinds
Well, it wasn't too bad. The first day of the semester, that is. Introduction week, quick, short and simple. Oh, and do or die... okay, I might be stretching this a little, do or take the full course module, assignment. There wasn't any practical, as typical for the first week, but I still had to see Mr AK to discuss my future plans for the rest of the course.
So, with 3 hours left, I decided to read a bit of my overdued (I'll return it soon and pay, not to worry) copy of the 'Da Vinci Code'. I wanted to see what was so special about it. Pretty good and kept me a little occupied.
I didn't care much for the story, but I have always been interested in artifacts and legends, especially those based on Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity. The wandering jew, the legend of the prophet (Allah's representitive), the spear of destiny, the miracle of Fatimah, etc...
I also had a bit of interest in demonology, the titles and special properties, and summoning conditions and requirements of special ones (No, I'm just interested in researching, I'm not blasphemous enough to even mention actually doing so without shuddering at least a few times).
Angels and their creation and purpose piques my interest a little too, especially stories of their strength, both in might and spiritual.
But I had to wonder about this when I read the book.
It mentioned that Christianity had done wonders for the world despite the blashemy the book talked about, and I had to agree.
But upon the idea of the religion, I was thinking...
!!!!!Do not read beyond here if you are significantly sensitive to ideas that go against the Vatican or Christianity!!!!!
If there was a creator... who was almighty... who are we to say if he really represents good? What if he might have represented what he call evil?
I wonder if there is proof that he was the embodiment of good.
And before we can even do it... Does evil and good exist? And who has the right to define these two values?
If humans are imperfect, then how can we perfectly distinguish good and evil?
So, with 3 hours left, I decided to read a bit of my overdued (I'll return it soon and pay, not to worry) copy of the 'Da Vinci Code'. I wanted to see what was so special about it. Pretty good and kept me a little occupied.
I didn't care much for the story, but I have always been interested in artifacts and legends, especially those based on Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism and Christianity. The wandering jew, the legend of the prophet (Allah's representitive), the spear of destiny, the miracle of Fatimah, etc...
I also had a bit of interest in demonology, the titles and special properties, and summoning conditions and requirements of special ones (No, I'm just interested in researching, I'm not blasphemous enough to even mention actually doing so without shuddering at least a few times).
Angels and their creation and purpose piques my interest a little too, especially stories of their strength, both in might and spiritual.
But I had to wonder about this when I read the book.
It mentioned that Christianity had done wonders for the world despite the blashemy the book talked about, and I had to agree.
But upon the idea of the religion, I was thinking...
!!!!!Do not read beyond here if you are significantly sensitive to ideas that go against the Vatican or Christianity!!!!!
If there was a creator... who was almighty... who are we to say if he really represents good? What if he might have represented what he call evil?
I wonder if there is proof that he was the embodiment of good.
And before we can even do it... Does evil and good exist? And who has the right to define these two values?
If humans are imperfect, then how can we perfectly distinguish good and evil?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Chapter 83: Justice
A man who killed in revenge over everything that he had lost. An execution awaits him.
Do we know the full story? Have we seen it his way as well?
His eyes gaze over those who around the execution grounds. The saddest eyes.
'Justice', they cry out.
'This is a most heinous deed that I would not have committed if I were in his shoes', so they claim.
Are they sure they are not saying this just to make themselves feel good? And have they considered everything from all points before making a decision?
Maybe. Maybe not.
To avoid a biase decision, a group of people are gathered to discuss before coming to a conclusion.
This cannot be denied. It is difficult to have everyone's view before making a decision. That is understood.
But this does not escape my point of today. Those who have the power make the rules.
Chosen at random, and with fairness, you say? I have to laugh at this. Nothing is truly random. Every force, both physical and mental at work eventually equate to a decision. I find it hard to believe in the concept of random.
Further more, who makes the rules? Humans. Humans making rules for other humans like them. If one's heart is imperfect and impure in some way, as well as biased to some point, then how can the same kind of person make perfect laws?
How is it possible for an imperfect being to create and administer something perfect?
This kind of 'justice', feels like an illusion meant to present the vision of peace.
Rather than justice, I would call these rules the thoughts of those who have the most power.
Justice is blind... but those in power do not seem to be carrying guiding sticks.
Do we know the full story? Have we seen it his way as well?
His eyes gaze over those who around the execution grounds. The saddest eyes.
'Justice', they cry out.
'This is a most heinous deed that I would not have committed if I were in his shoes', so they claim.
Are they sure they are not saying this just to make themselves feel good? And have they considered everything from all points before making a decision?
Maybe. Maybe not.
To avoid a biase decision, a group of people are gathered to discuss before coming to a conclusion.
This cannot be denied. It is difficult to have everyone's view before making a decision. That is understood.
But this does not escape my point of today. Those who have the power make the rules.
Chosen at random, and with fairness, you say? I have to laugh at this. Nothing is truly random. Every force, both physical and mental at work eventually equate to a decision. I find it hard to believe in the concept of random.
Further more, who makes the rules? Humans. Humans making rules for other humans like them. If one's heart is imperfect and impure in some way, as well as biased to some point, then how can the same kind of person make perfect laws?
How is it possible for an imperfect being to create and administer something perfect?
This kind of 'justice', feels like an illusion meant to present the vision of peace.
Rather than justice, I would call these rules the thoughts of those who have the most power.
Justice is blind... but those in power do not seem to be carrying guiding sticks.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Chapter 82: Ends Justifying Means
Looking at my desk, I spot a dvd my father lent to me. It is called 'Battle of Britain', which sadly, I have yet to watch.
Maybe I will watch it in the afternoon, since it's a weekend when that I plan to spend staying at home anyway. It is a small tradition of mine, to spend the last weekend of the holidays preparing myself for the next semester, both mentally and through preparing the necessary materials.
I remember when my father mentioned Admiral Yamamoto, who was weary of America's strength during the second World War, both industrially and in terms of military and political might. He knew that it was a mistake to attack them at that time.
When he claimed that President Roosevelt's order of killing the Admiral outside battle grounds was an act of murder, I had a few thoughts on that view.
Personally, I do not hold it against the ex-president. As a matter of fact, I think it was the right decision. They had information on where he would be, and how he would be relatively unprotected. If they had not killed him there and now, that opportunity would be lost, and in return, he might return to command in battle and be reponsible for the lives of his own soldiers.
Maybe there might have been a loss of honour... But weighing that against the value of lives and his duty to protect them... Maybe I would have done the same thing as well.
Maybe I will watch it in the afternoon, since it's a weekend when that I plan to spend staying at home anyway. It is a small tradition of mine, to spend the last weekend of the holidays preparing myself for the next semester, both mentally and through preparing the necessary materials.
I remember when my father mentioned Admiral Yamamoto, who was weary of America's strength during the second World War, both industrially and in terms of military and political might. He knew that it was a mistake to attack them at that time.
When he claimed that President Roosevelt's order of killing the Admiral outside battle grounds was an act of murder, I had a few thoughts on that view.
Personally, I do not hold it against the ex-president. As a matter of fact, I think it was the right decision. They had information on where he would be, and how he would be relatively unprotected. If they had not killed him there and now, that opportunity would be lost, and in return, he might return to command in battle and be reponsible for the lives of his own soldiers.
Maybe there might have been a loss of honour... But weighing that against the value of lives and his duty to protect them... Maybe I would have done the same thing as well.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Chapter 81: Clearance
Just a few days left. But I think I know the answer. I know exactly what I want to do, but I was just afraid of failing again like I did countless times.
Maybe it is a failure, but even I do not succeed, then I will make the next best move. I can still salvage what I can. Even though I may never succeed, at least I know I have gained some experience, and have improved further, albeit by a little bit. And I can keep at this until the final end. Perhaps I won't succeed today, or even tomorrow, but I know that the truth will all be revealed at the end.
The next move would be to keep an unwavering mind, and to have absolute faith in the end.
Maybe it is a failure, but even I do not succeed, then I will make the next best move. I can still salvage what I can. Even though I may never succeed, at least I know I have gained some experience, and have improved further, albeit by a little bit. And I can keep at this until the final end. Perhaps I won't succeed today, or even tomorrow, but I know that the truth will all be revealed at the end.
The next move would be to keep an unwavering mind, and to have absolute faith in the end.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Chapter 80: This Grayish World
Do not take this the wrong way, but I am not sure if this is the right way to express my thoughts. I feel tired of 'living' in this world. No, not in a suicidal sense. This is different.
I grow weary of moving like a gear in this colourless world, chained down by earthly obligations, unspoken promises and unwritten rules. Maybe it is just me, but I want to find a way to believe that life is worth living it's fullest. That there is a reason for me to drive through with all my might.
Instead of wondering through the standard path that is in clear view, though feeling lost for a reason that has no reason of it's own for existing.
Lost in a place where the lines that used to separate places seem to blur, and yet I know this blurring is the real thing.
There is no clear line at all. There is no absolute truth. Can you see what another person is seeing? There is no ultimate justice. Those who have the power make the rules.
If it's an open ended road... than I guess this way is more exciting in a way. But this make getting lost easy.
I grow weary of moving like a gear in this colourless world, chained down by earthly obligations, unspoken promises and unwritten rules. Maybe it is just me, but I want to find a way to believe that life is worth living it's fullest. That there is a reason for me to drive through with all my might.
Instead of wondering through the standard path that is in clear view, though feeling lost for a reason that has no reason of it's own for existing.
Lost in a place where the lines that used to separate places seem to blur, and yet I know this blurring is the real thing.
There is no clear line at all. There is no absolute truth. Can you see what another person is seeing? There is no ultimate justice. Those who have the power make the rules.
If it's an open ended road... than I guess this way is more exciting in a way. But this make getting lost easy.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Chapter 79: Special Lesson On Tactical Retreats
Time for a new chapter in the Tome of Truth. And today is a special one that focuses on the finer points of the art of tactical retreats.
We all know that tactical retreats are very important most of the time, as they allow us to regroup and re-strategise in case of emergencies. Going head on using the same tactics when you are obviously in a bad situation is almost suicidal.
However, I would like to focus on examples of when to make a tactical retreat in life... or sometimes pretend to call it such but actually escape to safety permamently.
These are examples from my previous experience.
Situation 1. When anyone calls you by your full name, you know it's often not a good thing. And in other situations, such as when you get a call, most likely an irritating telemarketer, just feel free to slam it down. Or speak in a foreign language they probably won't understand.
Situation 2. When an unknown stranger, most likely a salesman, and very often an insurance agent says that they want to make a deal or compromise, or when they 'guarantee' that you are getting the best in life. Do not believe them at all.
Situation 3. When someone you aren't too close to starts to act all friendly and smiles. This also very much applies to insurance agents.
Until then.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
We all know that tactical retreats are very important most of the time, as they allow us to regroup and re-strategise in case of emergencies. Going head on using the same tactics when you are obviously in a bad situation is almost suicidal.
However, I would like to focus on examples of when to make a tactical retreat in life... or sometimes pretend to call it such but actually escape to safety permamently.
These are examples from my previous experience.
Situation 1. When anyone calls you by your full name, you know it's often not a good thing. And in other situations, such as when you get a call, most likely an irritating telemarketer, just feel free to slam it down. Or speak in a foreign language they probably won't understand.
Situation 2. When an unknown stranger, most likely a salesman, and very often an insurance agent says that they want to make a deal or compromise, or when they 'guarantee' that you are getting the best in life. Do not believe them at all.
Situation 3. When someone you aren't too close to starts to act all friendly and smiles. This also very much applies to insurance agents.
Until then.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Chapter 78: Certainty
So a new semester starts in less than two weeks time from here. No big deal. Been here, done that.
But what have I got to show for it? I have neither disappointment in the ending of the holidays, nor do I have excitement towards a so-called new start. I cannot even define my true feelings towards this. It's simply a blur of fear of the unknown future, and yet I feel no fear towards moving on to the inevitable future. Maybe I have grown weary of trying to slow the future down, or that I have understood thatt moving forward is all that is to be done.
Uncertainty clouds the future ahead, and steadily, we trudge on.
Thinking back, there was a time when I got excited by this element of uncertainty. It once inspired me to put all my heart and soul into charging towards it with everything I had.
I cannot say that I am sure of my capability of putting that much passion and inspiration, but I am ceratin about one thing.
I can only keep moving forward, and I will put everything I have got to the best of my judgement to the test.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
But what have I got to show for it? I have neither disappointment in the ending of the holidays, nor do I have excitement towards a so-called new start. I cannot even define my true feelings towards this. It's simply a blur of fear of the unknown future, and yet I feel no fear towards moving on to the inevitable future. Maybe I have grown weary of trying to slow the future down, or that I have understood thatt moving forward is all that is to be done.
Uncertainty clouds the future ahead, and steadily, we trudge on.
Thinking back, there was a time when I got excited by this element of uncertainty. It once inspired me to put all my heart and soul into charging towards it with everything I had.
I cannot say that I am sure of my capability of putting that much passion and inspiration, but I am ceratin about one thing.
I can only keep moving forward, and I will put everything I have got to the best of my judgement to the test.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Chapter 77: Grammar Makes My Head Spin
I came across a rule known as 'the i before e rule, except after c', and I had no clue as to how to use it or what it meant. In fact, I have to admit that when it comes to grammar rules and terms such as adjectives and who-knows-what, I never bothered ro memories since I found that they simply made me more confused.
According to my mother who I had asked after dinner, this rule applies to words like deceit, perceive, receive and maybe a few others I cannot think of at the moment.
And when I said confusing, this applies to this particular rule as well. Maybe it is more of a personal thing, but I feel more comfortable and at ease when writing without forcing myself to think of all these rules and terms people have made in attempts to make life easier.
I guess this might have to with the way I grew up using this language. I trained my command over it through speaking and reading on a daily basis. In fact, I think I picked the habit of visiting bookstores and libraries up from my father.
I still need to work on my grammar, but for now, reading, writing and speaking the language on a daily basis serves as my favourite way to training my command over it.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
According to my mother who I had asked after dinner, this rule applies to words like deceit, perceive, receive and maybe a few others I cannot think of at the moment.
And when I said confusing, this applies to this particular rule as well. Maybe it is more of a personal thing, but I feel more comfortable and at ease when writing without forcing myself to think of all these rules and terms people have made in attempts to make life easier.
I guess this might have to with the way I grew up using this language. I trained my command over it through speaking and reading on a daily basis. In fact, I think I picked the habit of visiting bookstores and libraries up from my father.
I still need to work on my grammar, but for now, reading, writing and speaking the language on a daily basis serves as my favourite way to training my command over it.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Chapter 76: Perhaps Hypocritism Isn't Such A Bad Thing
Once, I received a very insulting message from some stranger coward quite recently. Maybe around two weeks ago. I hate people who think they know people so well, but are ignorant of the fact that nobody knows everything in the world. But I harbour more hatred to cowards who lack the guts to confront me head on.
In fact, although I wouldn't do it, the first thought that came to me was breaking the fingers of whoever did this so they could never use them again. I was even toying with the idea of waiting patiently until that time.
That is, until a friend told me to cool down and forget about such people.
A few days later, the same friend got into the same state of hatred and anger towards a liar.
At first, I was a little amused by how quickly one can forget what they taught others, by just a simple fit of anger.
But then I realised that, perhaps this is what strangely connects people together. No one is perfectly strong on their own and will lose their stability in situations. But with the way people help to remind each other to keep their cool, and support each other, in this way, they share a connection. And maybe this is what connects everyone together.
Just maybe.
In fact, although I wouldn't do it, the first thought that came to me was breaking the fingers of whoever did this so they could never use them again. I was even toying with the idea of waiting patiently until that time.
That is, until a friend told me to cool down and forget about such people.
A few days later, the same friend got into the same state of hatred and anger towards a liar.
At first, I was a little amused by how quickly one can forget what they taught others, by just a simple fit of anger.
But then I realised that, perhaps this is what strangely connects people together. No one is perfectly strong on their own and will lose their stability in situations. But with the way people help to remind each other to keep their cool, and support each other, in this way, they share a connection. And maybe this is what connects everyone together.
Just maybe.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Chapter 75: Maybe The Sun Has Lifted A Little
I guess I've come to realised that blogging is quite a pleasant activity. I seem to actually like writing on it, seeing how I've written quite frequently these days. I don't really feel that grouchy, nor do I feel that the world seems so dark and cloudy these days. Maybe the sunlight's coming through afterall.
Or most likely, I seem to feel better by posting instead of keeping everything silent within me. Writing kind of helps me to reflect as those words come out from me into physical form.
Not completely ready for things ahead of me, but I certainly feel a little better than before, and I see that as a good thing, and perhaps a sign that I should do this more often.
After all, I still remember that writing was one of my favourite activities even twelve to thirteen years back.
Not that I was any good at it, but I liked it as a hobby, and to me, that was all that really mattered. Happiness that I could find there was the prize that I kept my eyes on.
And I guess I probably still do. Maybe it's just a guess, but it's better than nothing. One step forward, at the very least.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Or most likely, I seem to feel better by posting instead of keeping everything silent within me. Writing kind of helps me to reflect as those words come out from me into physical form.
Not completely ready for things ahead of me, but I certainly feel a little better than before, and I see that as a good thing, and perhaps a sign that I should do this more often.
After all, I still remember that writing was one of my favourite activities even twelve to thirteen years back.
Not that I was any good at it, but I liked it as a hobby, and to me, that was all that really mattered. Happiness that I could find there was the prize that I kept my eyes on.
And I guess I probably still do. Maybe it's just a guess, but it's better than nothing. One step forward, at the very least.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Chapter 74: Nightmares Stay So
I must say, this is one of the few times I actually want to post twice on the same day.
Has anyone ever had this feeling before? Where you wake up from a nightmare and then feel a huge relieve and gladness that it stayed as a nightmare, and that you were still safe, lying in bed. I have. But this has it's own counterpart, where I would feel really disappointed if my dream remained one once I woke up. Both experiences happened once each over the course of my recent semester holidays.
Let's go over the bad part first. I once dreamt of getting the semester results I dreamt for and even dreamt that I saw them online. Which, of course was not possible since it was still so early. But it felt very real. Imagine the disappointment and fading of hope when I woke up and found myself still in my room.
As for the nightmare... well, this gets quite complicated. I dreamt of doing an examination on an English Language Subject that mainly consisted of questions on spelling and defining words from life science courses. And they all seemed similar to actual questions I attempted for the examinations. Even the feeling that I felt during the examinations, including all the stress felt real, and just like it usually does. Most realistic yet somehow unrealistic dream ever. And before long, I also dreamt that I failed, scoring 19 out of 120 (very strange number score combination). I woke up immediatedly, and was I ever glad. Fortunately, none of that came true since I passed every module. And not too shabby too, if I might say so.
Dreams like snowflakes, beautiful but melting away.
And nightmares like darkness, disappearing as daylight shines through my eyes.
Has anyone ever had this feeling before? Where you wake up from a nightmare and then feel a huge relieve and gladness that it stayed as a nightmare, and that you were still safe, lying in bed. I have. But this has it's own counterpart, where I would feel really disappointed if my dream remained one once I woke up. Both experiences happened once each over the course of my recent semester holidays.
Let's go over the bad part first. I once dreamt of getting the semester results I dreamt for and even dreamt that I saw them online. Which, of course was not possible since it was still so early. But it felt very real. Imagine the disappointment and fading of hope when I woke up and found myself still in my room.
As for the nightmare... well, this gets quite complicated. I dreamt of doing an examination on an English Language Subject that mainly consisted of questions on spelling and defining words from life science courses. And they all seemed similar to actual questions I attempted for the examinations. Even the feeling that I felt during the examinations, including all the stress felt real, and just like it usually does. Most realistic yet somehow unrealistic dream ever. And before long, I also dreamt that I failed, scoring 19 out of 120 (very strange number score combination). I woke up immediatedly, and was I ever glad. Fortunately, none of that came true since I passed every module. And not too shabby too, if I might say so.
Dreams like snowflakes, beautiful but melting away.
And nightmares like darkness, disappearing as daylight shines through my eyes.
Chapter 73: Missed The Broad Side Of The Barn
Sigh... guess I missed the chance to take advantage of yesterday's April Fool's Day. Although I did not really have many ideas on how to do so. Not very creative ones either.
I was comtemplating bluffing this blog into conversion for neo nazi propaganda after being offered by the elusive organisation a reasonable sum of money for doing so. Or, I could go and convince potential freshman of my polytechnic whom I knew that NYP was going to do something special for their orientation week by using a surprise fitness test for qualifications, due to Singapore's complain of unfit and lethargic students, and also as chance for NYP to gain recognition as pioneer of sorts (and also to spite SP).
As you can see... very, very weird ideas that probably only my mind can think of. Then again, it takes a mind that warped to write a blog such as this.
Well, of the things that could be but missed the target... there they are.
But one thing I would certainly not miss in sight is the new semester.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
I was comtemplating bluffing this blog into conversion for neo nazi propaganda after being offered by the elusive organisation a reasonable sum of money for doing so. Or, I could go and convince potential freshman of my polytechnic whom I knew that NYP was going to do something special for their orientation week by using a surprise fitness test for qualifications, due to Singapore's complain of unfit and lethargic students, and also as chance for NYP to gain recognition as pioneer of sorts (and also to spite SP).
As you can see... very, very weird ideas that probably only my mind can think of. Then again, it takes a mind that warped to write a blog such as this.
Well, of the things that could be but missed the target... there they are.
But one thing I would certainly not miss in sight is the new semester.
Past, present, future. The flow of passage is unstoppable.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Chapter 72: Aimlessly Lost
Why does it all seem so repetitive? This river that flows through, the road that seemingly never ends, passing by the continuous road markings and traffic signs in a relaxing blur.
A path that is has to be travelled despite having a destination that I have mxied feelings towards.
These school years too. Study life is something that I have savoured too long, with a flavour that I know the taste of too long.
The holidays are the same too. Exciting and something to look forward to in the beginning, with no reason that I could put in words. It starts to get boring later, with a force pulling me to long for a change, in the form of the next semester. Strange enough, I know this change is nothing new to me, and yet I would long for it.
Fear, hope, uncertainty... all this adds up to what I feel about this change I seem to long for.
It would probably be like the rest, having six to seven modules with a project for almost every one. And a time where I would be juggling them along with assignments and asessments.
I know of this cycle too well, and have grown weary of it somewhat. Then there is National Service, University and work, before finally death.
And no matter what deviation there is, it basically remains the same. Even variation becomes predictable and tiring.
I wish I knew where I could find my lost inspiration and passion, and how I could live my life to which I could fully put it in.
A path that is has to be travelled despite having a destination that I have mxied feelings towards.
These school years too. Study life is something that I have savoured too long, with a flavour that I know the taste of too long.
The holidays are the same too. Exciting and something to look forward to in the beginning, with no reason that I could put in words. It starts to get boring later, with a force pulling me to long for a change, in the form of the next semester. Strange enough, I know this change is nothing new to me, and yet I would long for it.
Fear, hope, uncertainty... all this adds up to what I feel about this change I seem to long for.
It would probably be like the rest, having six to seven modules with a project for almost every one. And a time where I would be juggling them along with assignments and asessments.
I know of this cycle too well, and have grown weary of it somewhat. Then there is National Service, University and work, before finally death.
And no matter what deviation there is, it basically remains the same. Even variation becomes predictable and tiring.
I wish I knew where I could find my lost inspiration and passion, and how I could live my life to which I could fully put it in.
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